Hypochondria, doubt, many symptoms

[brad_brad_brad]

Hi there.

This is my first time posting here, but I've lurked on the site and have been familiar with Sarno for years.
I'm struggling with many, many symptoms, and they all feed into my intense hypochondria/illness anxiety, which isn't something I've seen mentioned here.

The last 40 days have been some of the most stressful days of my life, for reasons unrelated to my body. I've experienced all of these symptoms during that time, and am dealing with some still today: crippling sciatica pain, stiffness. Doctor diagnosed me with sciatica, but she's unfamiliar with Sarno, so when I tell her I think my emotions might be causing the problems, she thinks I'm nuts. As soon as the sciatica went away, I developed a fever and a sore throat that was on and off for two weeks. The fever went away, then I developed a lump in my throat, or globus, which has been on and off ever since. Occasionally my throat feels dry or sore. In the last week, the lump in the throat feeling has turned into the symptoms of GERD. When I eat, I feel like the food isn't going down, and on three separate occasions I've vomited. I don't feel nauseous, I just feel like the food wants to get out of my esophagus. It's worse when I lay down. I've also felt like my legs are extremely weak the last week, especially when I walk up stairs. A persistent symptom that occasionally disappears but is mostly constant, and that I've been experiencing for six months, is hard to explain, and makes me feel nuts. I'm very aware of the sensation of my ribcage on the right side of my chest when I'm sitting or lying down. It feels like something is pressing out from inside of my body. I've heard this describes as somatosensory hyper awareness.

I was diagnosed years ago with somatic symptom disorder, which seems like just another term for TMS. I also have crippling anxiety and unrelenting OCD. I am a horrible hypochondriac and endlessly hypervigilant. In Sarno's terms, I am a classic TMS sufferer. I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, suffered childhood neglect and abuse, and am generally just tortured by my thoughts, which I can't seem to escape. I should also mention that I tapered off benzodiazepines (slowly, over 25 months) after having been prescribed for 19 years. Today I am 13 months off benzos, and I feel more anxious and agoraphobic and obsessive compulsive than ever before.

I believe wholeheartedly in Sarno's ideas, and I'm absolutely certain that my body manifests emotions and psychic anguish. I was never allowed to express myself as a child. And I don't know how as an adult. But I feel so anxious that something is seriously wrong with me, and spend my days in a constant argument with myself, where I try to remind myself of Sarno, of symptoms I once experienced and was afraid of that are now gone....but I also feel, and doctors and the world at large don't help, that eventually, something GENUINE is going to happen to my body, and maybe this is that time, etc.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, but this situation is so isolating. My wife is exhausted by it. My doctor's don't understand. You're the only people on the planet who understand.

I'm so grateful for this site, and so sorry that any of you can relate in the first place.

 

[Cactusflower]

Hey Brad.
I’m sorry for what you have and are going through.
“I also have crippling anxiety and unrelenting OCD” you also mention PTSD.
You may need medications to treat any and/or all of these. It’s OK! Personally, I think you need multidisciplinary help. A TMS expert who is also a psychologist. They could help you with an approach to help all of these parts of you that need much support. It’s amazing you’ve begun to see some connections to everything.
The PPDA association has a website with the most up to date listing of professionals, perhaps there is someone in your area who can help you or a TMS doctor who can offer referrals and support.

 

[Barkis]

I also have so called somatic symptom disorder and diagnosed with health anxiety. I am hyper aware and have, over a very long period of time, dealt with a large range of debilitating symptoms that went (incredibly) once I realised it was not physical. However, I'm now onto new symptoms which are now truly chronic.

You can recover and will do but it requires steadfast belief that you are a TMSer. Yes, us health anxiety people have a very hard time with our ocd but we can do it.

 

[Cactusflower]

"which are now truly chronic"
are they really chronic, as in forever and ever?
It's all attitude!
Dr. Sarno reminds us the symptoms are benign and temporary. That is an amazing message of safety right there.

