Day 10 I’m hiding my emotions from my son

[Diana-M]

Structured Educational Program, Day 10

Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?

Things have been brewing with my grown son for a long time. He was the main reason that my symptoms started about seven years ago and then they got worse and worse until about four years ago, when they really exploded. I would say my son is my number one trigger. I’m not even sure of all the reasons why— I’ve been journaling up a storm, trying to figure all this out.

He is the person that I am hiding my emotions from. He does so many overt and covert things that hurt my feelings. They are so tricky that sometimes I don’t even realize until later what he did, but my body will be screaming. My body knows what’s happening. I want to lie to myself and say he’s really nice to me.

Why am I afraid to show my emotions to him and say, “ouch you’re hurting me?” First of all, it’s hard to get him to talk at all. I will be shattering the bubble of a lie that we’ve been living in. I’m afraid he’ll say, “I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”

I guess the hardest thing is I don’t understand why he hates me so much. I really don’t.

If I don’t say anything, then I don’t have to face full force that my relationship with him is confusing and nonexistent. The whole thing makes me feel like a loser mother. It makes me feel sad. Really really sad.

I guess that’s the bottom line— a ton of emotional pain will flood in. But, right now—the pain is in my body.

 

[Mtnjac]

Structured educational program day 10

Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?

it’s amazing how these lessons keep tying in with things happening to me at the current moment. today I was supposed to have my oldest son over with his two kids —my grandsons. I canceled it. this was a really hard thing to do because I don’t get to see my grandkids that often. but my son causes me a lot of stress. I decided that I was going listen to my heart for once, and do what I really wanted to do. I wanted to have a gentle good day and not have to face all that. the price was high because now I miss my grandkids, but it made me realize how much I love myself now to do this for me. I’ll have to revamp my life and figure out another way to see my grandkids.

things have been brewing with my son for a long time. He was the main reason that my symptoms started about seven years ago and then they got worse and worse until about four years ago, when they really exploded. I would say my son is my number one trigger. I’m not even sure all the reasons why— I’ve been journaling up a storm, trying to figure all this out.

he is the person that I am hiding my emotions from. he does so many overt and covert things that hurt my feelings. they are so tricky that sometimes I don’t even realize until later what he did, but my body is just screaming away. my body knows what’s happening. I want to lie to myself and say he’s really nice to me.

why am I afraid to show my emotions to him and say “ouch you’re hurting me?” first of all, he’ll deny it probably. I will be shattering the bubble of a lie that we’ve been living in. it’s possible he’ll say I don’t even want to talk to you anymore— which at this point would be fine with me.

I guess the hardest thing is I don’t understand why he hates me so much. I really don’t. I’ve had so much therapy that I could cope with him telling me anything that he doesn’t like or that he didn’t like from his childhood and I would try to correct it. for a long time I’ve thought about asking him if he wants me to come to a session with him at his therapist where he could tell me all of his feelings, and I would just listen.

I think the bottom line is that if I pretend that things are good with him, then I don’t have to feel the pain that my relationship with him is confusing and nonexistent. it makes me feel like a loser mother. it makes me feel lonely, rejected and sad. Really really sad. Heartbreakingly sad.

I guess that’s the bottom line— a ton of pain will flood in. but right now the pain is in my body.

Well, well, well. We have the same issue. As you’re aware, this was the problem for me when asked this question.

However, the person shedding the most light on my son’s behavior was my DIL, who has helped me see that I am not the only recipient of his quirky ways.

Because I operated in a vacuum, I assumed I was the target. Because he has many lifelong male friends, it never occurred to me that males didn’t talk to other males in the same manner as they interact with more accommodating females. The DIL and I found some commonality and upon further examination, I discovered even more about my assumptions.

Gradually, I began to realize that his way of being in the world is of his own choosing and not my fault, but all along, I was personalizing it. I made it about me.

With this new knowledge, I am more able to just love him and be in his company without jumping to the conclusion that he dislikes me. Or that I have created a monster, or that I must have done something wrong. These assumptions are really very egocentric and machinations of my own troubled mind. I threw the proverbial baby out with the bath water! He has many good qualities too. They were overshadowed by this other untenable stuff!

In doing this work, including psychotherapy, I’ve become open to the possibility that I am not responsible for a lot of things, including my son’s ups and downs. I am ONLY responsible for my own actions/reactions and I am consciously choosing to be with him on different terms which are pretty simple. I am here for him if he wants to engage. I don’t try to convince him of anything. I don’t share my deeper self. I am pleasant and gently affectionate, not suffocatingly needy. If asked I tell the truth. I mostly ignore his faults and respect his time. Further, by setting the pace, he’s lightened up and so have I. It is an ongoing, contagious effort that is becoming less guilt-inducing for both of us.

I get it that they rile our inner child. And, like you, I tried everything. Even like you, I considered joint therapy. Then, finally understanding that he has both his father’s genes and mine, plus he’s a masculine male, I could not continue to expect what I envisioned and hoped for in a relationship.

My old view was misinformed. And it likely informed some of his behavior towards me. My newer view is more realistic, grounded in fact, not fiction, and is working better for me.

