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Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
I reclaimed my life
- Thread starter SaltyW
- Start date
Thank you very much.WOW. What an incredible story, so honest. You are amazing SelWylde! I think my favourite parts are where you say you experienced a sense of belonging and developed compassion for yourself. Thank you so much for sharing
I tried to pour my heart into it so maybe people could benefit from my own conclusions about taking responsibility for our own happiness and refusing to be a victim any longer.
Boston Redsox
Well Known Member
Amazing Story
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Beloved Grand Eagle
God bless you for such a heart-rending and utterly honest telling of your story and healing. There's quite a lot I identify with and I have a hunch I'll be visiting this post repeatedly over time because it's such a valuable resource. Thank you for taking the time to write it, and I hope you know that it will be a beacon of hope to many.
All the best to you angel.
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All the best to you angel.
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North Star
Beloved Grand Eagle
Fabulous story. Thank you so much for sharing.
silentflutes
Peer Supporter
Thank you for wonderful post. I loved it. It was honest and in detail.
I was intrigued by this passage. Can you elaborate on this?
thank you for this.
Sure. I realized that I forgot myself in the quest of trying to keep other people in my life at all costs. I never gave voice to my feelings of discomfort or even my needs because respecting myself was less important to me than keeping that person in my life, after all I thought I could put up with whatever negative behavior they displayed because the good one would make up for it, after all "no one is perfect". I realized that I was so afraid of being alone because I costantly needed to be validated in my feelings or opinions from other people, or because I thought I needed support when I was feeling sad or I had some problems, not even realizing that 90% of the time those problems came from relationships with others and that I wouldn't even have them if I were by myself or associated with different people.
I could not grasp the concept that I have a right to whatever emotion or opinion I may have even if everyone else thinks that I should not be feeling that way. I literally believed I could not handle life if I didn't have anyone else to turn to to make decisions.
A very simple example would be a friend hurting me with a "joke" that's more like a gratuitous insult (a friend while joking said publicly that I am like a dog, stupid but lovable), me protesting and receiving a reply similar to "What? You can't be hurt about that! I was only joking! I can't believe we are fighting over something like this!" I would feel frustrated and even abandoned by this person because they did not understand my hurt. But now I would simply tell them they hurt me and if they didn't mean to and they are indeed my friends then they should accept my reaction, and I'll also calmly ask them to never "joke" again in the same way. Basically I am asking them to take responsibility for their actions, abusive people really hate to say sorry. I try to respect others so others should respect me if they want to associate with me.
This applies to every situation where people told me that I should not cry over something that happened to me, I should not get angry, I should not feel the way I feel basically.
I'm stating how I want to be treated, what I will or won't accept from others. Basically I am putting up boundaries to keep my life a peaceful place for myself , I realized have the choice to go away from toxic individuals. I think there is a very fine line between controlling others and putting up boundaries for ourselves. We need to understand when bad feelings come from "inside" us or "outside" us, basically if someone is really not respecting us or we are triggered by normal behavior because of our own insecurities.
The low self-esteem was the reason I could not validate my own feelings or opinions by myself. Sure, we as humans need to feel accepted by others and it feels great when you can connect emotionally to someone, however don't let anybody convince you that you don't have a right to feel the way you do. You can't control your feelings, only your actions. You can't be held accountable for something you can't control, therefore all of your feelings are valid and human, don't let others convince you otherwise. However, it is our duty to behave correctly, wrong actions are not justified. If one believes their feelings are out of proportion or too intense I believe it is necessary to reflect on those feelings and to try to understand why something is so triggering to them.
silentflutes
Peer Supporter
Exactly spot on. This is what happens to me. People make fun of me at first. When I revolt, they say just joking. And i feel i am making fool out of myself so I try to hide my pain, hurt. But, lately, I have been bold enough to say what hurts me and accept if that person wants to go. Few of my friends have stopped talking to me and I am ok with that.
Exactly. We resonate so much. I also put up with everything the person does and say so that I wouldn't have to fight with them.I do not feel like speaking for myself. I feel hurt and pain but I never speak. I prioritize everything else except me. How did you resolve this?
