I really need some help folks for what I think is TMS, deep seated health anxiety and generalised anxiety. I think this may be the place to find soothing words, but in itself it is just helping to write all this down. I’ve pondered as to whether this reassurance seeking behaviour and I think maybe it is, a little. Maybe this forum can offer some new insight. However I don’t want to go to the doctors just yet as I know this is definitely my usual reassurance seeking behaviour, which follows a lifelong pattern.
I have a long history of health anxiety; to name just a few (pretty much all of these have been investigated and turned out to be nothing) – temporal arteritis, rheumatoid arthritis, HIV (no substantiated reason), Optic Neuritis, Cancer – bowel, breast, skin, lung, ovaries, pancreas, throat, voice issues, gastro issues, shoulder pain, sciatica, dementia, immune disorder of toenails, Globus, pain under arm, white patch on back of throat, itchy, tingling sensation in boob, raised pressure in eyes (actual – found at an opticians appointment and constantly being checked so all good), brain tumour due to odd pupils (I do have odd pupils but turns out was born with this), frequent urination – ovarian cancer, thrush, cystitis, ovarian ache – fear of cancer again, breakthrough bleeding after menopause – more fear of cancer, dent on nipple – cancer fear, dent on right breast – fear of cancer, ache in breast – fear of cancer, migraines, high blood pressure (which actually turned out to be white coat syndrome), palpitations.
My background as briefly as possible – I was always an anxious child – I remember as a pre-teen being really worried about nuclear war in the 70s, rabies coming to the UK, a fear of drowning when on a cruise ship and having to be constantly reassured by my mum. She split up with my dad who I saw at weekends, when I was two so it was just her and me and various nannies, plus a new husband and a boyfriend that came and went.
Then mum was diagnosed (out of the blue for me) with incurable (although I didn’t know that at the time) skin cancer. I came home from school one day, walked upstairs as usual and found her dead on the bed. She had had a massive brain haemorrhage and died instantly apparently. I ran out of the house and hammered on the neighbour’s door and basically, never went back into that house again. All this happened on the Friday and I was back at school on the Monday. It was deemed a good idea at the time to get me back into normal patterns as soon as possible, there were only a few weeks of term left. I spent the summer being passed from various vague aunties and friends whilst they sold the house and her estate bought a small semi-detached house for me to live in with my dad. He was in his late 60’s and had suddenly had a 12 year old thrust upon him.
Didn’t see my dog or my stepdad again. My dog was rehomed and my stepdad was shot and killed by his ex-wife (I found out about this from the front page of the newspaper – I kid you not, nobody saw fit to tell me).
Anyway, there I was at this posh girls’ school, being the kid with the elderly father who was old enough to be my grandad, from a little house with our sh*tty little car in custard yellow. (Now, to me as an adult these days, money and status means absolutely nothing, but at the time it mattered to me as I felt ‘different’ enough as it was). I always had imposter syndrome being sent to that school, even before mum died. So I rebelled by smoking and messing about and lived up to being ‘different’ by basically doing the opposite of what everyone wanted from me.
Somehow I got through it and couldn’t wait to leave. By then I had already met my 20 year old husband when I was 15 and we split up 10 years later. I married again and had my son and split up with him another 10 years later. I made a habit of having meaningless affairs during both marriages and there’s sooooo much guilt attached to that. I have no idea why – just looking for something I guess. My dad died from Alzheimer’s (he was already displaying symptoms when I was living with him sadly, but we didn’t realise it at the time). My grandad died a few years later when I was in my mid-twenties, my aunty (who was my only female figure) died suddenly when I was 39. I have no sisters or brothers.
When I was 38, I met my forever husband and we’ve been together 21 years. He was, and continues to be my saviour. How he puts up with my issues I’ll never know. He’s my rock.
Never had anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. Like I say, outwardly you’d never realise there was anything wrong with me but underneath it’s a different story. I spend so much time inside my head it’s untrue. I’ve tried hypnotherapy, I meditate, I’ve tried talking about my issues, I’ve tried cognitive behaviour therapy, all with varying degrees of success, but nothing ever lasts. When I’m in a deep spin, as I am right now, on the outside, nobody would know, but inside I’m a mess. My stomach is in knots and my body is permanently in flight or fight mode. The only time I’m ok is that first 15 minutes or so when I wake up.
