Day 9 Identifying with a lot of SEP information

Today I've listened to the audios on self criticism, I can identify with all of them.
I am terribly self critical, I do not like the way I look or the way I do things. I constantly over analogise what I've said to people or how I've acted, when I did suffer with anxiety I works even have attacks over it. I would cry about trival comments that were probably not even thought about after the conversation by the other people, yet I would dwell for days. I am better not yet I still have those thoughts now and again and I'm still berating myself continuously.
I wish I could fine a way to love myself as I am. That would be nice.

I have been journaling which has brought tears at times, I know some of what I have wrote is still unresolved. Maybe journaling will help me there.
There are things that I feel a lot of guilt over that I haven't write about yet, for some reason putting pen to paper is very hard for these issues. I feel even guiltier almost like I'm still doing those things. I am also worried if anything happened to me how my family might feel if they found my journal. I have asked my partner to take care if it should he need too.

Something that I am thinking about a lot since starting this program is my work related health problems, RSI and back/neck pain.
I am a nail technician, I have always been self employed since I started this career at age 19. It wasn't what I wanted to do while at school but I flunked college (which I do regret) however I kind of fell into after some awful jobs. I started with depression before I became a nail tech.
I found that I was pretty good at it and working for myself was great. The money was good compared to my other jobs as long as I worked hard for it. I built up a good client base and opened my own salon with a friends daughter who I trained up. We were successful and I enjoyed what I did.
Unfortunately I had a bad experience with my current landlord who took me to court for apparently leaving his shop in a state this simply wasn't true and the judge threw out the claim for damage to the shop but made me pay 3 months rent as I didn't give written notice. I did but verbally, I was not aware of contract law then and the landlord was unapproachable. I felt a lot of anger towards him and felt it was completely unfair as I'd spent thousands rebuilding part of his shop and making it useable again. (It was practically derelict)

Business commenced in the new salon and I took on another member of staff. It was then I started having pain in my hands and I was having problems with anxiety and depression still. A few months after I found out that my friend that worked for me had been asked to go and manage a new salon on the same road (1/2 a mile away) by one of my clients who decided she could run a salon better, she also poached my other member of staff, I found out by seeing the clients partner decorating the shop and put two and two together. My staff/friend denied it at first, but I already knew in my heart what was going on. She then admitted the following week and took the other girl with her. I was devastated, I couldn't believe that they would do this to me in such an under hand way. I was left in my salon with a trainee working every hour I could to keep going, then one day the dog accidentally broke my finger, I had to have an op so I closed and decided to go mobile on my own when I returned to work.
I decided to up my game and complete my NVQ and became an educator but I was so lacking in confidence and consumed by anxiety that I was too nervous to push myself to do it. I regret that. I started competing in nail comps, I came second 12 times and had 3 firsts but I wouldn't push myself to practise more and regret that as I could have done so much better. People I've competed with are top techs now with successful businesses and although I'm educating now I feel like I am a failure. I also went back to uni and did a Certificate in Education but I don't enjoy teaching at college.
The pain in my hands has escalated over the years with various treatments and ops that have done nothing, I've had to cut my clients down which means I earn less and rely on the training which I'm struggling with as I'm terrible at marketing and using the PC. My back and neck pain started around now. My brother is a successful entrepreneur and is sharing some of his knowledge with me but I just feel useless. I don't think I'm good enough to be a business person yet I can't continue with the practical side.
The money aspect isn't helping either yet I'm in a position now where I've never been so well off, I'm not earning as much but I have a partner who works and we share the bills and we have enough left over to holiday etc.
I have dreams and aspirations yet I'm sabotaging myself.
Sorry this has turned into a rant, I have gotten quite emotional while typing this.
Any thoughts on this post please share with me.

 

Hi, Toby. You have been through a lot regarding work and what those two terrible people did to you. No wonder you have low self esteem and TMS pain from the anger you are holding. My suggestion is you tell your subconscious that you are really angry (Dr. Sarno calls it a rage), and that should help relieve your pain. I think you also would be helped a lot if you just forgive those two people. You don't have to talk to them or write them. Just forgiving them in your heart and mind would be enough.

And now live in the moment... your current work situation sounds very positive with the new partner. Focus on that. Holiday more and worry less.

There are some very good videos on Youtube for building self-esteem.

 

I shall check those out Walt thank you. I think your right about forgiving them and I've thought I had in a round about sort of way. But think ive chosen to forget rather than forgive. I will write one of my letters to them in the SEP. I am noticing lots of emotions are still present from past events that I thought I'd let go of. Obviously I gavent let go completely.
On a positive note my back and neck pain have been much better this last week and a half...
Also I'm linking my stomach problens to when I'm thinking about something stressful. Why have a never noticed this before?!