And,Hmmm, I stammer. So, makes me object of fun among friends. So, I guess, I am not speaking for myself and hence it has to do something with stammer.
Since I cover up and hide all my pain and hurt, stammer is there is express it. Yeah, I do got TMS but later on that...
And how do I do this? Either I end up putting a lot of boundaries or I end up accept all the shit. How to balance these?
And hence, I got stammer.
Hmm and yeah if there is any corner left to this story please do share. Details are expected. I see lot of me in your experiences. Thanks for sharing.
It's good that you have found the courage to speak up for yourself! You are very brave to be okay with the fact that some of your friends have stopped talking to you. Some people need to learn to accept responsibility and say sorry when they hurt somebody without meaning to. It makes no sense that they would take your rebelling as a personal offense, they are just trying to turn the situation around because they can't accept being at fault. Fun at the expense of others is only endurable when there is enough self-esteem and a secure sense of self that is not threatened by the opinion of others. What you must absolutely do for yourself is to build self-love, acceptance and self-esteem. You will still be free to demand respect from them, even though their words won't hurt your core self anymore.
It just has to click inside yourself that you are worthy. Like, deeply internalize this concept. The only person that definitely won't ever abandon you is yourself! You must be your own protector. You are the only one that can assert your needs, and properly communicate to others your feelings and thoughts. If you don't do this you might expect others to act a certain way with you without you asking for it and ending up resenting them when they don't meet your expectations, but truthfully they never had a chance to because you didn't tell them what you needed.
From the sound of it, I believe that your stammering is indeed a TMS symptom. Since expressing yourself to you is so difficult, maybe this is your own body protesting by making you unable to do so. Just a thought, maybe if it makes sense to you you could elaborate further on this and think about the time you started to stammer. You could start by treating it like any other TMS symptom: pretending it's not even there. Don't let it bother you, it's just a distraction and you know your true goal.
You are not used to putting up boundaries so probably at first you will be too strict and even react too harshly, like me; but then you will get used to it and start to be more flexible in what you will accept from others because in the meanwhile you will have built a more secure self, you'll be able to observe others' behavior without taking it personally and you won't be afraid of potentially being (temporarily, until you meet other people) alone in the worst case scenario, so you don't depend on anybody and won't be afraid to disagree with others.
You should look up how to build healthy boundaries on the internet, maybe you could even look into self-help books about it.
What is peculiar about boundaries is that people can violate them with ill intentions or with good ones.
I just imagine my own garden with a nice pretty fence. This garden is my own "self". I must nurture and care for my garden, I can't expect others to come in and do the work for me. I am the one who decides who comes inside or not. I am the one who decides what should be or shouldn't be in my garden. Who I am, what I want, what is important to me. If somebody is being mean, destructive or abusive to you then this person is literally stepping in, breaking objects and trashing plants and you should just let them out. But even people that forcibly want to control your garden by helping you at all costs are not respecting your space.
Since we seem so similar, are you familiar with the term "Codependent"? If you're curious try to look into it.
This is an extract from this webpage http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html (Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder)
Codependents
Like dependents (people with Dependent Personality Disorder), codependents depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological (“ego”) functions. They seek to fuse or merge with their significant others. By “becoming one” with their intimate partners, codependents are able to actually love themselves by loving others.
Codependents are needy, demanding, and submissive. They suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. These behaviours are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. Codependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed.
This is where the "co" in "co-dependence" comes into play. By accepting the role of victims, codependents seek to control their abusers and manipulate them. It is a danse macabre in which both members of the dyad collaborate.
The codependent sometimes claims to pity her abuser and cast herself in the grandiose roles of his saviour and redeemer. Her overwhelming empathy imprisons the codependent in these dysfunctional relationships and she feels guilt either because she believes that she had driven the abuser to maltreat her or because she contemplates abandoning him.
Do you see yourself in this? Are there people in your life that you could describe as emotionally or physically abusive? Many self-esteem and dependency disorders come from a childhood with neglectful or emotionally/physically absent parents.
