Day 20 if you could change one thing

if i could change one thing i think it would be my relationship with my brother. we were so so close as boys and started to drift apart in our early twenties, he has struggled with addition his entire adult life and i have chosen to not be apart of his self destruction. i miss him and the way we used to be. we talk briefly when he calls to speak to my son but there is alot of anger i hold towards him and his addiction. i am not sure what i can do to improve this relationship while he is still using.

 

Danny, I think you just have to accept that your brother wants to continue with his addiction
and be as supportive as you can. Don't judge him, just love him. Don't be angry that he isn't trying to
overcome his addiction. If he feels your unconditional love, it will help him a lot. It could even lead
him to confront his addiction. He has the addiction for a reason, and he needs to figure out what that is.
Releasing your anger also will help you. Anger that is held in for a long time becomes rage, and
Dr. Sarno says that is one of the main causes of TMS symptoms. So you'll be a lot healthier both
physically and emotionally if you soothe the angry Inner Bully inside of you.

 

Addiction is another distraction from negative emotion. As Walt said, just love him, empathize with his pain. The opposite of anger is patience. The addiction is a very difficult thing for you to deal with. Release that to God and love your brother for the beautiful soul that you know he is. Pray for guidance.
Bless you.

 

Hello,

From the post title, are you asking what would everyone else change? And then naming your own?

If so... I feel like I would not change anything. Something does come to mind for me...however, if that were different, what else would be different? Maybe things would be worse? Who knows. All I know is that everything I have experienced has lead me to who I am today, and I have grown quite fond of myself

It sounds like you really miss your brother. I wonder if the anger you mention feeling toward him is really just profound sadness? Sometimes it is easier to be angry than it is to be sad. When you feel sad, you get tired, unmotivated, slow, depressed, etc. It's hard to function that way. So, sometimes we get angry instead, because it feels "easier", though clearly there's still a high price to pay.

I like this quote about anger:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

I am certainly not judging you, please know that. I struggle with anger. A lot more than I would like to admit.

"we talk briefly when he calls to speak to my son"

It sounds like he is trying to reach out - that's good. He still stays in touch.

"...but there is alot of anger i hold towards him and his addiction."

Can you specify what you are angry about?

"i am not sure what i can do to improve this relationship while he is still using."

Well, you know you can't change him. You can change how you look at it, though. Know that he is in pain. And love him unconditionally. As hard as it is to not take it personally, it's not personal. He isn't doing this to you, he's doing it, in his mind, for himself.

It would help to let go of expectations.

I understand firsthand what it's like to love someone who has a bad addiction. I can understand where you are coming from. It can be exasperating, and very painful to watch, as there is truly nothing you can do aside from maybe make him think.

But, unless and until he decides to evolve his coping mechanisms for himself, there is not much you can do except love him, in a way that doesn't hurt you as much as is possible. For some that means from a distance. For others, that means a change of perspective and some boundaries.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Peace.