There is tremendous guilt around being a mother. Too much blaming ourselves. In the main, they are ok, forging their own destinies as they will. We’re really now incidental to that and have to let go. It is not us they rail against, but the identical slings and arrows of life that we faced, give or take.

Try a new way. One that does not blame yourself, or him for that matter, for unmet expectations. The triggers are HUGE. And you’ll require an equally huge shift. But you’re succeeding in so many other areas of your life already, so what do you think about taking this approach? (Yes I know. It isn’t instant. It might hurt. It will take practice. It’s easier to hide or avoid.)

 

[Diana-M]

@Mtnjac ,

That’s great you are finding a peaceful place for you as you interact with your son. That’s all you can hope for in any relationship.

I like what you said about expectations. I think that’s a really big deal. When you have expectations is when you can get your feelings hurt. Over the last so many years, my expectations have dwindled down to pretty much nothing when it comes to him. We don’t talk very often or see each other often. This was initiated by him. I’m just following his lead.

I don’t know what the answer is totally for my circumstance. I’ve worked on it a lot in therapy. All I know is that I’m increasingly more uncomfortable being around him, even though I love him dearly. And I know that my symptoms flare just even thinking of talking to him.

Something isn’t right here. I think it will be best for me to somehow stop faking things. I think faking things is what’s making me sick. I definitely want to make peace for my whole family— Especially the grandkids. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness when we are together. But the truth is, there’s awkwardness. I can’t make that go away by stuffing my feelings. Somehow, I’m going to have to get my life to align with what I really feel. I think if I were living an honest life, my body wouldn’t have to talk for me.

 

[Mtnjac]

This was initiated by him. I’m just following his lead.

I am uncertain if he said or did something to cut off communications, or keep them superficially going. And clearly, I cannot know your circumstances. So we may be talking apples and oranges here.

My situation isn’t what I’d call peaceful or even comfortable. It’s a conscious work in progress.

Like you, I do not want pain or drama. So I learned ways to lessen it concerning my son. I freely admit, though, that a sharp word coming from his lips can easily set me back. I don’t hold my tongue but I regulate my response these days. I haven’t stuffed anything, but neither have I escalated it. I am no longer as invested in being understood, loved or accepted. That I love, is more important.

For the better, my focus has shifted. I don’t often dwell on the how and why or the specifics anymore. All of my speculation is just that because my son will likely never give up his details. So I accepted that and set some simple boundaries I live by.

For you, it may take clearly saying how you feel. For you, it may require either the absolution or acceptance of knowing the how and why. But we do share a bond of unimaginable love for our children. There’s no way on earth to describe it. And no other who can pierce our hearts as they can.

I know you are going to find your way through this Diana-M. You have the wisdom tree to tap inside of you, the guts that got you through the trials of young motherhood and making something of yourself and our God who never gives up on anyone, including your son.

 

[Diana-M]

Thank you, Mtnjac! I truly appreciate your tremendous support! I’m not sure if our sons are alike, we might be dealing with two different circumstances. I’ll keep exploring my situation. But I’m beginning to think that I don’t deserve to feel disrespected and disregarded by him or anyone. Whether by accident or because he’s got his own issues or whatever… I’m just sick of feeling like crap around him. I have to love myself, too, finally. I have to matter, too. That’s what I’m feeling. And I guess I’m finally thinking I’m about to pay any price for that; let the chips fall where they may. It’s going to rattle the whole family. Or maybe not? I’m starting to not care. I want my legs back. I want this adrenaline to die down. I want to stop dreading seeing my son and wondering what to expect— and there will always be that random nice gesture that I cling to and build my lies on to keep myself engaged in seeing him now and then. When it comes to him I have a whole different set of rules, made for excusing what an a-hole he is. Why can’t I just react to him like anybody else? If anybody else treated me like he does, I’d say they are rude or cruel or even awful, and I’d avoid them or get them out of my life.

 

[Mtnjac]

But I’m beginning to think that I don’t deserve to feel disrespected and disregarded by him or anyone.

Yes! Beginning to think…leads to believing. Progress!

And I guess I’m finally thinking I’m about to pay any price for that; let the chips fall where they may. It’s going to rattle the whole family

I posted this to someone else because it applies here as well:

• What is happening?
• How am I feeling?
• What do I want?
• What must I give up to get what I want?

You’ve answered these questions in your post. The last one is the most important.

and there will always be that random nice gesture that I cling to and build my lies on to keep myself engaged in seeing him now and then. When

Many years ago, I learned that seduction is an art-form under many guises. One of them has to do with crumbs. A crumb is randomly dropped and a hungry animal will rush to seize and swallow it. It doesn’t care if the crumb is rancid or even poisoned. All it knows is hunger.

Why can’t I just react to him like anybody else?

Rhetorical, yes? He’s NOT just anybody else. You carried him, birthed him, cared for him and fell forever in love with your child. You don’t have to like him, but you will always love him. The trick is extracting yourself from this lifetime of being there for him. At the moment he doesn’t seem to place the same value on your relationship. Can you settle down enough to rationally and calmly step back? Oh my, what did I just say? That will require the use of your legs!

 

[Ellen]

@Mtnjac has beautifully explained how our emotions aren't carved in stone, but can be altered by changing our thinking and understanding.