I love you/I hate you

I had a bit of a head slappin' realization the other day. Brace yourself for this profundity….They're called repressed emotions because they're REPRESSED!

I'm still slogging along in my healing journey. (It must be amusing watching me get up out of chair when my achilles are all locked up.) With a wedding, a house on the market and an inconsistent (or nonexistent) cash flow, I haven't been surprised at the current flare up.

One of my symptoms has been a nasty rash that comes and goes. Between that and a scar that keeps growing, I decided to journal over those symptoms. The words I came up with where: Both the scar and the rash look angry. I mean really angry. The rash feels like my skin is burning. Burning up with anger, I wrote.

Whoa.

I'm a good person. Like the characters in "Madeline", I frown at evil and smile at the good. Me, angry?

I often say I didn't realize I had a temper until I had kids.

But I'm seeing now, that temper has been there all along. Safely under lock and key.

Which brings me to a dream from last night. I was in a large room with other people. And we were all clinging to the sides of the wall to stay out of the line of fire of a sniper who was up in a guard tower. We were fine as long as we stayed imprisoned along the wall. If we ventured out, we risked getting shot. Even though we had not seen anyone getting shot.

The biggest shock of all was…my mom was the sniper. My wonderful, loving, generous, mom. My mom who would give away her last nickel and excelled at random acts of kindness.

I was well trained by mom. I credit my volunteerism to her and I love encouraging random people. Thanks, mom.

But I am also seeing the performance tendencies. And how I was kept in line with regular doses of "Shoulds" and "You should be ashamed of yourself!" There is no guilt like a Catholic mother guilt!

She was the master of the silent treatment too. And god forbid we ever discuss stuff….like my brother's nocturnal visits to my sisters. Or dad's alcoholism. Or any number of the trauma and dysfunction growing up in my home.

The I love you/hate you dance commences. And this conflict must go under deep cover because the ego is too threatened.

I'm not on a witch hunt with my mom. There's not a day goes by that I don't think of her. But I am realizing I am beginning to see that some of the seeds of my TMS where started here. (I was also one of those kids who awoke with terrible leg pain when I was very young.)

I can also see how mom's health was fueled by her conflicts. She was a loving mom with a heart for the poor AND….she was a guard in a maximum security prison. And yeah, she really was a sniper.

Good God man! Can you imagine THAT conflict?

Seeing my shadow in all this is horrifying and freeing all at the same time. And I trust unlocking its secrets will eventually have me pain free…with clear skin.

So all this to say. If your healing is stalling out - look at your most beloved relationships (including your own with yourself). Realize there are likely some deeply conflicting emotions. And that is okay.

I also realize I can be my own sniper…shooting myself down whenever the ego is threatened. I love you/I hate you.

I've rambled long enough - thank you if you're still with me!

 

I can relate to so much of this and appreciate your ability to verbalize it. I, too, am surprised at how much anger I feel in situations that it may not be called for. I just found out that not everyone gets upset with other drivers, etc. I am consider to be a good, sweet person. How much are we hurting ourselves being that? I now have decided I can show anger, but not aggression - doesn't fit with my pacifism.

I just had my first facial skin problems after I started Dr Sarno's book and began exploring my TMS. Terrible burning rash on both sides of my face. My inner child told where it came from and I wrote a letter to the my mother, tore it up and the rash slowly healed.

I recently gave my Dr Sarno and Dr Hanscom books to my oldest daughter with a little bit of trepidation. What if she finds I am the cause of her sciatica? I don't think so - I'm thinking it's the trauma of losing her husband and having her house burn down while appearing to be strong for her daughters. On the other hand, no child can be raised without some pressure being put them so we'll see where this goes. 30% childhood, 30% personality and 30% current stressors. Hmm.

"I also realize I can be my own sniper…shooting myself down whenever the ego is threatened. I love you/I hate you."
A lot to think about in just one sentence.

 

JLM, first, welcome to the forum! Always good to meet new people here.

It encourages me to hear about your skin issues. I'm going to steal your issue about writing a letter to your mom. I've written a LOT of "unsent" letters (which I usually tear up or burn or both if I need a bit more fanfare, ha) but NONE to my mom.

And yes, learning to give voice to the anger without hurting anyone (self included!) is so important.

Learning to see other's faults with compassion instead of anger takes a process. And I think that process can only begin when we learn to practice self-compassion and self love.

Geesh. What a hot mess we humans are.

Thanks for commenting! And loving thoughts to your daughter…that's a helluva hand she's been dealt.

