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Day 10 I feel a lot of resistance

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Ivanka, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Ivanka

    Ivanka Peer Supporter

    This program is no easy task. It's hard even to turn on the computer and open the wiki. I constanly leave my desk to drink, just walk around, cut my fingernails, water the flowers.... I feel itchy, irritated, the pain (and the fear of it) starts to get worse...
    I'm not going to give up though!

    There is not much change in my main symptoms: anxiety, knee and shoulder pain. But I started to notice that whenever I have to do something I don't like, I get neck/back pain, headache, stomach pain, dizziness.... These random symptoms go away immediately after the unpleasant task/situation is over.

    I'm constantly worried whether I'm journaling correctly. Today's task was to write an unsent letter about something that is currently stressing me. I opened my list, but there was no one to write to but myself. I am the one that is causing stress/worry/anxiety to myself. Not sure how to write a letter to myself without getting angry with myself and adding more stress. I have read about the inner bully, but I still don't understand how to deal with him/it.
    Any suggestions?

    I have some good news as well. I have seen a pain doctor yesterday. I had waited for this appointment for more than 6 months and have almost forgotten about it. I went without any expectations, as I have a lot of bad experiences with doctors in general.
    To my surpise she is familiar with TMS/MBS. We were talking for a long time, she actually listened to me, which is rare in my country, so finally her diagnosis was widespread chronic pain syndrome. To my understanding this is MBS. She basically said that my existing structural issues don't necessarily cause pain, and that it is psychological.
    So I finally got my self diagnosis confirmed. Yay!

    And to finish my post, I will answer today's questions to ponder:
    Who am I hiding my emotions from? EVERYBODY BASICALLY.

    I guess I was taught all feelings were somehow bad/wrong. That's just sad.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
  2. Rosebud

    Rosebud Peer Supporter

    I'm in the same boat! I can do the reading alright though, I'm actually looking forward to that, because I get presented with a nice, well-defined bit of relevant information, but I don't want to do the journalling. Don't wanna. I know that this is a sign that I need to do it.

    I just realised I'm a little kid. "OK, I'll read the book, but don't make me write the book report!"
  3. Ivanka

    Ivanka Peer Supporter

    I was just thinking how to make journalling a bit easier/comfortable and I decided to try typing instead of handwriting tomorrow.

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