 

[Baseball65]

lump in my throat

Oldest catalogued TMS symptom

This is the second post i have read tonight that is a list of symptoms. I have had every symptom you listed and in similar swapping orders, but when I got tired of THEM, I did something about. I immersed myself in Sarno's literature, wrote continually about the rage makers in my life and began a program of action around defying the implications of every symptom...via physical motion. It was not just 'Oh it's TMS so I'll ignore it"..
That's too much like religion.."I am believing the right things O why am I not feeling better.

"faith without works is dead" -James Jesus' Brother.

My wife is exhausted by it. My doctor's don't understand.

Yep...this is an inside job. I fact, too many appeals to others is part of the stuff I hated about myself that was crating the rage.

This is about anger. Saying "I believe this is repressed' might work for a few, but I had to get out a shovel and dig.

I was recently diagnosed with something...so to make sure that something doesn't manifest, I am back looking at all of the 'Good' relationships in my life that are wall papered over with niceness....that I can't fucking stand.

I would be astonished if your wife and doctors aren't on a similar list in your head..that you might not want to look at.

 

[brad_brad_brad]

Hey Brad.
I’m sorry for what you have and are going through.

Hi Cactusflower. Thank you for this. To be honest, I'm incredibly wary of psychiatric medication at this point in my life. My experience coming off of benzodiazepines was horrific, and I've since learned that I'm not alone in finding my anxiety much, much worse. There are similar stories related to SSRI's and other medications. And I feel like, according to Sarno anyway, medications would just serve as a further buffer between myself and my emotions. But what do I know. I've just never had a positive experience with psych meds in thirty years. I'm crazier now than ever before, and I've tried them all. Dr. Schubinger suggested some doctors via the PPDA website. Unfortunately none take my insurance, and I'm not able to pay out of pocket. The financial barriers to mental health and well being are very frustrating to me. I guess I was also just wondering if anyone had experiences my symptoms, but I'm sure you all have. The rib sensation is the most unusual and alarming one, and not something I've heard Sarno or others discuss.

 

[brad_brad_brad]

Oldest catalogued TMS symptom

This is the second post i have read tonight that is a list of symptoms.

Hey thank you for this. I've read many of your posts on here and always value your opinion.
I'm already very familiar with all of Sarno's work, Alan Gordon's work, Schubinger's etc. I've been immersed in this stuff for around five years, and I've published writing about it myself. I've just never found relief. You mentioned faith without works...that's an expression that comes up in a fellowship I'm a member of. Perhaps you are too. I'm 41 days sober today after having fallen off the wagon for 2 months in an effort to drown out my symptoms. Since then, the symptoms are much, much more. Another expression from that fellowship is "self-knowledge avails us nothing." Like you said, knowing I have TMS and being familiar with the literature hasn't helped me one bit.

I suppose part of the reason I initially posted was a curiosity about whether or not others here suffer from anxiety, OCD, hyponchondria, complex-PTSD... maybe it should be self-evident.

I've done journalling of the kind you describe without relief. I'll try more of it. I'm curious what the other things are you've done, when you describe taking action.

Thanks everyone again

 

[brad_brad_brad]

Oldest catalogued TMS symptom
I have had every symptom you listed

Did you also really have a hyperawareness of your rib cage or some bodily structure? I've never encountered anyone who has. It's the most isolating and distressing symptom and feeds most into my anxiety and illness anxiety. I'd be relieved to finally know I wasn't alone with that.

