One of the difficult life events that I'm journaling about is that I was cheated on in a previous relationship. While I don't believe I made my then girlfriend cheat (I realize she had alternatives), I do see how my actions were damaging the relationship (fyi - none of the problems I caused in the relationship were with the opposite sex). I recall discovering she was cheating on me. I knew she had been deceiving me and I held her responsible. Even though I was indignant, I was always very careful to be evenhanded and acknowledged being in a relationship with me was challenging/difficult. Looking back, all the problems in the relationship were mine - at least the ones that were discussed between us. She loved me and wanted to get married. Her feelings made her blameless as I struggled with measuring up to her readiness for the ultimate commitment. My lack of readiness may have even served as justification for any reaction she had, including infidelity. Not living up to her expectation...not being ready for her was the same as me deserving anything she decided to do to me. Although I couldn't believe she cheated and lied to me, I understood why. I always told myself and others that I understood why. I somehow blame and excuse her at the same time. I still don't know what a healthy reaction to this event would have been. Rage? Revenge? Crying? I remember blowing up on the phone and cursing at her some months later (that's right, I stayed with her). The second I used foul language she hung up on me and used that single bad word to retake the moral high ground in the relationship. One outburst with a curse word and I found myself having to be repentant toward her. Lots of apologies followed from me to her. One fucking curse word. Jesus. What would have been an emotionally mature reaction then? And now...how should I feel about it? How much should I blame myself vs. how much do I hold her responsible for her actions?