I remember why I got stuck on Day 8 before...

In 2018, I worked my way through 75 percent of the SEP, improved significantly, and decided I had a handle on this TMS s--t, right?
Well, no. I was also going through a major life event, the end of my 30-year marriage and all the awful fallout from that, especially the impact on my kids. Bit by bit I went back down the rabbit hole, and ended up getting a "procedure" that, of course, "failed" - we've heard that before. My world got a little smaller and the stressors kept piling up. Finally I took a look at where I was at, collected all the courage I could muster, and went to Detroit to meet with Dr. Schubiner. Brilliant man. And the light bulb went off: it's all TMS. Not unhealed injury from the car accident or damage from the "procedure" - that was all resolved a long time ago. It was the grief and the anger - fury, really - and the sadness and the loneliness, plus the stress of coping with change after change that I wasn't ready for - like being single, for God's sake, just when it looked like we were cruising into our golden years and hitting the road in an RV. My heart was broken, and it still is.
So I got back from Detroit and started kicking ass. Two months later, I was back in ER with a badly sprained knee after a loose dog crashed into me and my dog. And that incident has really messed with my sense of safety. It's a lot of knocking down to deal with: first the car-pedestrian thing (I was the pedestrian, haha), then the divorce, then the dog. I retreated even more.
I came back to the SEP at the end of 2019, and stopped at Day 8. And now I remember why - which (at last) brings me to the point of this post. My brain f-ing HATES it when I start working through my emotions, when I put into writing that there's a parent on one shoulder telling my I haven't reached my potential, and on the other shoulder is a version of myself that tells me I'm not good enough. And so the TMS stuff really ramps up. Right now I'm experiencing things at a level I haven't felt in years. And it's scary. And, yes, distracting. And I remember the same thing happening in 2019, and I folded like a cheap table because I was afraid of losing functionality.
This time, by God, I'm going to power through. Because life is short and there's a beautiful world out there, full of birds that I want to see.
But I gotta tell you, I might need some encouragement, so if you can spare some, I'd really appreciate it!

 

You've connected a lot of dots, and are well on your way to full recovery. Keep going.

In my experience we don't have to resolve those inner conflicts to be TMS free. We just have to be willing to look at them honestly and sit with that awareness, being gentle with ourselves.

 

Thanks, Ellen! I've made it through two days of my brain throwing everything in the TMS playbook at me and I'm still kickin' around, so it's so far, so good. Now if only the Giants could hold a lead into the ninth inning...