I really have a hard time forgiving myself

I therapist once said that I am the best possible version of myself. There is no better version. This is an optimistic view, but equally valid is the truth that I am also the worst possible version of myself; there is no worse version.

My life is screwed up profoundly, partly because of TMS, and partly because of being weak/lost as a result of early childhood separation trauma. I have virtually no money and can't work. As a result of this, my father is still working to support me in his 70s.

I simply feel like a loser. I try to have self-compassion and forgive myself for my mistakes, but I can't. I believe deep down that stronger people are "better" than the weak, and I'm weak. I try to look on the bright side, but it's hard to. Under the best of circumstances, it will be a few years before I can really START to get my life together. I'm already north of 40. I see grueling work per week for the rest of my life, likely without retirement since I have nothing at this point. I can't feel good about myself.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Thanks.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, sounds overwhelming. The negative self talk is an inner bully in your head created at some point in your life, most likely childhood, and usually by an adult close to you. These thoughts are ruling your life and controlling you. They are in no way helping you with anything.

Try to determine who's voice it is because you weren't born with it so its not you. Then you can work on personifying the negative voices in your head and telling them off. Over time you can banish these harmful thoughts from yourself and you can replace them with supportive, loving alternatives that will empower you.

Your value as a human being is not determined by the events that have happened to you or the actions you have taken, it is the value that you give to yourself for being your true self. “I am I, I exist, and I am alive”.

 

"I think, therefore I am." .. Descartes

Part of my survival method involved telling myself I only had to make it to 40, because that is when I would die. I don't know when exactly this became a 'fact' for me, but it seemed it was always just ... there. My life would end then. After all, someone in this much pain could not possibly continue surviving, and I guess I reckoned that would about use me up by then. It wasn't so much that I would end my life (though that was certainly a possibility), but rather that I would simply cease to exist. And that sounded like bliss .. to cease existing. I felt relief whenever I thought about that. I hated myself so thoroughly, that I could barely stand to have anyone look directly at me. Oh yes, how I longed for that oblivion.

Forty came. I was prepared.
What I wasn't prepared for was to become a yoga instructor. Nor was I prepared for the concept of spinning Poi. And I certainly wasn't prepared to be still living, yet ... I was. At some point, I realized I was not, in fact, going to die. I had nothing to lose ... so I began reinventing myself. It was hard hard hard hard hard relentless and painful work. The hardest, most vital step was looking at myself in the mirror and making eye contact (that still, after 13 years, still can be hard on some days).

Just under ten years ago, we went through a five year period with a family situation and it financially crippled us. We lost most of our life savings. With what we had left, we gambled everything and left that situation and went into another. We maintain, but barely. I have learned to make a little go a long long way. It has been an extremely eye opening adventure (and at times terrifying!!) ... and I would not trade it. I have learned so much about the deceit of the media, marketing, the medical and pharmaceutical industry, the poison that is packaged as fun and exciting food ... everything.

I just turned 53. I practice Yoga, spin Poi, dabble in Belly Dancing, paint tiny dots on rocks and mats and glass, make faerie arm bands out of colored wire, make my own pain salves, lip balms, hand sanitizers, grow herbs, teach music, play piano, guitar, Native flute, make macrame bracelet and anklets ... whatever interests me. I sell my products at the local Farmers' Market.

Life, for me, began in my 40's.

Everyone has their strengths and challenges. To say you are weak will make you so. To say you are STRONG ... will make you so.

You are here on this forum, so this means you are seeking to help yourself. This is a good place to do that. Begin by giving yourself credit for being here. We are not in this for the short term ... this is a life-long commitment to changing our lives.

Society tends to measure our value in our ability to work a 40 hour week. I cannot do that. It doesn't make me weak. It means I must be creative and find other ways to manage.

We judge ourselves the most harshly ... far more harshly than anyone else will judge us.

YOU are an amazing person with a brilliant Light inside just waiting to be unveiled.
Believe that, and your Magic will begin to be illuminated.
I believe in you. I believe in every single person on this forum.
We are ALL magical.

Begin with Love. BE Love.
... always with gratitude ^_^

 

This is all a lot to take in. Thanks.