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If I could change one thing about my life....

JohnnyWindtunnel

JohnnyWindtunnel

Peer Supporter
If I could change one thing about my life I would not have ever taken the covid vaccine. It was a terrible idea for me. I found the vaccine to be nothing short of terrifying to begin with. It was so scary that everyone was taking a new type of shot to combat a new type of illness that had never been seen before. And the reactions people were having were also frightening. My wife got the shingles and had a miscarriage within weeks of the vaccine and she still didn't think they were related -- and she is a medical professional.

So I was terrified of this shot and took it anyway and now I've been dealing with such an incredibly frightening year of all kinds of bizarre symptoms. I'll defineilty never take one again or any other unnecessary or preventative medical measures for that matter.

I only took the vaccine because of the immense pressure from family and my wife's unvaccinated uncle died from COVID, he also had a major heart condition and was seventy years old, but I didn't want to be blamed should anyone else get sick.

What a HUGE mistake I made. Thank God for Sarno and this TMS wiki because this has been far and away the most effective thing I have found to help me. Week after week I do regain my life and symptoms have been fading. I am looking forward to a full recovery as I continue to process the rage and terror related to the vaccine and circumstances of my life and personality that preceeded it.
 
JohnnyWindtunnel said:
If I could change one thing about my life I would not have ever taken the covid vaccine.
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Hoo boy.

Okay, time for some tough love.

While it's great that you are embracing the mindbody connection, at whatever level you are at right now, I wonder if you would be willing to take another look at this question from a different point of view? A point of view that starts LONG before 2020 and goes a LOT deeper?

I believe that the purpose of this question is to look at how your life evolved from childhood to adulthood, making decisions, reacting to life challenges, and navigating relationships - all of these things eventually coming together and resulting in the dysfunctional situation, both emotionally and physically, in which you now find yourself. A situation which is clearly unresolved for you, in which you hold a massive amount of rage, blame, and resentment. The amount of rage, blame and resentment seem out of proportion to the situation, which indicates that the real rage comes from something deeper and longer ago.

When I was doing the SEP, my "one thing" was that I wished my parents had been able to help me with my anxiety when I was little. In doing the emotional work (mostly through various writing exercises), I recalled and examined numerous incidents (which I know were in my memory, but which I had ignored for decades as unimportant) which clearly showed that I had an abnormal level of anxiety, and that I'd probably had it since birth. I also realized that because my parents didn't know what to do about it, I ended up feeling very awkward and isolated as a young child - something that was buried so deep in my unconscious memories that I had no clue about it until 2011, at age 60, when I really let myself get vulnerable and go deep. And it explained SO MUCH. And it really helped me turn a significant corner.

Your current situation is symptomatic of internal dysfunction, which is a result of old unconscious patterns. I am going to take a big leap here and say this: if it hadn't been the vaccine, it would eventually have been something else coming between you and your family.

So: can you tackle this question again, by going back a whole lot farther than 2020? Remember: the question is really asking about a change in your life.
 
Ask and ye shall receive....

This makes me sad too @JohnnyWindtunnel. It's a lot more childhood trauma than most of us have had to deal with. Unfortunately, it is probably more than our simple SEP is meant to handle (I just realized you never said you were doing the SEP, but this is the Day 20 question to ponder). I don't want you to spin your wheels here while not really getting to the core of your trauma and pain. Your response to the "one thing" question actually illustrates quite brilliantly how your unconscious fearful brain tricked you into continuing to obsess about the vaccine instead of going deeper where the real pain resides. This is incredibly useful for us, because when someone says (and we hear this regularly) that they did the entire SEP and achieved zero relief, it's very difficult to figure out what went wrong. So seriously, thank you for this.

I get that you had a horrible experience in psychotherapy, but there's no way you can process this amount of old trauma without one-on-one help. There is a supposedly updated list of mindbody practitioners at the Psycho-Physiological Disorders Association (ppdassocation.org) that you could review, but a good place to start is probably Alan Gordon's Pain Psychology Center to see if they have appropriate counselors or therapists for your situation, or what they advise if not.

Going back to the original question, I would like to leave you with this: What if the "one thing" was learning, at some key point in your life, how to have compassion for yourself? I could be wrong, but it's my long-held belief that real recovery from TMS is not possible unless you love yourself enough to believe in your heart that you deserve to recover. What would that look like for you?

Sincerely wishing you all the best for hope, faith, and recovery.

~Jan
 
Johnny, you are going around in circles. .... you've already posted that you were afraid of the vaccine but now realize it's tms.

