I have anger issues

It's been a challenging week in my home. And then some stupid minor incident set me off on a thermal nuclear event.

The next day I joked with my friend about the ole straw that broke the camel's back. (In this case, it was my teen rolling her eyes at me, for those of you wondering.) I told her how I let little things accumulate and then I throw my hissy fit. (It's especially becoming on a woman nearing 50.)

"I have anger issues," I said. She said she did too. And then we laughed.

This morning though it occurred to me, I DO have anger issues. Serious. Deep. Anger.

I had TMS symptoms early on in my childhood but the one that really set in motion pain issue was when I saw my sister, who was dying of leukemia. My brother's schizophrenia was hugely flared. And of course, dad was drinking.

I knew I needed to be strong. I was prepared. I entered her hospital room.

"Your sister's here," mom said. I had taken a bus ride across the country to see her. There she was. My big sister. Mom had place a clumsy scarf over her head to hide her baldness. A "no blood draws" sign hung over her bed. Must they have written that in RED marker?

My sister struggled to open her eyes but it was just too much. I recognized her only because of her one crooked tooth - a family thing- I glimpsed in her grimace to open her eyes.

I was strong. I kissed her and said something stupid. The stupid stuff you say when you don't know what you say. But at least I was strong.

The following day, I returned to my job, halfway across the country. It was two days later mom called. "She's dead."

I was still strong. It fell to me to inform my other sister, who was working at the same place I was.

I'm not sure of the exact time line but it was approximately then I experienced my first attack of sciatica. It was horrendous. And devastating because I enjoyed jogging distance.

The doctor said it was no doubt do to the car accident I had had the prior September - 9 months previous(?!). I had broken vertebrae among other injuries from the accident so it was a low-hanging-fruit diagnosis for him, I'm sure.

And hence started my journey into chronic pain over 30 years ago.

Yeah, I have anger issues.

Thanks for listening!

 

You have earned the right to be angry, but at what cost? As you know the main point of my book is that "separation rage" is at the heart of TMS. Our deepest fear is being left, alone, isolated, and our most basic instinct is to be together and connected, tracordifying. IMO. Healing comes through connecting.

Anger from loss is common and the scars run deep. We never get over losing love but we learn to live around it. The better mechanism is to use those scars to help others, to come to wholeness.

Separation = Fear = Rage = Unexpressed = Anxiety = TMS

Turning 50 eh? There's another reason to be angry, but also to celebrate. I'm sure Walt would trade with you, so it's all a matter of perception. If you have a party I want an invitation.

 

Good morning, North Star and Steve.

Would I trade with you, North Star? 50 for 83? I'm not sure. I didn't know about TMS when I was 50.
If I had, I would be a different person today and would have saved myself 30 years or more of anxiety, fear, etc.

Anger comes from loss, Steve says, and I believe it. And thinking about being 50. That's definitely a milestone.
Try thinking about being 80. That's when my back pain started, and also when close friends divorced and
that triggered memories of my parents divorcing when I was about seven.

But North Star, you've had a lot of reasons to be angry from your sister's death and brother's schizophrenia.
And your teenage daughter rolling her eyes at you. But it's great that you both laughed afterward.

Go ahead and celebrate your 50th birthday with happy thoughts, as Steve suggests. You can pat yourself
on the back for all you've survived. And you have your darling puppy.

I am helping a cousin write a book about her older sister who was a schizophrenic. The sister was
hospitalized for more than 40 years and my cousin visited her regularly until the sister died two years ago.
My cousin tells what it was like for her to deal with her sister's condition all those years.
I gave her the title for the book: A Life Unlived. It will be available soon in paperback and Kindle.
I'll let you know about when, if you're interested. At least it would be a book you could relate to
and share thoughts on.

Meanwhile, find ways to be happy. You experienced separation and loss, but you're not alone now.
Embrace that.

Love and hugs,

Walt and Annie

 

Steve, I think for me the real eye opener is realizing there IS anger. In my family, you just bucked up. Had to be strong because of the "less strong" members of the family. (Mom actually wrote that in a note to me once. It was meant to be encouraging.)

And yeah, I was bewildered when I first heard Sarno talk about the rage at growing older. As a nice gracious person…it's been hard to get my mind around a reservoir of rage.

I will meet 50 head on with gratitude that I'm still here. Two of my six siblings never had the privilege of growing older. And since I've learned that chronic pain isn't part of my fate…I can look forward to it more. Before TMS, I thought…if this is what growing old feels like, put me in the ground now!

Walt…I just love you. I can imagine the pain your cousin went through with the schizophrenic sister. My other brother was also mentally ill (Bipolar though I suspect it was more schizophrenia.) Depression ran rampant through my alcoholic family too.

