I give up

[Jules]

After three attempts over the course of 4 years and this last one, working on my emotions for the last year, I give up. I feel I'm in the 5% or whatever of people who won't heal, no matter what I do. I have tried everything, from doing the SEP, journaling, meditating, excercising, thinking pyschological, getting angry at the pain and vice versa, being kind, just "doing it," ignoring it, and so forth.

I barely sleep at night, because my arms and shoulders ache all night. During the day, I just push myself and do everything, but the pain is still here. After having chronic pain of 20 years, I just can't get my brain to accept this and rewire itself. I was doing so much better late last year, thinking I had this licked, but then the pain moved to my left side: shoulder, arm, hand, ribs, and neck, and has stayed here for 4 solid months of no let-up and yet doing more TMS work than ever before. It's like the more I do, the more my brain keeps fighting me, so then I let up and just try ignoring it, but then it screams even louder.

I've been applying for jobs and have had two interviews, but no such luck on getting a job yet. Maybe my brain is ramping up the pain because I'm challenging TMS, but it's still hanging on. My therapist said she thinks I'm addicted to pain and that my brain is so conditioned, it will take years to decondition. Whatever....

I wish you all luck and in no way does this mean you should be discouraged about healing yourself, but I've gotta accept, this pain is here to stay.

 

[Huckleberry]

I can tell from both the tone and content of your post that you are pretty pissed and frustrated with your situation. Who wouldn't be though hey.

Just reading over the post and one thing does strike me. You say you have done a plethora of things to heal...all the usual routes we all try and that the more you try to ignore the pain then the more it screams out to you. It is only in the final paragraph when you mention accepting that the pain is here to stay.

I have to say that from my perspective this was a biggie for me. When I first became aware of the TMS concept it gave me hope that one day I would be cured etc. Now, whilst this hope was beneficial it was most definitely a double edged sword for me. What I found was that my mindset was always 'fixed' in that cure mindset and that the more the cure became elusive then the more the rage and frustration bubbled away. I'm a far way from being cured but I find that the application of the TMS recovery principles allow me to better handle the situation I am in. I have pretty much divorced the principles/behaviours from the cure/recovery end-game and instead just try to live better on a day to day basis.

Of course, I'm not saying that this form of acceptance is all sweetness and light but what it has done for me is to lift the constant looking into the future and envisioning how my life would be pain-free. In many ways I think that actually having a plan and blueprint for our life with our pain is sensible, pragmatic and also actually quite liberating emotionally. In wasn't really about giving up and giving in to the pain but really about accepting that I have to learn to live with it as long as it decides to hang around for.

 

[Jules]

Yeah. Before, I felt hopeful because the pain moved from place to place so I, at least, had different pains not just the same ole,' same ole'; however, now it's stuck in one place, mainly, but even when it does move, it's still pain in the same area. What's worse is that I have such a horrible time trying to sleep because every time I lay on the affected side, it burns and aches.

At least with the pain before, I could sleep fairly decently. During the day, I still just do whatever, but at night, it's there constantly. I'm exhausted and frankly, fed up.

 

[EileenS]

Jules, perhaps the best thing for you right now is to take a break. It's not really about giving up, but as Huckleberry says, surrendering to and accepting what is. Living your life the way you are right now the best way possible. Wishing you nothing but the best Jules. Peace be with you.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Jules. I agree with Eileen. Take a break. Try to just enjoy the good in each day. Live in the present moment.
If you need help on that, there are good videos on Youtube. Keep doing deep breathing... inhale through the nose to the count of 4, hold the breath for 7, exhale through the nose to the count of 8. Repeat 4 times, then breathe slowly through the nose or mouth and think restful thoughts... visualize yourself in a favorite place of peace and calm. Good luck finding a new job. Meanwhile, try spending time with a hobby that can keep you in the present moment... gardening, reading, listening to calming music, watching a funny movie or TV show.
There are also some good Youtube videos on how to be happy.
And if you are religious, have faith in God to heal you.