 

[Cactusflower]

What feeds most into your anxiety is your thoughts. Not the symptom but your thoughts about the symptoms.
Claire Weeks name (you’ll see a lot around here) books give explicit directions to deal with the anxiety generated by thoughts. It’s worth a read.
You also “think” there is something “wrong” with you but I believe that this is something you were taught, and is not true. People mentally others in an attempt to control what is wrong in themselves - some twisted way to prove it’s someone else who has a problem, and not themselves. So you have suffered a false belief, and it creates a horrible sense of unworthiness, shame and at the bottom of that pit, anger. RAGE! Although I’m sure you got the message that rage or any emotion was not your right to express.
I was so anxious I thought I’d end up eating my knuckles at one point. A bird chirping would make me jump! I couldn’t eat, or keep my mind on anything else.
All of that is gone.
I do get anxious but know my triggers and see the anxiety for what it is: physically unpleasant sensations and nothing more. It took me a lot to get there (although people kept explaining it). I tried 3 TMS specialists, three therapists.. but then I found the therapist and method (she was not a TMS person) for me -EMDR -that I connected with and trusted. A person who had been my exercise coach became a TMS therapist to help me (and others, of course!) and this created immense trust. I learned so many skills but these two people convinced me that there was nothing wrong with me, and had me believe it. All of my own personal stuff was all TMS smoke snd mirrors. But it isn’t for everyone. Sarno sent clients to therapists. He also suggested medications were fine when needed. It’s your choice to be on meds or not, your choice to see a therapist or not, but Sarno was fine with both, when needed.
My point is to be open to whatever you need when you need it. I found when I was shutting things down, it was all resistance (along with running into some real weirdos!) but from this forum I learned that sometimes you may need more support than at other times, and that is perfectly ok. Being resistant is one of the myriad of TMS traits that comes up, and being open and vulnerable about the possibilities that this is one of your coping mechanisms is good insight into finding your way to a better place.
Many TMS therapists do take insurance, they just have to Super Bill because they are independent and don’t have the administrative means for direct interface with insurance. That doesn’t work for everyone, but there are possibilities.

 

[Diana-M]

am generally just tortured by my thoughts, which I can't seem to escape.

Hi, @brad_brad_brad
I have a similar background to you and all the same mental and physical tortures. I’ve had years and years of therapy and tried all sorts of things, but most recently I found something that has been the most helpful thing for me mentally in my life (and I’m old ha ha!) it’s called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and I learned it out of a book. It’s very easy to learn. it’s a way of controlling your thoughts that changes how you feel drastically. I’ve had a lot of good results from it right away and I’ve only been doing it a few months. The book is called Feeling Good, by David Burns. I hope it helps you too!

 

[louaci]

Oldest catalogued TMS symptom

This is the second post i have read tonight that is a list of symptoms. I have had every symptom you listed and in similar swapping orders, but when I got tired of THEM, I did something about. I immersed myself in Sarno's literature, wrote continually about the rage makers in my life and began a program of action around defying the implications of every symptom...via physical motion. It was not just 'Oh it's TMS so I'll ignore it"..
That's too much like religion.."I am believing the right things O why am I not feeling better.

"faith without works is dead" -James Jesus' Brother.


Yep...this is an inside job. I fact, too many appeals to others is part of the stuff I hated about myself that was crating the rage.

This is about anger. Saying "I believe this is repressed' might work for a few, but I had to get out a shovel and dig.

I was recently diagnosed with something...so to make sure that something doesn't manifest, I am back looking at all of the 'Good' relationships in my life that are wall papered over with niceness....that I can't fucking stand.

I would be astonished if your wife and doctors aren't on a similar list in your head..that you might not want to look at.

Does that mean one should just live by oneself and try to do whatever one wants ?

 

[Diana-M]

One thing I would add to what @Baseball65 said— Which is all true by the way!— And that is sometimes you have chronic rage that just writing about and recognizing isn’t going to make your TMS go away. At least not for me and some other people. I have too many ongoing scenarios that I can’t change in my life that cause me rage, And also my entire past upbringing in an abusive family created habits in me mentally, that cause me rage and anguish. Lately I’ve been trying another tactic— To add to everything Sarno taught— And that is to try to have a calm life, a forgiving heart (Which also eliminates some of the rage, hopefully all of it) And learning to soothe my nervous system, Through various methods. I know a lot of people here on the forum have different perspectives, and everyone has a different way of ultimately healing. Some people get healing right away and some people take years. There’s a lot to untangle in each of our lives. The best thing to do is to try to stay calm and accepting of everything even of yourself and your symptoms. Just know that everyone who wants to heal, does— Sooner or later, if you don’t give up. You have to tackle whatever it is making you angry and also soothe your nerves. That’s the formula most people use. If you have people in your life that are destructive, and you can’t get them out (For example, a child or a spouse or even a parent), You have to learn ways to be at peace despite that.

