I miss my life

[Mani]

I miss my friends, I miss my job, I miss my family. I miss everything and I am left with nothing.

How can i be outcome independent when im not actually fine at all? I have so much grief. I just want to go to the park with my friends and have a laugh, like i always used to.

I'll be in the attic for christmas, all alone.

 

[Cactusflower]

@Mani
You mentioned the other day that you had no stress in your life, but in the above post, you point out so many things that are stressful.
Congratulations for digging deeper and your willingness to be vulnerable. I’m sorry for your suffering, but please keep reminding yourself it is temporary. The isolation and loneliness suck.

 

[Diana-M]

There’s so much to grieve with TMS. It’s brutal. The only thing that keeps me from sinking into total despair is to imagine my bright future. Imagine where I’m heading. Sorry you’re sad @Mani! hugs This is a hard time of year. It will pass. Praying for you.

 

[Mani]

@Mani
You mentioned the other day that you had no stress in your life, but in the above post, you point out so many things that are stressful.
Congratulations for digging deeper and your willingness to be vulnerable. I’m sorry for your suffering, but please keep reminding yourself it is temporary. The isolation and loneliness suck.

I guess youre right.

In the beginning I figured that since theyre a product of my TMS they couldnt be useful. After some consideration, writing about whats on my mind would be incredibly helpful. It's just -- I'd take being in a fucking wheelchair all day not being able to pee by myself over what im currently enduring. Sooo sick and tired... Had a pretty good afternoon all things considered, guess ill stay with that then

 

[Mani]

There’s so much to grieve with TMS. It’s brutal. The only thing that keeps me from sinking into total despair is to imagine my bright future. Imagine where I’m heading. Sorry you’re sad @Mani! hugs This is a hard time of year. It will pass. Praying for you.

Well, my dreams are the most eventful part of my days... If I only knew how long it was gonna take, I'd do everything. Its the doubt that maybe I'll never get to actually grow up that puts me off a lot. Been wanting to leave this house for a while already but ive grown so dependent on my parents. Would love nothing more than just having a family and chase my dreams. I just dont know how anyone will ever be able to rely on me when i can barely rely on myself...

 

[Mani]

Just this first SEP day 13 article sentence gives me some strength again. I want to avenge my symptoms; show everyone what im capable of. I cant let it fucking end like this. My mood is so volatile but ill treasure and write down the courageous moments

 

[Cactusflower]

I just dont know how anyone will ever be able to rely on me when i can barely rely on myself...

This is what you are learning to do as you work through the SEP. The SEP isn't the end of your journey, it teaches you the skills to keep on working through things. There are so many ways you can learn and grow as a person. It's absolutely normal as a late teen, early 20 to feel a tug between dependence and independence. It's all part of finding yourself, discovering your own true values & confronting our deep inner fears and coming out fiercely on top. There are lots of young people who never take this step - seem to be "successful" but either end up with TMS sooner or later or who find themselves an empty shell of a person. You are doing this work now, however hard it is. It's kind of like an avalanche of self-discovery, emotion, and everything else it is.
Look at how well you are doing. It's day 13 and you are sticking with it.
I know this seems like a "long" time - but I think it's also part of learning to do things in a real world way, to take the time and slow down. A lot of young(er) people have lived the life at internet speed, and that is simply not reality. It's tough when there seems to be no clear boundary between the two and that both are so meshed and yet also so separate. I have a nephew slightly older than you who has struggled with this since his teens. He faces less about TMS (he has had his bouts of physical pain, but is learning how to keep it from being chronic) and more about his emotional pain and identity, but the work he is doing is very similar. He worked through a lot of volatility. He's blossoming. There is hope.

 

[BloodMoon]

I just want to go to the park with my friends and have a laugh, like i always used to.