Through it all, I am grateful. Grateful for a mind that works well. Friends that love me. And overall…really great kids. (In spite of the 'tudes I get.)

Unpacking the mysteries of TMS is forcing me to get more honest with myself and for this…I am also grateful. Especially in part because of this loving community.

And btw…I am so grateful for that cute little furball you see in my avatar. She'd love to meet Annie, Walt.

Hugs….
NS

 

North Star, the love is mutual.
I'm meeting 84 head on with gratitude that I'm still here.
I'm more creative than I was several years ago and my mind is sharp as ever.

I just read this quote, from British actress Francesca Annis, who for a few years lived
with my current favorite actor, Ralph Fiennes:

"It's important to live in the present because in that way you won't be living in
a state of regret."

She must have or is having a very interesting life.

 

Walt, my hubby's grandma is 92 and while her body has grown quite frail, her mind and outlook on life is a daily inspiration to so many people. I want to be like her…and you…when I grow up!

 

North Star, your family sounds so much like mine. I must say that, at age 68, I would not change places with you at 50. I have learned so much since then and I would not give it back!

The big difference between my family in yours is that we all KNOW we have anger issues and feel fully justified in them. We are victims and we never forget it! We are perps, too, but we never admit that. Never. Well, once in awhile I do but that's many years in a 12 step program.

I have a friend who went to Orlando and brought me back a cap that says "I Have Issues" on the front. So true.

Life's a beach, though, lol. We looked on kijiji to buy weaner pigs one morning and ended up with 2 pregnant ewes which have now had four lambs. How cool is that?!

Thanks for sharing your issues, North Star. I agree with Steve that the big issue for all of us is separation so I feel less alone when you share your anger. ((hugs))

 

Njoy, you ARE a joy! The little lambs sound adorable. BTW - don't you think my little Daisy looks like a little lamb?

Connection….we are wired for connection.

Maybe we'll bump into each other at a family reunion, njoy.

 

North Star, Daisy does look like a little lamb. Adorable.

Your husband's grandmother would have had a good friend in my mother.
Mom was 94 when she died, but in good mental health.
She was in a nursing home and said the hardest part of that
was there was no one to play pinochle with. Everyone else was
not with it.

 

Yes, your Daisy looks a lot like a lamb, North Star. Ewsie2 loves our dogs but they have a lot of wild in them so we can't be sure their interest in her is entirely benign. The lamb is now 6 days old and getting stronger and more opinionated by the day. If she's hungry she will follow us around baa-ing and if she's full she'll sit in her box gazing adoringly at us (my husband is her favourite, though). Here she is:

 

Ewsie is adorable and I love her name.

 

I have anger issues and most of them involve frustration being on the computer. It has a mind of its own and we don't get along very well.

 

Walt, the business I have been developing is for clutter removal and organization services…something that requires MINIMAL use on the computer. So yeah…computer issues point to my reservoir of rage. LOL

Thank you for your kind words, Forest. Is that your little nephew if your avatar? What a cutie!

Njoy…love, love, LOVE the little lamb. I'm after my daughter to get some pictures of Daisy up but she's not being very cooperative. Sort of like my computer. (See first sentence. )

 

When my computer or any high tech gives me trouble I take it as another challenge to my TMS
and after doing a Donald Duck, I laugh at myself.

Making our lives as little dependent on computers is a goal worth striving for, but darned near impossible.

About twenty years ago I met a high school sophomore who knew how to create pages for newspapers
and businesses. He made some money from it and went to college. A few years ago I located his step-father
and asked if his son was still in the computer business and he said no, he switched to archaeology!
From working and living in the modern world, he chose to go back to digging into the past. Wise boy!

Hope you all have a very Happy Easter and Passover.
Annie and I are going to be with family for ham.

 

Happy Easter to you too, Walt!
Love,
NS

 

hi, north star.

sorry. my phone doesnt work well postin here.

anger is a tough one. i dont like having to deal with anger, so i feel for you.

i highly recommend the presence process by michael brown, second revision. many here have talked about how effective it is for getting to the roots of anger and other issues. its great for healing old emotional wounds that keep poping up and causing us anger or grief or fear. the process conditions a person to stay in the moment, rather than drifting to the past or present. and it shows us how to bring up old emotions that get triggere and integrate them so we dont react to them anymore. instead, they pop up and we just watch them, understanding that they are just emotions and wont kill us. eventually, not only do you not react to them, but you stop having them come up. emotions no longer control you. and you heal from the illnesses caused by the emotional charges. its life changing.

good luck, and its great to hear that you identified the anger issue. thats the first step.

brian

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, Brian. And Forest, for the related thread. Good thing I love reading.

Happy Easter to you!