I know what my rage is about…. now what

Hello everyone,

it seems strange, but I know exactly what my rage is about.

I used to have chronic pain due to endometriosis (my bladder was grown into my ovary) and after the surgery I woke up with tingling limbs. Still my legs burn a lot, tingle, and I have a feeling of pressure. I can’t wear pants without discomfort.

I’m meditating every day and I know that my rage is about. The fact that I can’t be symptom free. Before this I had chronic pelvic pain (got rid of it with pelvic floor therapy) and now this. It feels like a never ending cycle. I’m angry that I have to deal with my health all the time and my body generates pain all the time. I can never be free.

Now what? Do you have any advice how to process this?

 

When it's mind/body/TMS it's your brain generating the pain. If you believe that any of your TMS pain is structural and chronic, the pain won't go away. What is crucial to recovery from mind/body/TMS symptoms is that you believe that the pain is caused by your brain or, at least to begin with, you are willing to 'suspend' any disbelief that you might have about that, until you do actually believe it.

Sure, of course you are angry about continually suffering pain, but it's important to look to find out what else you are angry about... I see you are at the beginning of doing the SEP and I think you have only done day 1 so far, so my suggestion is to keep doing the SEP which will help you with doing that (with finding what else you are angry about) and read (and re-read) Sarno books, my personal favourites being The Mindbody Prescription and The Divided Mind.

 

Thank you very much for your response. I’m currently reading the divided mind.

The neurologist I saw diagnosed me with neuropathy even though my tests were negative. It stuck to my mind. Then I read that real neuropathy starts in feet. I got obsessed by it. Then my feet started to tingle and I knew it was my brain. I was able to stop it after 2 weeks because I told my brain this can’t be real.

I can’t apply this to my legs though. Seems counterintuitive… unfortunately in my country I can’t get the skin biopsy so all the tests haven’t been exhausted and I can’t forget it.

 

I would look into close relationships of any kind because a lot of times it generates so much rage but we could not feel it because it involves our dear kids, spouses, parents, friends, bosses, etc. etc. For example, it is like blasphemy to be mad at an innocent looking child who just makes the 1001st requests/demands in the sweetest voice, and you are totally overwhelmed already. Would you feel your rage at that moment? Probably not right away, and you would just try to be patient and responsive, until you snap, and everybody gets upset and you feel terrible that how dare you be so not nice?! Scenarios like that happen a lot to us, especially women as care takers and super responsible workers. Overtime the brains might chime in, instead of feeling the tinge of rage, you may feel pain/symptoms somewhere else in your body.

 

The rage that causes TMS is what you aren’t aware of. It’s in your subconscious. All you can do is come close to guessing through journaling and self-exploration. If you are determined that you need more testing to prove you have TMS before you start doing the work, you’ll put it off forever. And your TMS will stay. Or get worse. Almost all of us have neuropathy. It’s the new TMS (like carpel tunnel in the 90s and back aches in the 80s). Your TMS brain wants to keep you from exploring your life and your emotions. And it’s doing it with a pain distraction. We are all angry we have TMS. That’s not a surprise. And it’s not suppressed. Believe me when I say: The Only Way Out of this is to start doing The Work. It’s hard. But not as hard as having TMS. So you can see, there’s nothing to lose by believing and getting to work. Have you checked out Nicole Sachs? She tells it like it is. https://mytmsjourney.com/resources/journalspeak-by-nicole-sachs-lcsw/ (JournalSpeak by Nicole Sachs LCSW)

 

I agree with this. It's internal conflict that leads to TMS. For example, I hate my mother but I should love her. Look for all the shoulds in your thinking. They are rage inducing.

 

Thank you. I love Nichole Sachs. This is my third day of journaling.

Your comment is actually eye opening. I had no idea so many people have neuropathy. The book of Sarno barely mentions it…. So I assumed I’m an exception.

 

So, you are choosing to believe that your leg symptoms are structural in the absence of you being able to get the skin biopsy ... when you could just as equally choose to believe that your leg symptoms are mind/body/TMS. Given the circumstances, you could decide to look at the situation as there being nothing for you to actually lose by choosing to 'suspend' your disbelief that your leg symptoms are mind/body/TMS, and maybe something to gain by doing so! Wouldn't it be a great shame if those symptoms are actually mind/body/TMS and you could be suffering those symptoms unnecessarily for the long term?

What is really important to bear in mind is that the TMSing brain is liable to decide to cause symptoms in parts of the body where you are most likely to believe that they are structural (e.g. at the site of a surgery or an injury or where you are liable to believe that pain from those sites is being referred to in other parts of your body).

 

I had a pelvic surgery, used to have pain there that I got rid of. Then the legs. Actually my tingling was in my arms and face too, but that went away when I calmed down. It’s so difficult to wear pants, use blankets… The only time I can tell my obsessive and stubborn mind “it’s just TMS” is after 40 min of meditation. The last 10 minutes really come with some assurance, not long lasting though… I admire you all for being able to 100% devote to TMS, I wish my brain would let me. The words of doctors stick with me for way too long.

 

Sarno’s books were written decades ago. All still true, but more has been added to our knowledge base. Great work you are doing with journaling! The Structured Educational Program is a big help with lessons on how to journal. And/or, you might like Nicole. I have a feeling you will.