 

[Cactusflower]

Does that mean one should just live by oneself and try to do whatever one wants ?

No!
Some people prefer that life choice, but it ain’t gonna cure your TMS. Doing the hard work is what helps. As in @Diana-M , personal journey, she came here convinced something was majorly wrong with her- that she was a broken human. She learned it after a lifetime of abuse and falling into dysfunctional patterns, years of therapy.. her mind convinced her these things made her broken. She is finding CBT to reverse those patterns.
Now CBT is not recommended for TMS in general for everyone. What works for some may not work for others. The point is, that after a year of trying and being open to various ways of doing the “work” with an open heart and mind, and a sheer will and determination to get better (without a lot of internal pressure), Diana found a way.
My way is vastly different, so I tend to discuss mindset, personality, emotions, anxiety, fear and their convergence - which we all tend to have in common here.
@Baseball65 follows s more pure Sarno approach, another person used meditation, yet others TMS coaches, some Alan Gordon’s method (I mix methods).
The real key is to just begin.
Choose a starting point, and begin to learn more and to enjoy the experience of being in charge and in power of your decisions. You can always change your mind. A great place to start is choosing one of the two free programs at this website and begin one of them. Do a little: I hr of work per day and maybe watch one success story video a few times a week eg. Dan Buglio’s Pain Free You has some good ones (one or two include OCD) and do lots of things you enjoy too. That can be hard at first, but give yourself time and patience and just try.
To find the programs go to TMSWiki. Org and scroll down the page to find the Structured Educational Program (which is closer to Sarno’s methods) or Alan Gordon’s Pain Recovery program.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

You're the only people on the planet who understand.
I'm so grateful for this site, and so sorry that any of you can relate in the first place.

I want to take a moment to say that the import of this sentiment kind of hit me in the gut, @brad_brad_brad. Not in a bad way - but because I have a tiny bit of understanding of the suffering you experience with the combination of rampant OCD and extreme childhood diversity.

I had a bit of a revelation yesterday after I responded to a really good question posed by @berlinale here: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/crps-origins.29273/#post-154803 (CRPS origins), and then read this thread that you started at about the same time And I have been thinking about it since then.

It's not an association that I immediately make, although I bring up the issue of mortality fairly often, as do others (especially those of us over a certain age). Mortality was for sure the trigger for my TMS crisis at age 60. Now, I am one of those fortunate people who experienced a positive childhood without adversity, although I was "born with anxiety" for explainable reasons. I had a lifetime of mild TMS symptoms that came and went, with a number of health professionals commenting on what they could see was somewhat high (but clearly not disabling) anxiety. I also had what I later realized were obvious signs of mild OCD in my childhood (exhibiting as perfectionism in adulthood) although I didn't consciously acknowledge that until "after Sarno". Anyway, the mild TMS turned into a major crisis of symptoms in 2011 when I turned 60, but I was lucky enough to discover Dr. Sarno before I became completely disabled with panic attacks, depression, and a bunch of other physical and neuro symptoms. I was even more fortunate to read his last book, The Divided Mind, in which one of his contributing authors mentioned aging as a source of TMS rage. Bingo! Light bulb on! I went on to learn about the "core human issues" of Existential Psychotherapy, which I have found incredibly useful as a starting point for examining our behaviors and responses to stressful situations. Mortality is the biggie, following by Isolation (or Abandonment), as well as Meaning and Freedom.

