I think I have finally found what I have.

[KathyBee]

Hi everyone,
I am new here. I have kind of stumbled upon TMS by mistake but I feel like it describes what I have.
I have wandering pain that comes and goes. I also have a feeling of tightness or tension in my body that never goes away even when I feel relaxed. I have tried yoga, massage and a variety of relaxation techniques. They either do not work or only give relief for a short time.
I recently picked up the book The Pain Deception. I thought that it would be all about visualizing good health and techniques like that. I was surprised to find that the key was about not suppressing anger and negative emotions. The self help books I have read focused a lot on keeping happy and positive all the time. I think that all this time I thought I was helping myself be happier and more relaxed what I was really doing was burying my negative emotions to the point where I was not aware of them. Because if I was really becoming more happy and relaxed this always on tension in my body would go away.
I am feeling really upset as write this. I suppose that is a good thing. Because normally I do not allow myself to get this upset.
I actually have a long history of repressing my emotions. I was moody as a child. I had a lot to be upset about, but that is a story for another time. My mom did not react well to my moods. My mom pressured me heavily to always smile and be cheerful no matter what. She once took away my music player, my most prized possession at the time, because I had a very sad expression in response to one of the songs. I got the player back later that day, on the condition that I did not listen to any more sad songs. So not only was I pressured to pretend to be happy all the time, but I could be punished for not doing it.
I have a few other symptoms that may be related as well. The big one is fatigue which comes and goes. Since I have followed the advice in the book to not let your symptoms keep you from doing things, the fatigue has gotten better.
I have not finished the book yet, but have skimmed it and read the chapter at the end about what you must do to heal.

 

[Gigalos]

Hi Kathy,

I see you've already taken the first steps on the road to recovery. I am impressed about your self analysis. Good for you!!

 

[hecate105]

The stuff from childhood is really powerful. 'Man hands on misery to man'. The structured educational programme on this site is a very good way of getting to grips with how to deal with all this stuff that makes us ill. I can recommend it - especially if you are not wanting to read too much.

 

[KathyBee]

Thank you.
I like to read, but mostly I read thing like fantasy, science fiction, romance and mystery. The pain deception is not really a fun read.
I am slowly working my way through it.
I have been doing some journal writing to express my anger.
Today was rage against cheese day. Yes, cheese really ticks me off.
I am lactose intolerant and get very sick when I have cheese or any dairy product. People microwave stuff like leftover pizza and lasagna at work. It smells up the office microwave. So stuff I heat up smells faintly of a food that will make me sick.
Anyway I like to write, so I may check out the structure program. With maybe a bit in my journal about the day to day things that get me upset.

 

[Gigalos]

I was angry at cheese last week, but it was because my petite Munster was smelling so badly that it became unbearable. I like a smelly cheese, but there is a limit to everything. I threw the bastard in the freezer packed in 10 layers of foil, so I could dispose it safely when the garbage truck came on Monday, but the result was a smelly freezer....

But more seriously, my only tip for now is to give it time. Don't set a goal for when you want to be cured, just be confident that one day you will. Don't rush.