You will be able to go to the park etc. However, atm, you temporarily have a different life. I have suffered a myriad of disabling symptoms and have gone from being totally bedridden for a total of around 18 months, and housebound for an even longer time (years, because I came to mind/body work late) to functioning pretty normally by comparison. How did I do this? By getting back into life (as Dr Sarno said to do) as best I could, in my case through taking 'baby steps'. I've written elsewhere on these forums about how when I was bedridden I got my husband to bring me a tray from which I peeled carrots for our dinner; it was all I could manage... but from there I gradually progressed. Peeling carrots didn't directly make me able to weight-bear again (standing and walking were excruciatingly painful) but it did start the ball rolling to alter the way my 'lizard' brain behaves. I assume your parents are caring for you, preparing and cooking you meals etc... so, I would suggest asking yourself what you can start to regularly do to help them, which in turn will help you towards resuming normal life. Doing mundane things, no matter how small, all count towards your recovery and lead to being able to do enjoyable things again.

 

[Mani]

You will be able to go to the park etc. However, atm, you temporarily have a different life. I have suffered a myriad of disabling symptoms and have gone from being totally bedridden for a total of around 18 months, and housebound for an even longer time (years, because I came to mind/body work late) to functioning pretty normally by comparison. How did I do this? By getting back into life (as Dr Sarno said to do) as best I could, in my case through taking 'baby steps'. I've written elsewhere on these forums about how when I was bedridden I got my husband to bring me a tray from which I peeled carrots for our dinner; it was all I could manage... but from there I gradually progressed. Peeling carrots didn't directly make me able to weight-bear again (standing and walking were excruciatingly painful) but it did start the ball rolling to alter the way my 'lizard' brain behaves. I assume your parents are caring for you, preparing and cooking you meals etc... so, I would suggest asking yourself what you can start to regularly do to help them, which in turn will help you towards resuming normal life. Doing mundane things, no matter how small, all count towards your recovery and lead to being able to do enjoyable things again.

This is so awesome to read!

Just two weeks ago i was peeling almonds and i felt so useful. There is not a lot of things i can do yet but i love to be helping.

You know, when you are so confident that ill be able to go to the park again, it gives me confidence too. Temporary suffering is ok to me, its just the idea of never outgrowing this is so frightening to me. I have said this before but i have so much love to give and receive. I'm not meant to be alone.

The thing that improved most since last time i tried this is that i know what im journalling for. Im not journalling to relieve emotions so ill have less symptoms, im journalling because its good for me. I find myself thinking about stuff through the day and I can tell myself: "Good topic, I'll write about that tonight, dont you worry."

This afternoon I got so mad and I felt the anger but i just went upstairs, felt the anger, and i turned out ok. I was gonna write about it and maybe i will tomorrow but it didnt feel necessary. I notice that now i start feeling stress that maybe it was necessary and that not writing will be bad for my TMS. That is so me-coded, I hope that that will calm too. I need to worry less and live more.

Thanks moon, mani also means moon. Just felt like adding that. Thanks a lot. Also to all other folks, this forum has been a god-send

 

[BloodMoon]

I got so mad and I felt the anger but i just went upstairs, felt the anger, and i turned out ok. I was gonna write about i and maybe i will tomorrow but it didnt feel necessary. I notice that now i start feeling stress that maybe it was necessary and that not writing will be bad for my TMS.

You acknowledged and felt your anger - so job done, no need to journal. There will be times on your recovery journey though where you won't do or judge things perfectly, but be assured that that will not matter overall, not in the great scheme of things... recovery is not dependent on perfection. Trying to be perfect is a TMS trait, so go easy on yourself. Like you say, "worry less and live more". Be kind to yourself.

 

[feduccini]

How can i be outcome independent when im not actually fine at all?

Sorry Mani for what you've been through. You know, I find outcome independency a beautiful thing in theory, but somewhat unfair to ourselves to ask for. We're all human. We have the right to feel joy, and also the right to suffer when things are bad. I find self compassion a much better tool, specially when we manage to leave the victimization aside.