So you are saying that you'll never take a vaccine or preventative measure again despite recognizing that "IT"S YOUR BRAIN ON TMS and not the vaccine that is the problem.

It's like saying -- I was really scared to eat some ice cream and I ate some ice cream and because I got super duper scared after I ate the ice cream...because I was really scared to eat the ice cream.... even though nothing bad happened to me when I ate the ice cream except that I got super duper more scared...I'm never going to eat ice cream again.

Re-read what you wrote in your post and you'll see how your scared brain is acting illogical.

A better reaction might be -- I'm never going to read all the scary stuff before I take a preventative measure or medication. because my mind can't handle it. Like reading the insert that comes with any over the counter or prescription medication. Or searching for "bad side effects of taking _____." Fill in the blank with aspirin, antibiotic, anything.

So slow down, cowboy---- your TMS brain is getting itself worked up.

I haven't yet read Jan's response but will do so now.
 
I'm going to add that I've got a sneaking suspicion that your brain blaming the vaccination for how terrible you are feeling is related to some not so distant and not so deeply hidden anger -- about political difference between you and your wife and/or your wife's family?
 
Thank you for your response, Jan. It was very helpful and it opened up some authentic emotion that I haven’t felt (at least to this extent) while journaling.

I deleted the post because (strangely, but seriously) I really didn’t think I had more trauma than most people would on this forum But it totally makes sense

I’m still going to continue the SEP, even if you don’t think there is much of a chance that it could help me. It has been hopeful already, more so than other things I’ve tried.

I was in one on one therapy for a decade leading up to the development of the TMS and stopped it because I wasn’t getting enough results and wanted to spend my money on treating what I believed was a more physical issue. I don’t know if I’ll hop back into it, but appreciate your reccommendation about the limitations of the program.

I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I do get it about the program maybe not bring for me. Hopefully, it can still help me.
 
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Thanks Booble.

I go in circles too much. I need to go deeper and not around and around. Not reading all the scary side effects before taking a medication is good advise.

You’re also right about the political differences. These arose after a traumatic event in psychotherapy that severed my previous political leanings in a strange and idiosyncratic way — but were also compounded by ethnic-cultural changes that arose along party lines. (I’m of a mixed background, while my mother, my wife and her family are of the same singular ethnic group, ). I would very much like to mend these differences and know that the TMS work is part of that.

thank you very much for your feedback
 
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JohnnyWindtunnel said:
Thank you for your response, Jan. It was very helpful and it opened up some authentic emotion that I haven’t felt (at least to this extent) while journaling.

I deleted the post because (strangely, but seriously) I really didn’t think I had more trauma than most people would on this forum But it totally makes sense

I’m still going to continue the SEP, even if you don’t think there is much of a chance that it could help me. It has been hopeful already, more so than other things I’ve tried.

I was in one on one therapy for a decade leading up to the development of the TMS and stopped it because I wasn’t getting enough results and wanted to spend my money on treating what I believed was a more physical issue. I don’t know if I’ll hop back into it, but appreciate your reccommendation about the limitations of the program.

I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I do get it about the program maybe not bring for me. Hopefully, it can still help me.
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I think the program will bring you relief but you have to really be serious about it. And stop hyper focusing on the vaccine.
Forget about the vaccine. The vaccine is just a symbol of all the other anger you have tucked inside. It's not the vaccine. That was just there at a convenient time for your brain to blame. Forget about it. The vaccine is irrelevant. As I mentioned before, you could equally choose to view you taking it as heroic. You were taking the risk (albeit just teensy, weensy risk) in order to protect your family. That's noble. Not stupid. What you are mad about is the pressure that your family put on you. That your family has different viewpoints than you. That maybe they made you feel small for your viewpoints. Maybe they mocked you or mocked people who have your viewpoints. Those might be the things you are angry at.
The vaccine itself? Meh, that's a non-issue. You took it to protect your family. You took it because your wife wanted to.
My husband often does things he doesn't want to do because he wants to make me happy. That's a nice trait. He doesn't feel angry about that. He likes treating me like a princess. :) Likewise I do things for him that I think will make him happy.
The fact that you did what you did makes you a nice person.
So either you have deeper anger about your wife and her family or maybe you are reading forums that are creating anger and ire.

From where I'm sitting, I'm grateful that you were caring enough to take the vaccine for your wife, for your family, for your community.
 
Booble,
I think your entire take is accurate.
I need to decrease hyper focus on the vaccine, certainly the blame that stems from it particularly.

