I am Annie

I felt like crying when I read this, which I find very hard to do as for many years now I have felt emotionally drained and all cried out.

I find my children are sunshine in my life and I take great solace from the fact that I have managed to break a cycle of abuse with them that seems to have run in our family for several generations. On a related note I remember the historian Dan Carlin observing that historically in many societies it was common to treat children in a way that with our relatively recent perspective would be seen as abusive.

Thank you again for your open sharing!

 

What a beautiful experience you have had with your children Chumba, your post is an inspiration. Isn't that wonderful that you made the courageous move to cut off the chains of abuse. There have been some studies demonstrating that abuse becomes generational. I thank God that we are becoming more enlightened societies (still there is so much more to do) and setting strong boundaries to stop the perpetuation of emotional and/or physical abuse.

 

Big News!

Yesterday I was confronted by our lawn mowing dude who does the kite shop and our home. (I owe him money of course) He tracked me down at the bank and ridiculed me as I sat in my car sobbing (still) over my lack of ability to pay him. He said he wouldn't mow anymore. I said I'd make other arrangements. He said "well I don't know who will do it and not get paid."

That did it. I was so angry! I was so "stuck". Everyday when I've returned home, I see a very long lawn. I feel like "what's next? Broken down cars in the yard?" So......

I went to a neighbor and asked to borrow her lawn mower. She only had the old push kind - no engine. And I decided I would mow the lawn.

Our neighbors stopped by and their 19 year old son offered to do it when they returned from the beach. And I was warned by them that I would "hurt my back" if I did it myself.

But I did it anyway. I mowed our lawn. And I am out of my pain medication. I have some stuff that is weaker, but didn't need much.

I did it. My back did not hurt as I pushed that mower - so I did the back yard. It's deeper and tends to be more wet.

I DID IT!!!

Of course I am sore today, but a "good sore". Nothing like getting that anger out by doing something yourself.

But now I gotta rake....maybe tomorrow.

Alan - thank you. You "clicked" something in me and my life has changed since simply one week ago!

Hope to see you all in chat today - but so far I've fielded 3 phone calls since I tried to write this.

BG

 

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great news!

 

Thanks Veronica. I am rather stunned myself. But all that anger went into mowing the lawn - instead of into my head and back and feeling like an utter failure. Again.

BG

 

Yay!!!!!! Let's celebrate, what a great accomplishment!

Have a great weekend!

 

Great news, I'm so happy for you.

 

Whoa, I missed this before the chat today, THAT'S what you were talking about!

SO cool!

 

Thank you all. I'm so touched by all the support here.

BG

 

Hi Beach-Girl,

I'm listening to the Drop In Chat straight through for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I teared up and cried when you described your childhood, especially the Father's Day part just before you were TRAUMATIZED with the fact that Dad was leaving. :'( *humongous hug*

 

Bear got a lot of hugs when I was listening to you. Still listening, by the way.

 

You are so sweet Shanshu. Thank you (and Bear of course) for the hugs. I'll take all I can get. Hugs back to you as well for your fantastic progress!

BG

 

Wow BG, so much progress, I love the fact you cut the grass and worked out your anger (even while people were warning you about hurting your back), brilliant stuff!

 

BG, the other day after a 40 mile bike ride that was supposed to be a milestone in my recovery from BP and sciatica, I was faced with a broken water pump on my old 69 Ford Econoline van. After the bike ride, I wasn't just sore, but physically beat, but I just couldn't rationalize paying a mechanic $500 to change out a $25 dollar part from the auto parts store, so I did it myself and must confess it hurt like heck. However, like every challenge you overcome in the process of recovery from chronic pain, changing the water pump in a day of hard physical labor did result in another improvement. Sure, I still hurt a lot, but I have more strength in my left leg and can walk upstairs without using the hand rail - first time in 3 years. You just can't sweat the pain symptoms, the small stuff, but must look at the overall picture in your improvement and mowing your own lawn sounds like it was a real big deal for you. Congratulations!

 

BG I added a pic of Bear for you.

 

MorComm, congrats!!!

 

Yay Beach Girl Yay!!!!!!! *Bear dancing happily*

 

One thing I do notice after a hard workout, whether it's a long bike ride or changing a water pump solo, is that for a few days afterwards there is a regular muscle soreness and TMS symptoms - like sciatica and muscle weakness. This may be entirely subjective, but it seems to me that the lingering muscle soreness after exercise seems to "trigger" or enhance my TMS symtoms, which gradually subside as the muscle soreness goes away. It's like pushing myself physically enlarges the pain window, or whatever you want to call it, so that the old programmed nerve pain pathways are challenged and gradually deprogrammed. Don't know how to describe the phenomenon exactly, but the result is that each time I push beyond my old limits, I acquire more muscle strength and greater coordination. No overnight cure, but when I look back over three months I can certainly notice marked improvements. I guess there'll come a time where I'm so much better that the TMS won't keep trying to distract me with sciatic pain and cramps; those symptoms will have become irrelevant. Let's hope so! It's so slow that I can remember three years ago when it was hard to even get into the saddle on my bike and dismounting was a near run thing. Today I take both those moves for granted. You just have to celebrate improvements along the path. Moving that lawn was probably just as big a step for you, BG, as it was the first time I overcame my fear and swung my leg up onto my bike's saddle again.