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silentflutes
Peer Supporter
I got that. Lately, I have realized I am very self centered. Very sensitive. I mean if i do mistake, i have tons of guiltn,anger,hatred towards myself. If someone hurts, again, i focus on my self, why m i hurt? I shouldnt be hurt! Its not good to be hurt. I shouldnt take personally. What happens to me is my mistake. Not anyone's. So i never focus to someone else!!! Either way m hurt....
I don' t have guts to speak for myself. I become sorry for myself becuase i stammer and i stay quiet.
Yeah thanks for pointing outt.Stammer is a tms. I realized that a year ago. It is there to cope with part of life that i dont want to cope with. I reject all darkness in me. I want to be perfect. I want everything as i expect. And i fear lot. I am tensed a lot. So those are expressed in my voice. Stammer.
And it started when i was around 5 years old. And it was like that. When i am too emotional, fearful tensed, it just happened. When i am emotional and try to hide that it happens. When i try to be someone i am not inside it happens. As i recall childhood, there was fear in family. Fight. Suffering. And i realized i am tooo negative orientation and see only faults and create world around it. ....
That's me. What can i do?
Thiss is me.i see that in myself.
Any further insight advice is welcomed.
Thank you.
Well, I'm no expert but I can see atleast two possible reasons: It can come from not enough self-esteem or from too much (secret and fake) insecure self-esteem. You could be hurt because you are self-conscious and take their words to heart because you don't have a secure sense of self or you could be hurt because you're angry that they don't see you as amazing as you think you are, but this is only a mask put in place to hide a deep sense of inadequacy.
What both these situation have in common is that self-worth is derived from the opinion of others.
You're disappointed at yourself. Don't be sorry for yourself, go at your own pace, but do it. It's exactly when it feels scary to jump that you should jump or you'll always end up in the same place!
Try to look up Covert Narcissism. Then look up Codependence, Co-Narcissism (also referred to as Inverted Narcissism, many people think it's synonymous for Covert Narcissist, but Inverted Narcissism is a person "molded" to accomodate specifically narcissists of all shapes and sizes and craves their company). These are all "disorders" that might seem similar, but they're different and only you can know what reminds most of yourself deep down. If you feel you can't handle it by yourself it would be useful to look for a therapist.
Don't be scared about all these names, labels don't define us as a person but they are useful if you need to look up information that can benefit you in your search for happiness. Personality Disorders seem "incurable" like many other modern physical illnesses, but I personally believe in the power of our own mind. Emotions are the key to everything, personality disorders and the like are generally born as a powerful mechanisms to cope with early traumatic experiences or inadequate upbringing. Only by letting down all our defenses and accessing our most painful memories we are able to face ourselves and be "real" again.
I 100% agree with this entire post. This is gold. http://www.narcissismfree.com/are-you-an-inverted-narcissist/ (Are You An Inverted Narcissist? – Narcissism Free)
Look up basic information on Codependency or Dependency disorders. Don't get scared if they say these are "incurable", they say the same thing about every physical disorder we managed to cure on these boards.
At the very core of these issues is lack of self-love and self-realization. Basically what Codependents need is to be "psychologically born" as a separate individual in the world. It really has to do with realization that you are a separate entity from the rest of the world and you have a right to be here, then working on it with boundaries, then with self-care and respect and then by discovering what are you true wants, likes, desires and where you want to be in this world.
If you believe your childhood was difficult and you think you can handle it without the help of a therapist then maybe look into self-help books. I still have to buy some but I plan to. This one interests me "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" It has many reviews on Amazon.
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you're a bad-ass. thanks for sharing. Ive dealt with all kinds of TMS stuff in the past, but lately it's been extreme fatigue. debilitating fatigue. I came to the forums and yours was the first post I saw....you've inspired me in a big way.
"You have to reach that point where you don't even care if the pain'll go away or not" because it's so true that it will go away by itself at that point.
so good.
I hope you're still doing great.
"You have to reach that point where you don't even care if the pain'll go away or not" because it's so true that it will go away by itself at that point.
so good.
I hope you're still doing great.
lovely story, honesty, you. thank you.