What’s very important now is that I begin to think in a way that is helpful regardless of whether I believe it “in my core”. I’ve heard that many people have recovered more quickly when they started telling others their pain was “fine” even when it wasn’t.

I’m fine. The vaccine was heroic because it made people around me feel safer and they are currently all doing fine. I’m glad about that. My pain is subsiding as I continue to work through the TMS protocols and believe the diagnosis and the strains of my past that brought me to this point can be healed through self compassion, and softly processing emotions and experiences.

Here’s a question: TMS is clearly about narcissistic rage (my case is a prime example). Our job once we realize this is to have compassion for the injured “child”, sooth the rage and let it go, correct? Not to over validate and identify with it?

Any insights in what to do with narcissistic rage would be appreciated.
 
It is NOT the vaccine. It never was. Vaccine’s have been around for a very long time. Most of the population would probably be dead without them.
What underlays your feelings towards the vaccine? Fear - you were afraid of it before you took it. How strong has that fear been in you? You were raised on fear. People often inflict fear upon others as a means of control. What are you trying to control inside you?
Anger? Anger at having to live with what you have been through? Spent loads of money trying to fix all the internal breakage caused by others? And then, the universe heaps on a whole lot of minds spinning fearful stuff that YOU cannot control. A virus with a lot of unknowns other than it causes deaths, spouse in healthcare, suspicion of authorities telling you to take something. Fear, a lot of fear. Fear can sometimes cover up deep sadness and rage because our mind might think it’s more acceptable, or that it’s just our default go-to emotion.
There is your work.
When you read Sarno substitute pain for vaccine. It’s the same thing essentially - just the mind’s “excuse” for the focus of symptoms.
Think about it this way. I have back pain. My back incident ( which is what I though was the catalyst of my TMS) was after bending over. Exchange your comment about never taking the vaccine, for “I should have never bent over”. The REAL catalyst for my own tms was feeling stretched beyond my limit, criticized, not listened to and my own internal struggle to maintain personal boundaries with a people pleasing personality. I was afraid I’d be rejected and unloved because of how I was trained to be as a child by a parent ( and it still happens) who put their own needs above their child's because of the way they were parented.
Look at cycles and patterns from childhood and see how you still do these things or think that way. This SEP was designed to take you there. An opening of the mind, a willingness to change perspective is all you need. It is hard, until it gets easier.
 
Cactus flower,
Well everything you said is definitely true for me. That was a good way of putting it: comparing the vaccine to bending over: I get it. Thanks —JW
 
JohnnyWindtunnel said:
Booble,
I think your entire take is accurate.
I need to decrease hyper focus on the vaccine, certainly the blame that stems from it particularly.

What’s very important now is that I begin to think in a way that is helpful regardless of whether I believe it “in my core”. I’ve heard that many people have recovered more quickly when they started telling others their pain was “fine” even when it wasn’t.

I’m fine. The vaccine was heroic because it made people around me feel safer and they are currently all doing fine. I’m glad about that. My pain is subsiding as I continue to work through the TMS protocols and believe the diagnosis and the strains of my past that brought me to this point can be healed through self compassion, and softly processing emotions and experiences.

Here’s a question: TMS is clearly about narcissistic rage (my case is a prime example). Our job once we realize this is to have compassion for the injured “child”, sooth the rage and let it go, correct? Not to over validate and identify with it?

Any insights in what to do with narcissistic rage would be appreciated.
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Gosh, I appreciate this response.
When you start to feel that anger directed toward the vaccine re-read it. Multiple times if you need to.
Heroic is correct. The definition being sacrificing yourself for your loved ones. You did that.

Now to the underlying anger.
I think you might have to deal with both the past injured child AND the present you anger that's just very lightly below the surface.
I can tell from your very measured responses to these posts -- posts that would probably anger a lot of people to read -- that you are very good at being polite and maybe saying and doing things to keep the peace rather that blurt out what you are really feeling.

So maybe it's about acknowledging how truly fucking mad you are. (Maybe even at me and other posters here!)

To your question, "Our job once we realize this is to have compassion for the injured “child”, sooth the rage and let it go, correct? Not to over validate and identify with it?"

