I feel discouraged and angry at not being okay

I’ve shared this before- How now I’ve graduated to trigger kind of pain. My right arch hurts when I stand for long, my knee hurts when going downstairs and when running, and just a little bit in the muscle of my inner thigh when walking.

I hate the pain. It’s so discouraging. I tend to prefer sitting, because then I don’t feel any pain. Then I’m fine. But immediately I stand, it starts, and I don’t know how to stop the expectation trigger cycle. I know that people say it takes time, but the fact that it takes time is discouraging. I wish it was all gone now.

And then, even the concept of physical activity is scary. Like Baseball65 said- physicophobia. It’s like, yes, i know it’s TMS, but I don’t want to feel the pain. I just want to keep knowing it’s TMS and not have to feel pain during activity. Because pain is so painful. Pain freaks me out. Pain makes me think ‘I’m not healed, I’m hurt, I better relax now’ and that doubt is painful to deal with in my mind. I’d rather not go through all that and just sit down watch a movie and forget about everything. But then when I stand up, it’s there again.

Then comes the fear that I’ll never get back to 100%. I want to come back to 100%. I’m young for goodness sake. But that fear is lurking in the corners of my mind. I did the TMS work for the first 18 days. It was exhausting. I cried a lot. It was hard to think of things I’ve been repressing. And now I just want it to be over. I want my brain to stop doing it. I want to walk with ease. I want to walk downstairs easily. I want to just be at peace.

A TMS therapist I talked to said that my feelings about my pain could be the displacement of what I actually feel. I told her I felt discouraged when I felt the pain, I felt irritated, and some kind of despair- I can’t describe it. She said to journal about that. But I don’t want to- I don’t know. I just want the pain to stop and be gone and to have no more triggered expectations of pain or whatever.

 

I feel you. It´s natural to feel this way, off course its tough as hell to start processing all those repressed things. It will take time, and you have it in you to make it through.

Take a break and enjoy yourself if needed.

 

Thanks Hedger