Day 1 I am sick and tired of my back pain.

[justinH]

My name is Justin.
Who Am I?...
-38 years old living in Austin TX.
-Divorced about 2 years ago.
-Sober for about 7-8 years.
-Very much a perfectionist, although far from perfect.
-Consumed by public perception.
-Very non-confrontational.
-Want everyone to like me.
-Extremely driven to be a person of purpose and value, but not necessarily trying to move up the corporate ladder or makes tons of money.
-Full time job in Marketing, part time freelance Artist. Most days I am completely overwhelmed with "to-do lists".
-Struggle to "stop" working on most days (whether it be going to the gym, creating Art, my 9-5, cleaning the house, organizing my life, trying to have a personal life, etc etc etc)
-Have been single for a while, but very eager to meet someone. Dating has been a very difficult, discouraging. and sometimes hurtful process.
-Started having back pain probably 10-15 years ago.
-Read Sarno's book 6 years ago, and my pain went away for about a year. BUT - it came back, and it has never left. I have read the books, but it remains. ***I worry that i am not being consistent and accepting failure too soon.

At this point, every day I wake up with pain. I expect it, actually. Its the first thing I think about when I wake up.

I often hit the gym in the morning, and usually that process helps to alleviate the pain for a period of time (body heat). The remainder of my days the pain is on and off. By the time I go to sleep it is back pretty noticeably, then I wake up, and here we go again....

I know there is nothing structurally wrong with my back, otherwise I wouldn't be able to run and lift and have many moments a day where pain is non-existent. If my leg was broken, there wouldn't be moments where I could run on it and be pain free. It would be broken, period, until it was fully healed.

Although, this awareness hasn't resolved the issue. And it's just become such an unfortunate story line to so much of my life at this point.

I have had enough. I am fed up.

I am on this thread and site because I want to publicly declare my commitment to kicking the shit out of this back pain syndrome and showing it the exit door from my life. Putting myself out there (here) creates an accountability that I need to be successful.

And I will be successful.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi justinH,

Welcome to the Forum and the SEP.

You're aware of how you fit the "TMS" patterns with great detail. This is a great support for your confidence, and convincing your brain that this is the problem, rather than physical problems.

I often hit the gym in the morning, and usually that process helps to alleviate the pain for a period of time (body heat).

I hope you really understand that this is a sort of conditioned response. You're not expecting pain, and by excercising, you're sending a safety signal to the brain: "there's nothing wrong with me." Try to expand this reassurance to the rest of your day in whatever way you can, including self statements.

Although, this awareness hasn't resolved the issue. And it's just become such an unfortunate story line to so much of my life at this point.

This pattern of believing that you haven't made it yet can be seen as an old pattern of thinking, just as you suggest. Try not to "believe everything you think." Try to observe this self diminishing thought-form, familiar to you, and know you don't have to fix this either. You don't have to fix your psychology, your pain ---none of it. Your awareness will resolve the issue, as you deepen the SEP process.

I also suggest you take up some self-compassion work, which we all need!

Post questions and entries as you progress, and good luck.

Andy