This year, I’ve obsessed about bowel cancer and also sciatica, lower back pain being something sinister. This all started around the time I lost a dearest friend to sudden and incurable Pancreatic cancer (she was fit as a flea – it was such a shock – the second friend I’ve lost like this in less than 2 years). I’ve been stuck in a cycle of fear and worry most of this year if I’m honest. I’m retiring in 12 days and it can’t come soon enough, I hope the change of pace will help.
My latest fear – twitches. Yes, I know, you may laugh, but my face is literally having a party right now. I’ve had an eyelid twitch for at least 18 months which has come and gone, come and gone again. However, it came back and hasn’t really gone recently. About 3 weeks ago, when I was about to go on stage (I do am dram and have recently got back into it – it is fair to say I was tired from a heavy week and terrified of making a mistake on stage), I felt a small twitch on my top lip, which got a bit more regular over the last weeks, and also the other eye joined in the fun. Mostly it’s one twitch or another, but some days it’s a combination of all three at some point or another. It will randomly stop, then start and first thing in the morning it’s ok, but of course it comes soon enough as it’s the first thing I start to think about on waking. The less sensible side of me is worried it’s motor neurone (ALS), Parkinson’s or MS. The more sensible side is that it’s mind body related, and that the symptoms are anxiety induced. If it was anything else, I think I would have had other symptoms by now, but try telling my brain that! Like I said, I don’t want to see a doctor yet because I really do think that is a way of reassurance seeking behaviour and these symptoms are likely to be replaced by something else.
………… and all the above is why I think it’s neuroplastic or TMS. I’ve read Alan Gordon’s Way Out, and John Sarno’s books, listened to podcasts, joined forums, you name it. It all makes perfect sense, my personality type and life experiences completely fit with the profile and the sensible side of me absolutely believes that this is what is causing this. My body is stuck in fight or flight mode and I can’t reverse or get out of it. I’m so done with this and I really, REALLY want to change my life, I’m fed up of not being happy because of some issue or another. I’m about to go away and can’t look forward to it. This is a ridiculous way of living, especially when there’s people out there with real, actual illnesses.
That’s it, in a nutshell. Oh and by the way, as I was typing this, I’ve noticed less twitches, but having said that, the minute I stopped, they started up again.
I’m sorry this is so long. If you are asleep by now I don’t blame you. Thanks for reading.
I have a long history of health anxiety; to name just a few (pretty much all of these have been investigated and turned out to be nothing) – temporal arteritis, rheumatoid arthritis, HIV (no substantiated reason), Optic Neuritis, Cancer – bowel, breast, skin, lung, ovaries, pancreas, throat, voice issues, gastro issues, shoulder pain, sciatica, dementia, immune disorder of toenails, Globus, pain under arm, white patch on back of throat, itchy, tingling sensation in boob, raised pressure in eyes (actual – found at an opticians appointment and constantly being checked so all good), brain tumour due to odd pupils (I do have odd pupils but turns out was born with this), frequent urination – ovarian cancer, thrush, cystitis, ovarian ache – fear of cancer again, breakthrough bleeding after menopause – more fear of cancer, dent on nipple – cancer fear, dent on right breast – fear of cancer, ache in breast – fear of cancer, migraines, high blood pressure (which actually turned out to be white coat syndrome), palpitations.
My background as briefly as possible – I was always an anxious child – I remember as a pre-teen being really worried about nuclear war in the 70s, rabies coming to the UK, a fear of drowning when on a cruise ship and having to be constantly reassured by my mum. She split up with my dad who I saw at weekends, when I was two so it was just her and me and various nannies, plus a new husband and a boyfriend that came and went.
Then mum was diagnosed (out of the blue for me) with incurable (although I didn’t know that at the time) skin cancer. I came home from school one day, walked upstairs as usual and found her dead on the bed. She had had a massive brain haemorrhage and died instantly apparently. I ran out of the house and hammered on the neighbour’s door and basically, never went back into that house again. All this happened on the Friday and I was back at school on the Monday. It was deemed a good idea at the time to get me back into normal patterns as soon as possible, there were only a few weeks of term left. I spent the summer being passed from various vague aunties and friends whilst they sold the house and her estate bought a small semi-detached house for me to live in with my dad. He was in his late 60’s and had suddenly had a 12 year old thrust upon him.
