I Wasn't Going To Post/I am Sad

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a while.

Usually I don't spill my life story on the internet! But you all have become family to me! My TMS family and support!

Over the Christmas Holiday my 90 year old Mom had fallen one day before Christmas Eve. I had to call an the paradmedics and she was in rehab for TWO weeks.

To make the long story short! I had to take her back to the ER and they discovered my Mom has pancreatic mass! It doesn't look good.

Since there is not much we can do, my brother and I decieded to get Hospice service for her to hopefully have a peaceful passing.

I am beyond devasted! Besides hospice, I am caregiving for her NON stop! My brother comes over to visit, but, I am the one that up day and night tending to her. Changing diapers, cleaning her, feeding her, etc.

My TMS is acting up something fierce. It goes to sciatic nerve on my right and now TMJ on the left side of my jaw! I have notice when the TMJ acts up the sciatic nerve is at bay...

To make matters worst, I had a family member who believe she is ENLIGHTENED person! She bitched me out (pardon my language) when she called to see how my Mom was doing...

I was scared that my Mom (the first week) she came home was not going to make it because she wasn't eating, or drinking!

My brother had left that night and I was afraid to be alone with her for fear that something awful would happen!

When this family member called that night and I tried to explain my fears she told me that I should know better for my age to be afraid of my Mom dying...She thought she was giving me tough love.

I proceed to sternly to tell my family member to buzz off! She didn't know what I am going through had no right to say this to me. She abruptly told me good bye and hung up the phone.

Two days later she called to see how I am my Mom were doing! Because of getting hospice started it was so chaotic, plus I didn't really feel like speaking to her, I didn't return the call.

Yesterday, she called and I was making dinner for my Mom and myself, as I saw it was her calling I didn't pick up the phone!

She left a nasty message on my voice mail saying that she is upset at the way I am acting!

That if I didn't want to take her call it is "my problem not hers" She said other horrible things that I am negative person and so forth.

I couldn't believe that her knowing my Mom's situation and me running myself to the ground that she would leave a hurtful message the way she did.

I did return her call last night calmly trying to explain that I hadn't had sleep in 5 days....She started at me with the attacks right away and at the point I started to get upset with her and she hung up on me..

I called her back and she said are you going to calm down and stop yelling at me...She still said how negative I was and she was only trying to help!

I ended up apologizing just to make peace with her...Though I am a DO GOODER to the max, I will no longer have her in my life.

The call made me feel HORRIBLE! Like this was all my fault! I keep going through the awful ordeal over and over, I still keep playing the scenario of what happened! On top of that I am having to deal with my poor Mom all by myself!

My left jaw is poping and is hurting so bad that I can't even chew....It's either sciatic nerve or jaw pain!

I also have health anxiety and all this has fallen on me! This diagnosis of my Mom's pancreatic mass is devasting to me! I am SCARED of what is to come!

Kalo

 

I find it very interesting that many persons have TMS that is aggravated by family relationships....it's a very unfortunate reality.

Sorry to hear of your mom's (and your) situation. Don't worry abt the relative who is giving you a hard time, we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of stuff and she is going to have to accept it. People also do not usually realize how difficult it is on the caregiver as he/she is the one who is constantly dealing with the emotional pain of the pending loss of a loved one. Those that are not there very much can at least detach themselves mentally for a while as they go about their lives.

Just press on and continue to do the right thing, if the relatives don't like it the he11 with them............I know it's a cold stance but you are getting the opposite of what they should be giving you right now - grief instead of support.

 

Hi Kalo. This is a lot to get through and so you need to be kind to yourself as much as you can. It is scary and overwhelming to loose a parent, and to be the primary one to take care of her on top of that. Be patient with yourself. It is okay to be freaking out a bit. My husband and I have a business taking care of the elderly and we work with hospice clients all the time. Or families that we have been working with for years and then the client goes on hospice. I have had many family members tell me that they are not sure how they are going to make it. They do and you will but I know it is not easy. That family member seems very insensitive and she is really adding to the stress. I wish you were close by so that we could give you a little reassurance and support. Try to reach out to some friends and hopefully the hospice company can help. Often people are not sure what to do when someone is passing and so they don't do anything. But if you let them know you are in need, they generally will respond. You should not be alone through all of this, that can really add to the panic and fear. Even if friends and family came by and just visited and brought some food or something, that would help. But you will need to let someone know to spread the word with clear instructions on what to do and how to help.

 

Hello Kalo,

I am sorry for your mother, and you at this time. This has to be one of the most stressful times in your life.

I hope, as Anne said that you can ask for support and receive it. I think as part of this you need to take a little time for yourself, for self care, like when there is hospice support in the home for you, or when friends or relatives can stop by. That is one of the things you can put on this list for help "Sit with my mother while I go out."

With death there can be a reaction to try to fix and make everything all right. This can take away from you really using, for you, (not anyone else, even your mother) your time for yourself. I hope when you get a chance for a break from the scene there, you really do what you want to do for you. Something refreshing, soothing, something separate from any caretaking thoughts or activities. This is a way to give yourself love and support. And you need it.

This is a powerful thing. It is also a practice of you taking care of you, and putting boundaries around your endless caretaking. By asking for help, being very clear with yourself and others about what you need. This is a skillful way of working with your tendencies to be a DO GOODER. And Anne is saying explicitly that you get someone else to collect your needs and make requests on your behalf. Assigning someone that role is letting in more support, if you can allow this, and make it happen with your resources.

All the patterns you are noticing may be extra activated to keep away awareness of the devastating reality of what is happening. This is natural too. My heart is with you.

Andy B.

 

Thank you all for your support! The fact that my TMS is acting up so bad makes me wonder how I am going to be able to caregive for my Mom...I have dealt with sciatic pain on the right side of my leg...But this TMJ on the left side of my jaw hurt so bad I can even eat. It feels like my jaw has been discolated I can't even chew on that side.

This family member is selfish...I am starting to learn how to separate myself from her...

Thanks for all your support!
Kalo

 

Kalo, Anne gave you wonderful advice. And if you've been around here much, you'll see that family induced TMS is not an uncommon topic. (I've started a thread or two on that topic myself!)

I've had a lot of conflict with one of my sisters in particular. Any more, I keep a respectful distance and keep talks short and impersonal. To expect anything more is inviting more difficult and yes, a flare up of symptoms.

When you're dealing with flare-ups, I encourage you to journal. And then journal some more You are going through a grieving process...be sure to allow yourself to voice that grief instead of bearing it all on your tired shoulders. I know how difficult that is - both my parents have long gone passed.

Gentle hugs to you, NS

 

I am riding home and feeling pain in my leg. My husband is driving, I know its tms. I searched "leg pain" and read this thread.....timely. We have spent the last 3 days at hospice house with my husbands family. His mom was expected to die 3 days ago. We live 3 hours away and are going to get some clean clothes. Thankfully the family is doing great, no tensions. However, death is hard. Our daughter got married last weekend, everyone was there, but grandma....so sad. My brain is more unhappy than I know. My leg says so. Thank you for being here to tell. Love that this community!

Lizzy