I feel for your sadness about wanting to get back to the things that bring you happiness. Unfortunately it's not just as simple as "getting back to your life". I'm sure a lot of people here relate to this issue of wanting to do something that brings joy and not being able because of TMS. I myself love music and am very sad for not being able to go to concerts I'd go to. But the harsh reality is that it is what it is, a limbic system that fears everything including what's good. It came the time to face it, the unconscious couldn't deal with it alone anymore. It tried hard to. And it takes time, a time we never know how long it will be because part of the road is to leave the urge for control behind.

Anyway, I like that you posted about something really emotional, and not about symptoms symptoms symptoms. For me this is a really good indicative you're one step ahead.

 

[Rusty Red]

@feduccini I like that perspective. Outcome independence has never rang as overly realistic to me.

 

[Mani]

Sorry Mani for what you've been through. You know, I find outcome independency a beautiful thing in theory, but somewhat unfair to ourselves to ask for. We're all human. We have the right to feel joy, and also the right to suffer when things are bad. I find self compassion a much better tool, specially when we manage to leave the victimization aside.

I feel for your sadness about wanting to get back to the things that bring you happiness. Unfortunately it's not just as simple as "getting back to your life". I'm sure a lot of people here relate to this issue of wanting to do something that brings joy and not being able because of TMS. I myself love music and am very sad for not being able to go to concerts I'd go to. But the harsh reality is that it is what it is, a limbic system that fears everything including what's good. It came the time to face it, the unconscious couldn't deal with it alone anymore. It tried hard to. And it takes time, a time we never know how long it will be because part of the road is to leave the urge for control behind.

Anyway, I like that you posted about something really emotional, and not about symptoms symptoms symptoms. For me this is a really good indicative you're one step ahead.

Theres two sides to it. Obviously full outcome independence is impossible. We have human needs and we care about our life, thats just the way it is. You can however separate yourself from the symptoms. I mean: you can acknowledge that you wouldve liked to do something which you cant because of a setback but still not freak out because of the faith you have in this theory/program that its gonna be alright. I know you didnt ask to have an argument and you were so nice but i just felt like adding this Even though im rather convinced about tms, my faith is still incredibly weak. Thats why i posted and why i love that people like you give me loving words completely free of charge. Sadly enough, I dont have a lot to lose, just have to accept that life hasnt been too fun lately.

I appreciate you mentioning that i dont talk about my symptoms that much. I guess when youre this crippled the symptoms kind of lose their meaning, they actually give my day some substance...

I'm terrible at soothing others and I'm terrible at soothing myself. I guess were kind of talking about the same thing. I feel this burning rage inside of me. The ultimate test before I can finally live my life. I know that whatever will come to pass next, I'll be mentally prepared.

I tore my acl 3 years ago, the compassion i received felt so much more real than it does now. I'm sure that says something about me and some people probably do feel bad for me but I dont know people just really seemed to feel bad for me, even though this is a million times worse. It has a lot to do with my self image, this just feels so tremendously humiliating to me. Maybe i needed this humiliation to stop caring so much about whatever other people say. Legitimately, I can take on anything after this.

I appreciate everyone coming here to chime in. I camt stress enough how much i love this forum. This forum is gonna save me one day. God bless<3

 

[feduccini]

I know you didnt ask to have an argument and you were so nice but i just felt like adding this

Oh no worries, we're all trying to figure this thing out, since the medical system failed us so badly...

I'm sure that says something about me and some people probably do feel bad for me but I dont know people just really seemed to feel bad for me, even though this is a million times worse.

Dr. David Hanscom says we should avoid talking about our pain to our family and friends, because we end up pushing them away and we lose one of the pillars of recovery, that's companionship. I'm not sure we should be this dogmatic about it, after all there's people genuinely trying to understand what's happening. But I get what he says about the danger of ourselves getting more and more lonely. Lasting pain is a humiliating thing. People root for us and we can't deliver. And you're right, there is an identity issue in the core of it all. Something really hard to reach with words. A message that you grasp sometimes crystal clear, and then slip away back to our unconscious. And in these moments we know it's not just about the symptoms or the anxiety. There's something bigger down there, maybe a fight to push away the ego and be able to truly relax and enjoy the moment.