Didn’t see my dog or my stepdad again. My dog was rehomed and my stepdad was shot and killed by his ex-wife (I found out about this from the front page of the newspaper – I kid you not, nobody saw fit to tell me).
Anyway, there I was at this posh girls’ school, being the kid with the elderly father who was old enough to be my grandad, from a little house with our sh*tty little car in custard yellow. (Now, to me as an adult these days, money and status means absolutely nothing, but at the time it mattered to me as I felt ‘different’ enough as it was). I always had imposter syndrome being sent to that school, even before mum died. So I rebelled by smoking and messing about and lived up to being ‘different’ by basically doing the opposite of what everyone wanted from me.
Somehow I got through it and couldn’t wait to leave. By then I had already met my 20 year old husband when I was 15 and we split up 10 years later. I married again and had my son and split up with him another 10 years later. I made a habit of having meaningless affairs during both marriages and there’s sooooo much guilt attached to that. I have no idea why – just looking for something I guess. My dad died from Alzheimer’s (he was already displaying symptoms when I was living with him sadly, but we didn’t realise it at the time). My grandad died a few years later when I was in my mid-twenties, my aunty (who was my only female figure) died suddenly when I was 39. I have no sisters or brothers.
When I was 38, I met my forever husband and we’ve been together 21 years. He was, and continues to be my saviour. How he puts up with my issues I’ll never know. He’s my rock.
Never had anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. Like I say, outwardly you’d never realise there was anything wrong with me but underneath it’s a different story. I spend so much time inside my head it’s untrue. I’ve tried hypnotherapy, I meditate, I’ve tried talking about my issues, I’ve tried cognitive behaviour therapy, all with varying degrees of success, but nothing ever lasts. When I’m in a deep spin, as I am right now, on the outside, nobody would know, but inside I’m a mess. My stomach is in knots and my body is permanently in flight or fight mode. The only time I’m ok is that first 15 minutes or so when I wake up.
This year, I’ve obsessed about bowel cancer and also sciatica, lower back pain being something sinister. This all started around the time I lost a dearest friend to sudden and incurable Pancreatic cancer (she was fit as a flea – it was such a shock – the second friend I’ve lost like this in less than 2 years). I’ve been stuck in a cycle of fear and worry most of this year if I’m honest. I’m retiring in 12 days and it can’t come soon enough, I hope the change of pace will help.
My latest fear – twitches. Yes, I know, you may laugh, but my face is literally having a party right now. I’ve had an eyelid twitch for at least 18 months which has come and gone, come and gone again. However, it came back and hasn’t really gone recently. About 3 weeks ago, when I was about to go on stage (I do am dram and have recently got back into it – it is fair to say I was tired from a heavy week and terrified of making a mistake on stage), I felt a small twitch on my top lip, which got a bit more regular over the last weeks, and also the other eye joined in the fun. Mostly it’s one twitch or another, but some days it’s a combination of all three at some point or another. It will randomly stop, then start and first thing in the morning it’s ok, but of course it comes soon enough as it’s the first thing I start to think about on waking. The less sensible side of me is worried it’s motor neurone (ALS), Parkinson’s or MS. The more sensible side is that it’s mind body related, and that the symptoms are anxiety induced. If it was anything else, I think I would have had other symptoms by now, but try telling my brain that! Like I said, I don’t want to see a doctor yet because I really do think that is a way of reassurance seeking behaviour and these symptoms are likely to be replaced by something else.
………… and all the above is why I think it’s neuroplastic or TMS. I’ve read Alan Gordon’s Way Out, and John Sarno’s books, listened to podcasts, joined forums, you name it. It all makes perfect sense, my personality type and life experiences completely fit with the profile and the sensible side of me absolutely believes that this is what is causing this. My body is stuck in fight or flight mode and I can’t reverse or get out of it. I’m so done with this and I really, REALLY want to change my life, I’m fed up of not being happy because of some issue or another. I’m about to go away and can’t look forward to it. This is a ridiculous way of living, especially when there’s people out there with real, actual illnesses.
That’s it, in a nutshell. Oh and by the way, as I was typing this, I’ve noticed less twitches, but having said that, the minute I stopped, they started up again.
I’m sorry this is so long. If you are asleep by now I don’t blame you. Thanks for reading.