 

North Star,

I know the feeling I used to have lots of repressed anger towards people in my family and even myself. I am at the end of reading the book "Forgive for Good" by Frederick Luskin, and it has help me a lot with the way my brain would want to react to anger. It gives you techniques to forgive yourself and others by not letting them control your emotions. It may help you especially with resentment and anger. I have another book that I'm going to read after called "Facing the Fire" by John Lee. It's about repressing anger and how to release it in a healthy way. I will let you know how it goes, hope these may help you if you decide to read them. Forgiving yourself and others is essential in healing, it just may take time to get there. You are on the right track, Best of luck.

Ryan

 

Hi North Star - I have a friend who has in the past, suffered from what I believed was TMS. I tried to talk to him about it and guess what, he wasn't at all convinced!! The next part, I think may interest you. I saw him recently, his dog had just died and of course he was terribly upset. He had a bad rash on his legs and face that was fading, but he said the week leading up to the death of his beloved dog, the rash was really raw and unsightly. Once the dog passed away, it almost cleared up completely.

 

The letter writing has been more helpful to me than journaling at this point. Dr Hanscom said to write about a past event, then tear it up. A letter directed to the individual seems to be more direct - and I do not just tear them up. Lately, I've had to beat on the paper and make it soft first - my attempt at aggression?? The letters to my ex-husband took two nights and I had to burn those.

I'm loving how much my pain has diminished and I feel confident it will continue to do so. With diagnoses of fibro, lupus, RA, OA, Crohn's Disease, etc, this had been exciting. Do you see a pattern? All except autoimmune diseases except the OA. My body attacking itself, but it doesn't have to happen anymore. BTW, I am writing this from a wheelchair. More repair on bones damaged by the RA/OA combo. I did some searching inside before the surgery and am sure that the problems were physical. Those of us with TMS are allowed to have some physical problems, IMO.

 

Ryan, I am going to get the Forgiveness book as soon as I finish this. It's come up too often these past few weeks so I suspect the powers that be are trying to get my attention. Thank you! I appreciate your encouragement. I also have Facing the Fire on my list.

Wow, Sheree. That's pretty amazing. I know a few days before my daughter's wedding, my psoriasis stepped up to a whole new level. Right FRONT and CENTER between my eye brows, my skin irrupted into a bright red, alligator skin effect. It was lovely (NOT!) and literally popped up over an hour or so.

JLM, wow. I am sorry you've had so much pain to contend with. I am so glad you have TMS knowledge because it can help on so many fronts even when there's been tissue destruction, as Dr. Schubiner talks about. Your testimony to pain reduction demonstrates this.

Like you, I've had autoimmune issues but not as severe as you've had. Food, several drug allergies, fibromyalgia, keloids and psoriasis.

May your healing journey, JLM.

 

Hi, Ryan. You're getting some wonderful support posts and I would like to add mine.

I've found forgiveness to be one of the most important techniques in TMS healing.
But sometimes I find I can forgive but not forget. That's when I have to stop my Inner Bully
and be nicer to myself. Just "let it go" is a good way to treat the problem of forgetting.

 

Great to hear about your insights, North Star. These kind of ah-ha moments are just so great when they occur, and keep us motivated to keep working at it. You have inspired me to try to work on some dream programming since your dream seemed to help you so much in gaining clarity about your repressed emotions. I seldom remember my dreams, and when I do they are usually just an incomprehensible, disjointed jumble of images--perhaps that says something about the state of my psyche

 

Thank you for the good thoughts. I forgot the food allergies - gluten, yeast, corn, sulfites, MSG - the list goes on. Those are under control so I don't think about them. A few drugs which I think have resolved, but who wants to test it? Not me. My RA was diagnosed 50 years ago, fibro 30 years, lupus 35 years. Wow, how time flies.

I need to get back to Dr Schubiner's book. I was slowed down by one of his treatment modalities , but have come to terms with how it fits with me so now I can continue. I posted about it a few weeks ago.

I wish I could remember my dreams. When I'm ready, I will try the method someone posted about here recently.

Prayers for your continued healing.
Judy

 

I really enjoyed your post because I have a lot of the same problems too.

 

"Which brings me to a dream from last night. I was in a large room with other people. And we were all clinging to the sides of the wall to stay out of the line of fire of a sniper who was up in a guard tower. We were fine as long as we stayed imprisoned along the wall. If we ventured out, we risked getting shot. Even though we had not seen anyone getting shot." This is brilliant, I see my mum in it!!

My mum the Nice Lady, the silent women that would complain about my dad and made me feel that man were bad feeding me the Powerless Abused Women role like candy!

I tried to escape, but ended up playing the abused women role!!! I can cry about it!!