Day 1 I KNOW this is TMS but can't seem to gain control

[Sparrow]

I've had chronic back pain as long as I can remember, which has increased in severity in the past few years, preventing me from being as active as I want to be and making work very difficult (I work outside). I've had neck pain for the past year that has also increased in severity, also making it difficult to work. Both make it difficult to exist, to be social, get out of bed in the morning, sit, stand, focus, be peaceful, be positive, have any hope or excitement for anything in life. You know. Also have intermittent knee pain when running. Dry eyes. Shortness of breath.

I've known about TMS for years but for some reason never applied it to my own pain, used it mostly for mild maladies and mainly delved into it hoping it could help my dad. Now I'm back for my own sake.

I KNOW my back pain, neck pain and knee pain are TMS. I highly suspect the dry eyes and shortness of breath are TMS also, but having trouble fully accepting those ones. About two weeks ago for FIVE FULL DAYS I had nearly zero back pain and very mild neck pain, and my knee pain vanished for 3 weeks. That totally CONFIRMED to me that these problems are TMS, how else could they vanish and reappear so instantly? But now the pain has returned and I can't gain control again. It's like I can HEAR my brain taunting me, teasing me. Like, my back pain is on the opposite side now! It's so obviously not a true injury and I KNOW it.

I know I have a lot of fear, even though I'm constantly working on it. I'm forcing myself to move in ways that hurt, knowing I can't injure myself... but some ways I literally can't move or I'll fall from the pain. I still run and go to work, pretending nothing hurts because I know I'm not injured. I ALMOST signed up for a marathon that I've been wanting to do for SO long, but now I'm hesitant again.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Sparrow,

In my opinion you are gaining control. None of this is done perfectly. You're mindfully witnessing the pain, and doing what you can. All this goes very deep in time. Keep up the great work!

Andy B

 

[srton]

For me at least, what i KNOW and what my lizard/primative brain/id/inner child knows are two very very different things.
It is very frusterating when you can't logic yourself out of the pain (especially if you've been able to do so in the past but this time it's harder). As @Andy B said above - this all goes back very deep in time - both in our own individual history and in the history of human kind with the fight or flight resopnse and the inborn instinct to protect ourselves from the "threat" of our unacceptable feelings.

i'm with you - takng it day by day. trying to do my best. trying to learn from the journey.
all my best!!!
srton

 

[Sparrow]

Thank you for the comments.

Today my pain is unusually excruciating. Back so bad I can hardly bend and felt like I was sitting on pins and needles all day in my pelvis and hips. Shortness of breath, tight chest and throat. I am almost welcoming these feelings because I take that to mean I'm getting somewhere - my brain is trying hard to hold on to it's control. I still went to work, I talked to the brain out loud, I meditated, I tried hard (and succeeded) at being exceptionally mindful as I went about the day. No real pain relief but I'm trying to stay confident that I'm doing the right things to gain control.