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I´m not "cured" anymore

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Sanosuke, Jun 11, 2020.

  1. Sanosuke

    Sanosuke New Member

    Hello and thanks for reading, i guess my question is what to do becouse i'm kinda overwhelmed atm with TMS symptoms and it all comes back to my childhood so i want to go over my life and hopefully get some help. (im really going to go in depth as mutch as i can so it´s abit long and probably has bad english in it)

    Age 1-2:
    My parents and i fled the balkan war when i was only 1.5 years old and moved to Sweden, stayed in a few imigration areas i only have extremly vague memories from this time mostly around the age of 2 but nothing significant i can remember.

    Age 3-6:
    We moved to our first appartmant in a village north of Gothenburg, i have mostly good memeries from this time atleast from ages 3-5 ish. The first bad memerie or feeling of panic is one day i guess at the age of 6 where my dad drives me to some kind of school i dont remember really and just opens the door and leaves me there without explaning anything i had no clue of where i was or what to do i just felt a fast sense of panic that slowly dissapeared and i went with it don´t remember anything else from that school that that exact day.

    age 7-14:
    This is where shit hit the fan so to say we moved to a new village and changed apartmants alot. By this time something happend in my parents relationship maby it started earlyer i'm not sure but were both depressed and my mom wanted to leave my dad constantly troughout these years until the eventually broke up when i was around 14.

    Troughout their breakup they were constantly arguing and more often than not in front of me, this starts to give me nightmares around the age of 6-8 and then i got "night terrors" i would explain it as you are awake but still in a nightmare like state so i was screaming walking around in complete panic they would have to pour water on me or even hit me on the cheek lightly for me to wake up.

    Around the age of 10-13 or so i started finding ways to escape i got addicted to video games, tobacco and porn and then sex in adult life.

    My parents made me choose between them on several occations, my dad used me to go to my mom to tell her to stay with my dad to keep the family togethor, they finally divorced but extremly dramatic or atleast for me it happend like this, my mom tells me that she had slept with another man and tells me that they will break up. Then some time passes and i get an angry phonecall from my dad and i rush home. My dad is extremly angry and shouts like a crazy person at me and my mom he asks me if i knew about this, i was in complete panic and did not know what to do just cried.

    Age 15-18:
    I am completely consumed by my addictions at this time i play video games every minute im not in school i skip days, i use tobacco as mutch as i can and watch porn at night when my dad was at work.
    I´m socially disabled becouse i have such a low view of myself.
    I felt extremly lonely.

    Age 19-23:
    This is probably the hardest time of my life, i start getting TMS symptomes alot of pain in the upper and lower back, wrists, RSI injuries, insomnia, bloating, hay fever and probably alot more that i can´t even remember. I can´t keep a job becouse of my addictions, pain, perfectionism and stress. I feel worthless and that everything is pointless.

    Age 24-26:
    This is where i find about TMS and with the help of success stories and normal therapy i "cured" myself in my mind, my pain was gone over night, i could manage my addictions at a healty level i stopped with the tobacco and started doing things new things like muay thai then bodybuilding and i started having goals in life.

    Age 28-29 my current age:
    I slowly started getting back TMS symptoms but did not identify them as TMS at the time. I remember at one point when i started a new job i quit becouse i had so mutch foot pain from standing all day something i didn´t have before. i started working one of my previous jobs as a truck driver but my perfectionism made me completly stressed out and the early mornings made my sleep really bad. I started gaming alot more, i started using tobacco again after 2 years off and started getting insomnia and panic attacks.

    Now to today, i have extreme insomnia i cant sleep for whole nights probably every other night i basically can only sleep when i just go out and my sleep quality is horrible this has made it very hard to perform at the gym. I am constantly anxious and attack one addiction at the time thinking quitting will solve my sleep problems but it doesn´t

    I have tried SSRI´s for 2 months but did not work and i really dont want to try them again even tho my doctor tells me to, i tried alot of sleeping medications the only thing that worked was benzodiazepine that i tried for a week and it was amazing but as soon as i quit it all came back i now see no other option than to go back to them even that they are addictive.

    I know the stuff i talk about is mostly bad stuff but i have had alot of happy moments in my life to but at the moment i don´t ever feel happy really.
     

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