I haven't really figured that out yet. What I have done that helps the most is get pen and paper and let little me (I call her Little B___) have a voice. I'll sometime write as adult me on a topic and then I'll write something like...let's see how Little B___ feels about this. And I write as if I'm little again and just let whatever spill out. I let it go on as long as it wants..... Sometimes I go to "Teenage B___" or "Young adult B____" instead of or in addition to Little B.. And then I continue to write as current me and my reactions to all of it and what I understand now, now that I'm an adult with life's wisdom. So the page can go from screaming rage to thoughtful response.
I, too, am not hundred percent sure if I'm supposed to accept or let go but it usually feels good if I kind of draw on the page a balloon and little me holding it and letting it go and draw the balloon drifting away. Sometimes I label the balloons with different emotions.

This is just me and my process and I'm sure it's not the same for anyone else but maybe it will help you get started with your own method and what works for you. For me it's acknowledge, re-experience, feel, discuss, release....something like that. All on paper.

If you do use the paper method you can do as Jan and others suggest and toss the paper (or delete if e-writing) as another ritual for sending it off. And it ensures you don't censor yourself since you know it's going to go away when you are done.
I'm the opposite and I keep them. After I finish a writing session, it all feels too precious to me to get rid of. But I don't have any fear anyone is going to see it, I'm 100% real and in the flow when I'm writing. Almost hypnotic.

JohnnyW -- I really hope you can go through the TMS process and/or something similar. It feels like you have a lot going on inside for many years. You seem like a really good dude.

As my husband likes to say whenever either one of us are scared, "Brave & Courageous!"
 
Awesome responses (as usual) from @Cactusflower and @Booble. So I'm going to pay attention to something else.

JohnnyWindtunnel said:
I deleted the post because (strangely, but seriously) I really didn’t think I had more trauma than most people would on this forum But it totally makes sense
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When I saw the post that you deleted, my immediate thought was "Finally! Good job!".

And then you deleted it.

You deleted a powerful and emotional post where you laid out your issues from the past - with very few, if any, filters.


What does this tell you? Your choices are:

a. THIS is your brain on TMS.

b. Your brain effectively edited out a deeply emotional and rageful response.

c. Your true emotional response and deep rage have been effectively cancelled and invalidated by your fearful brain.

d. All of the above


More later, gotta run.
 
Definitely, that wa my TMS brain editing out a lot of rageful stuff - I’ll put it back
1. Anger/sadness at parents spiritual and ethnic conflict
2. Anger/sadness about mentally ill and drug addicted brother who created tons of chaos and then died of an OD
3. Anger/sadness about being mistreated and driven crazy by psychoanalysts
4. Anger/sadness at being abandoned in a time of need
5. anger at significant others for pushing me into major life decisions when I wasn’t ready because trauma was unprocessed
6. (As per bobble) anger at extended family for political differences that result in them ganging up on and mocking me. (They now seem to feel bad about all of it).
7. Anger at myself for holding onto all this stuff and making myself sick

and

feeling so so so so sad that I cry that I have three beautiful little daughters who have a dad who feels like this. (I really am a good dad and it’s the most important thing to me, but they have been effected and I hate that.)

and just an FYI the vaccine symptoms I have are specific to both the vaccine and long Covid and are identical to those of the people who have reported cures through TMS work. We all independently have developed these without interaction with each other — so strangely there is a specific vax/Covid TMS syndrome that does exist and it’s inexplicable as to how or why it arises the way it does at this time.

I also hired a TMS coach as per your orders. Have a good weekend.
 
It's a tough time politically if you are in the US.
We are very divided. And each side feels very strongly.
It's hard when it's family. I know that I am very angry and hateful about it.

I'm embarrassed to say that when I first started TMS work (not that long ago) I visualized having a club and beating the crap out of my sister. And it immediately made my symptoms go away. I love my sister. We have been good friends all our lives. When we get together we laugh and have good fun. I'm a peaceful person. I don't believe in or participate in violence. But I guess I must have/had a lot of frustration toward her. I've since explored things related to her both past and present from multiple different angles in my writing sessions.
 
Ot’s the same for back pain sufferers. Millions of us have the same symptoms, studies show it’s most often TMS.
Pretty much similar to long term RSI eg. Wrists, IC, fibro.. TMS.
 
Wow
Here are mine: heart palps, palpable chest pain, joint pain and weird pain in legs that moves around.

is that typical TMS without long Covid or the vax?
 
JohnnyWindtunnel said:
Wow
Here are mine: heart palps, palpable chest pain, joint pain and weird pain in legs that moves around.

The volume of costochondritis os very idiosyncratic to long Covid and vax injuries.
It would fit into Sarno’s theory of coming up with new medically convincing ways to express the pain in different eras though.::
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