Day 6 "I am at peace"...but really I’m all churned up!

[Moppy]

Today is the second time that I have journalled about a past event that I believe has contributed to my TMS. And for the second time, I chose an event that I thought was less significant than some of the others – leaving the heavier subjects to deal with at a later time when I felt more confident. However, both journalling experiences yesterday and today ended up unearthing quite staggering emotional responses each time...very unexpectedly! One of the things that I have realised through doing this program is how much the issues of rejection and abandonment underpin so much of my life even today. Even as little as a week ago, I had no idea… So I guess that understanding can only help in my healing. Anyway, at the end of the journalling exercise, although I had focused on where in my body I was feeling these really strong emotions of anger and sadness, and tried to release them, I still felt very emotionally churned up. So I did the meditation exercise as was recommended for day six – including one of suggested the mantras, “I am at peace”. It made quite a big difference but I still feel pretty emotionally wound up and have the pain and heaviness in my chest that occurred as I journalled about the memories. This is not my usual TMS pain at all (RSI in both arms, lower back pain and pain in right knee) and I would really appreciate any suggestions as to how to let it go…or should I just acknowledge that it is there?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Moppy,

How wonderful that you are finding so much potency and learning in the SEP! It can only be for the good...

The pain and heaviness in your chest sound like they may be associated with memories, and emotional content. It is natural, and I would not let it bother you, if you can just relax and not try to push it away. You might just say to yourself: "you're feeling heavy in the chest, and this is different for you." Something to give yourself a little support. It will probably come and go on its own, and when you are aware, you can be gently curious about it, but try not to let it upset you.

Focusing on just the sensation ---describing it in terms of pressure, heat, density, etc---- rather than the thinking/fears/associations/emotions that arise with it, is helpful too.

Andy B.

 

[Moppy]

Hi Andy...that all sounds very helpful especially describing it in terms of the actual sensations like heat, weight, blackness.. as I had not done that. Since I wrote that last entry this morning, the old TMS pain in my right arm has swung in with a vengeance...if nothing else, it certainly supports my belief that this RSI is most definitely a TMS condition! I feel so lucky to be on this journey, and very grateful for all the support....many thanks.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Moppy. Rejection and abandonment are common TMS symptoms, as you know from reading the subforums here. You don't say who caused those emotions but if you can possibly forgive them it will help heal you. It may not be easy, but maybe try. You don't have to confront the person(s) in person or even need to write them. Just forgive them in your heart.

 

[Moppy]

Thank you, Walt. The people about whom I feel so much angst, abandonment and rejection are my mother and my brother – and you are quite right, forgiveness is my next step. My mother died several years ago – I never really understood until now why I always felt such ambivalence towards her, and I always used to feel so guilty about not liking her very much. But in some ways, she did reject me both as a child and as an adult and I had never recognised that until I started on this TMS journey. My brother on the other hand, could never do any wrong, and when I was a child, she used to openly ask why I couldn’t be more like him. I think I have always compared myself to him (unfavourably) in a bid to prove my own worth. Mum died several years ago having succumbed to dementia – another big fear of mine! Sadly though, I find I still compare myself all the time to my brother – and of course never measure up…. I think it’s pathetic behaviour on my part given that I’m now in my 60s....But I haven't been able to break that cycle of thought! Thanks to a comment you made to me in an earlier post, I’ve realised that I do need to learn self compassion and I have found the meditation you suggested on YouTube by Michael Sealey to be really helpful. Self compassion and forgiveness are really like a soothing balm for TMS, aren't they? …. Many thanks for your support.

 

[Maribel]

I thought I really like my mum!! till I realized she wasn't there for me and I hid in my subconscious my ambivalence!

to meet her expectations of the station in life of women - unhappy marriage - Nice Lady Syndrome or be myself and choose to life fully, sexually, joyfully, with anger, tears the works!