 

I like to think of it as:
Anger is what I am aware of. It’s much more physically and emotionally acceptable to feel it. Still good to practice feeling it.
Rage is the subconscious reaction that we label as unacceptable. It’s wild, often irrational, and feels uncontrollable - like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. This is what we push away and bury deep down. We also need to feel this in our physical bodies and accept it is there. Just allow it to be there instead of hiding it from ourselves.

 

Yes! I’m on day 3.

Just a thing - have you heard of people on this forum not being able to use blankets at night due to leg burning? This is one of the last question that makes me wonder so much.

 

Many of us, to include myself, weren't '100% devoted' to TMS at the start. We had to work at it. The vast majority of us had the words of doctors going around in our heads, just like you. Your brain is actually you... if you do the work you can get through to it and eventually stop it TMSing. Yes, it is hard work, but you are not powerless. Keep meditating especially because that shows a glimmer (10 minutes) of promise which is likely to increase as you keep on practising it, do the whole of the SEP, and talk to your brain like Dr Sarno advised, and tell it to shut up when it goes down the 'it's structural' rabbit hole.

 

Sounds like a good task for tomorrow. I’ve developed a lot of rage for doctors….

 

May I borrow some wordings you use to shut the brain up? When the tingling spread to my feet I said “stop it right now, I’m not buying this and what you’re doing it’s stupid”. In three weeks it worked. With the rest of the legs it hasn’t. I need something new!

 

Yes, I’ve heard of people where their clothes gave them pain. I can’t remember blankets at night, but it’s the same idea. Your brain thinks that’s a dangerous feeling now. So you have to reteach it —little by little—that it’s safe. In baby steps. Maybe 5 min at a time. At first, use only a sheet. Then, increase it to a blanket. Experiment around. Just do it a very little bit for a while. Then increase. Stay consistent.

 

Here are some suggestions to choose from (apologies if any are repeated at all):

“You are creating this pain as a distraction from my emotions, but I am safe to feel them.”

“You cannot distract me with pain anymore. I am paying attention to my emotions.”

“Brain, this pain is due to TMS, not a structural abnormality.”

“Brain, I know you are creating these symptoms to distract me from my emotions, but I am ready to feel them.”

“There is nothing physically wrong with my body; you don’t need to protect me with pain.”

“This pain exists only to distract me from uncomfortable emotions, but I am willing to face them.”

“I am not going to be concerned or intimidated by this pain.”

“I am choosing to shift my attention from pain to my emotional life.”

“I intend to be in control, not my subconscious mind.”

“I will think psychologically, not physically, about these symptoms.”

“You do not need to protect me with pain. I am safe to experience my feelings.”

“There is nothing structurally wrong with my body. This pain is not caused by injury.”

“My principal emotion is repressed anger, and I am open to recognizing it.”

“I understand that these symptoms are only a distraction from emotions.”

“Physical activity is not dangerous. I can move freely.”

“I am not going to be intimidated by pain. I am in control, not my subconscious mind.”

“Brain, I am choosing to focus on my emotional health and not the physical symptoms you are creating.”

“I will think psychologically, not physically, about these sensations.”

“Thank you for trying to protect me, but I want to face my feelings now.”

“I am not fragile. My body is strong and healthy.”

“I am returning to normal life, without restrictions.”

“I am not concerned by structural diagnoses; I know they are not the cause of my pain.”

“I am safe, so it’s okay to stop creating this pain/discomfort.”

“These symptoms serve no purpose for me anymore.”

“I am safe right now.”

“Thank you, brain, for trying to keep me safe, but I’ve got this.”

“I can handle this sensation. It will pass.”

“I am allowed to relax.”

“Nothing bad is happening. I am okay.”

“It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.”

“I can notice these symptoms without reacting to them.”

“My body is resilient and strong.”

“I am in control of my response.”

“This is just a moment. I am actually perfectly fine.”

“I am safe in this moment, and my mind can rest.”

“I am not these symptoms.”

“I am safe to move, safe to rest, safe to be.”

 

"Just a thing - have you heard of people on this forum not being able to use blankets at night due to leg burning? This is one of the last question that makes me wonder so much."

I've been here a few years, and have pretty much heard of (and have had many, many) wild symptoms.
We do not "symptom match".
At this moment it seems like if you find someone with your exact symptoms, you might be able to heal.
That leads to wanting to know EXACTLY what that person did to heal.
Then it leads to worrying and freaking out if you aren't healed in the exact same amount of time they were...

It's all anxiety.
If your symptoms are cased by repressed emotions then the manifestation of the symptom does not matter. My back pain is absolutely 100% = to your leg pain, because it's not about the physical symptom. This takes time to sink in. Don't worry too much about your doubts, it's normal to have them.
Keep working on your SEP and make sure to read a book by Dr. Sarno which is recommended on the program at day 0 before you even start doing any of the work. It's essential to gain an understanding of exactly what TMS is - and that book will explain it easily.

 

Whatever the diagnosis, doctor's words, etc., it quite frequently prevents one from deep emotional excavations, actually not too different from internet browsing, procrastination, eating, drinking, etc.

I am a firm believer of mindbody, it is one thing, one system, everything could be traced back to emotions and we are just not aware of them. Unless one is run over by a car, or shot, or some big traumatic events, nothing is purely "structural". It is just quietly accumulating before one could notice it. There is a Chinese saying : the mile long dam is gradually corroded by tiny ant nests. To me, it is like if we don't know how we actually feel for so long, our body would eventually ring the bell aka symptoms.