I want to start healing but I haven't been able to

[milliways]

My story begins early in life with a premature birth and a childhood filled with anxiety and abuse from my father, who has a personality disorder. Here is a rough overview of the timeline that followed:

2004: I was put on SSRI's at the age of 13 and almost immediately began suffering from pelvic floor dysfunction / chronic constipation.
2012: I went off of SSRI's and developed what some call post-SSRI sexual dysfunction.
2016: I went through a harsh taper off a benzo and developed derpersonalization, acid reflux, sleep issues, heart palpitations, and raynaud's.
2019: I went through another harsh taper off a benzo and developed tinnitus.

Various bouts of stress and viruses since then have left me in a further sensitized state. I am now in my early 30's and while I live a 'good' life on the surface - my career is stable, I have a good home life, I see my friends & family often - I can't help but feel like my body breaks down further with each passing year. I've had doctor after doctor tell me there is nothing physically wrong with me.

I own books about complex trauma, somatic therapy, TMS, and vagal nerve theory. I've watched thousands of videos and have read tens of thousands of forum posts over the past few years. But for whatever reason I can't get past this mental block I have to actually start engaging with the work. I want so badly to start healing but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it.

Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts?

 

[Cactusflower]

Recently, I was reading some very old threads on this forum, and they are full of gold.
Firstly, you must commit to yourself, to really be willing to take time with yourself and understand that the inability to do this is simply part of TMS - your brain is just afraid of not being able to protect you in the way it thought it was supposed to. You’re suggesting something new.. it’s simply resistance. Don’t make it a big deal.
Your brain thinks something in you is “off” or that you are fragmented, but you are not. It’s the illusion of TMS, so just keep telling yourself that you are fine. It’s taken me a long time to try and have fun with some of this. It’s hard, but finding a balance between doing the work, restoring your nervous system to be more flexible and finding ways to enjoy or even be content is helpful.
Commit to the work and choose the one path you are going to take. There is our free SEP or Alan Gordon’s Way Out, or Dr. Schubiner’s book (to name just three). Choose one and do it. That’s all it takes.
You can do this.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi @milliways and welcome. @Cactusflower has perfectly described how what you are dealing with is the resistance of the TMS brain mechanism.

If individual therapy with somebody who's very familiar with the mindbody connection is not a possibility, I highly recommend that you check out Nicole Sachs, LCSW. She abandoned her individual practice in order to bring this work to a wider audience, and it's working. Just listening to one of her podcast episodes feels to me like a an individual therapy session. She's amazing, compassionate, and 100% versed and vested in TMS theory, having directly worked with Dr Sarno back in the day. She has a weekly podcast going back to 2018, she has free YouTube videos, and she also has some paid programs and a monthly paid membership group where people can interact with her directly once a month for 3 hours, and with each other on a regular basis. If you look up my profile posts and click on Threads Started By at the bottom, you'll find my individual recommendations for many of her most recent podcast episodes.

There's no doubt you're on the right track and I'm really glad you found this forum. We're here to support your journey!