Dear Ihatethepain,
The working theory and practice of this site is that No, you didn't ruin your body with x, y, or z activity.
Still, there is pain. That is real.
do you think joint pain Is psychological? Everybody told me so but only because nothing Is possible to solve the problem.
It is fortunate that in Italy you're getting this view. This is supportive for the TMS approach. Your pain is likely not based on tissue damage, if it has become chronic.
I am sorry for your pain, and also for your self-hate, that you did this to yourself. And maybe there is also self-hate that it is psychological. This is true for others too. We tend to blame ourselves for any suffering we have. Why? Because as children it was safer to learn to blame ourselves than our all-powerful parents.
It is important to see your self-rejection in your experience of wanting to end it all. Hating yourself can be witnessed, and disengaged from, and with a little space with this experience, you're left with the just pain to work with, but that is easier than the pain combined with the self-hate.
So my first hope for you is to dismiss these thoughts that you did something terrible to yourself and that you are to blame. Everyone does all kinds of things all our lives. And we have experiences. Some are beautiful, some are painful. So be it.
As far as somatic tracking when you're in a lot of pain, this is not recommended. Try just learning to bring your attention to parts of you which are not in pain. Then you learn the technique in a safe way. This is still helpful because you're learning to witness. And you're learning to stay in contact with you, and with your body sensations.
My hope is that you learn mindfulness. This is through a daily practice, about 20 minutes of following your breath, or other means. This begins to give you space inside. Space from your thoughts, and space from your sensations.
If you feel suicidal, this forum is not going to do much for you. You need to find counseling, psychotherapy. Use this along with our free program the Structured Education Program at the Wiki. You're young and you probably have a beautiful life ahead of you!! Stay in life, and keep learning and loving.
Ask questions. Read success stories at this Forum, every day. Most stories will not be exactly "you," but look at the miracles of healing and know that you're ready for this. Read Dr. Sarno's work.
Welcome to this Forum and keep us posted. There is a huge amount of hope for your situation, believe me. I used a wheelchair and crutches for years, and got better.
Andy