 

[BloodMoon]

I tore my acl 3 years ago, the compassion i received felt so much more real than it does now. I'm sure that says something about me and some people probably do feel bad for me but I dont know people just really seemed to feel bad for me, even though this is a million times worse.

Most of the time it's because TMS is beyond their comprehension. They're stuck in a 'physical symptoms = something physically wrong (which needs a medical intervention)' mindset, which the vast majority of us were brought up to believe.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Oh no worries, we're all trying to figure this thing out, since the medical system failed us so badly...


Dr. David Hanscom says we should avoid talking about our pain to our family and friends, because we end up pushing them away and we lose one of the pillars of recovery, that's companionship. I'm not sure we should be this dogmatic about it, after all there's people genuinely trying to understand what's happening. But I get what he says about the danger of ourselves getting more and more lonely. Lasting pain is a humiliating thing. People root for us and we can't deliver. And you're right, there is an identity issue in the core of it all. Something really hard to reach with words. A message that you grasp sometimes crystal clear, and then slip away back to our unconscious. And in these moments we know it's not just about the symptoms or the anxiety. There's something bigger down there, maybe a fight to push away the ego and be able to truly relax and enjoy the moment.

Well said. This is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. This balance between victimhood and reality. The reality of our situations. No one wants to be around a perpetual complainer, that’s valid, but the people who care about us may appreciate our vulnerability about our reality. Vulnerability is a chance, an opportunity to strengthen a bond. Being real and honest about how we’re doing.

 

[Cactusflower]

I find especially now, in the current day social context climate we are in that folks may wish us well, but can't actually be walking with us. They often have a heavy load to bear themselves ... especially at my age where most people are either supporting their parents through end of life, or are losing parents and often dealing with health issues of their own (especially lifestyle health issues which leads to what I'm calling a "Maxi life crisis"). TMS has taught me that I need to rely on myself and only myself and that everyone else is a bonus. Sometimes we can work towards relying on each other (especially in a committed relationship of any kind) and of course we can offer support to anyone we like, but I've learned not to expect it from anyone else. If it's offered, that's nice. If it's not - it has absolutely no reflection on my self-worth, others mean no neglect, they are just dealing with their own sh*t and are sometimes simply not folks who are cut out to reach out to others in support.
I've found vulnerability with others can pay off sometimes, and other times you kinda shoot yourself in the foot with it. The main point is how you deal with that situation. You can either blame yourself, harbor anger and resentment against another or simply chalk it up to an experience that is now over. I've learned to employ the later strategy.

 

[Rabscuttle]

I find especially now, in the current day social context climate we are in that folks may wish us well, but can't actually be walking with us. They often have a heavy load to bear themselves ... especially at my age where most people are either supporting their parents through end of life, or are losing parents and often dealing with health issues of their own (especially lifestyle health issues which leads to what I'm calling a "Maxi life crisis"). TMS has taught me that I need to rely on myself and only myself and that everyone else is a bonus. Sometimes we can work towards relying on each other (especially in a committed relationship of any kind) and of course we can offer support to anyone we like, but I've learned not to expect it from anyone else. If it's offered, that's nice. If it's not - it has absolutely no reflection on my self-worth, others mean no neglect, they are just dealing with their own sh*t and are sometimes simply not folks who are cut out to reach out to others in support.
I've found vulnerability with others can pay off sometimes, and other times you kinda shoot yourself in the foot with it. The main point is how you deal with that situation. You can either blame yourself, harbor anger and resentment against another or simply chalk it up to an experience that is now over. I've learned to employ the later strategy.

I think it’s an unfortunate by product of the western way of life, hyper individualism and the emphasis on the nuclear family.

 

[feduccini]

I think it’s an unfortunate by product of the western way of life, hyper individualism and the emphasis on the nuclear family.

Yep, totally agree. I see the rise of chronic conditions as a byproduct of a culture oriented to individualization and competition. There are of course exceptions like the ones you see in the Netherlands, Denmark, Finland an others.