So here are my thoughts. I don't bring any professional credentials to this discussion (I don't think that my certification as a public accountant is relevant) but I have thirteen years of observations here, and years of accessing a lot of different resources.

Our fear of mortality is built into us for obvious reasons. Without the fear of death, we would never survive long enough to breed and keep the species going. Every organic entity has evolved some kind of survival mechanism. Humans have been additionally "gifted" (or cursed, take your pick) with the knowledge of our existence and our eventual death. We are pretty sure that small children are generally not conscious of this concept - however they still have that survival instinct built in to start with.

We know a lot about the enormous damage inflicted by adverse childhood experiences, particularly thanks to the important ACEs research studies. Children instinctively protect themselves from the threat of harm and potential non-survival by repressing their normal responses to emotional distress, and figuring out how to to be acceptable and worthy of receiving their basic needs without being harmed. In adverse circumstances their emotional responses are locked down, and their brains create all kinds of coping mechanisms, with OCD being one of them. Thus, OCD behaviors represent safety to the emotionally locked-down brain. OCD and anxiety go hand-in-hand, but OCD is also an addictive behavior. In my (admittedly) non-professional view, this makes it difficult to overcome unless it is treated like an addiction, alongside significant treatment for the anxiety.

What does this have to do with Mortality? I think it's a place to start investigating. Go back to the survival behaviors of the small child living in adversity, who is completely helpless within an environment which is threatening to their survival for some reason. Always remember that our primitive brains always interpret ANY stress response as if it is literally a wild animal about to eat us, because it has not evolved to properly interpret the modern era, which only started around five thousand years ago at the most. The child is instinctively afraid of being harmed. In the primitive world, that meant danger from the outside. In the modern world, if the threat of harm or death comes from the caregivers, How is the child supposed to respond? They respond with repression, distraction, and addictive behaviors to try to bring safety to their world. (see this link and take the ACEs quiz)

Health anxiety and OCD behaviors in the adult are also ultimately, although unconsciously, focused on our innate fear of death - sometimes to a pathologically disabling degree. The path to freedom requires facing the fear as part of who you are whether you want it or not, accepting the fear as normal, and finally, eventually, forgiving yourself for being afraid.

This path from fear to self-forgiveness is similar to the one in the brilliant anxiety resource of Claire Weekes, in Hope & Help For Your Nerves (which was already recommended to you above). Face it, Accept it, Float through it, and Let Time Pass.

 

[Baseball65]

Does that mean one should just live by oneself and try to do whatever one wants ?

No. I already do live that way and I have attempted incursions still. I have beaten TMS living with abusive GF's and I have been stuck w/TMS living alone....
The Key piece is doing the work. It takes concerted effort on our part. Raising awareness. Catching ourselves napping.

There are many situations I cannot just get out of....but I don't get TMS, as long as I am honest and tell myself I would get out of them if I had a choice. That I don't like them. That I am still selfish and a 5 year old inside.

 

[Baseball65]

"anxiety, OCD, hyponchondria, complex-PTSD"

Those are all the same thing. That is why my interest in studying the nature of dysfunction and mental problems has waned considerably. Those are all manifestations of that same thing. I think PTSD was the one that really made me give up on the system. I have watched friends die right in front of me. I have had the snot beaten out of me regularly. I have had terrible things happen to me, but I do NOT have PTSD. I have not fought in any wars. I have not been barraged under shelling for days on end with no respite.
A diagnosis was made and then appropriated by the for profit Psych industry so they could charge me money and give me a 'reason'.

I suffer from 'Humanism'....we all have these same problems to one degree or another. Once I learn that TMS and drinking bourbon have their roots in the same dysfunction I don't have to keep renaming it. I get scared. I get angry. I get sad. Those are plenty enough for one lifetime.
More important is WHY?

when I investigate it that way, which takes time and effort, all of the acronyms go away.