How to overcome guilt and shame

Hi y'all!

I would need advice on how to overcome my feelings of guilt and shame.

For years, I prided myself for having beautiful silky smooth long hair. I got complimented often for my hair until last Thanksgiving. I had the horrific idea of going to my neighborhood hairdresser for a trim and some layers. I had had a bad experience there already but I thought that if I go with a different stylist, I would be safe. What a mistake, she accidentally chop half my hair. So now I have hair falling a little below my shoulders. I felt as if I have lost my identity! To make matters worse, I went to another salon to get a color correction after failing at fixing them on my own and the girl messed them up too! My hair is now damaged although I spent $700 on getting them fixed. I feel guilty over this whole mess and the fortune I had to shave off since I'm usually pretty cheap. I have had 4 or 5 bad hair experiences throughout my life with terrible hairdressers like hair breaking from chemical damage (perm) or bad haircuts so I rarely go to salons. After being incapacitated by multiple Tms symptoms in Sept and October, I neglected my hair. My hair were super tangled from being bedridden and too long for me to manage , they were indeed falling below my waist so I needed help but I never thought such tragedies could occur. On top of that, I am having to deal with more white hair from aging and stress and it makes me furious! Deep inside I feel guilty and ashamed and as a result, my symptoms get worse. I did make progress in terms of being in pain since September when I was bedridden due to fibromyalgia as stated by my pain management doctor but my sharp pain manifests itself every other day for about a month and a half. All my MRI s are normal so I know it's not structural although sometimes I blame myself for doing an exercise which had triggered my debilitating back and hip pain on top of the neck and shoulder pain I already had at that time.

I know that the lingering pain I have today comes from my stressing over my hair and my low self esteem mostly. The low self esteem is rooted in my childhood since I was abused physically and morally by my stepdad for 10 years. I was also sexually abused by another man. I have no self confidence and I often rely on validation from others to make me either happy or sad.

I feel like locking myself home until my hair grows back but I need to get out for the sake of my 8 year old boy. I am afraid though of what people will say when they will see me again. I used covid as an excuse to stay home but I'm driving myself nuts. I need to get back to the gym and resume weight training, which I enjoy but not only am I ashamed of my image but also Afraid of hurting myself. In july, I did a deadlift PR and I lifted almost twice my weight, which was my goal. I had to stop due to a series of injuries, not caused by deadlifting like many people think, and I've lost strength and muscles but it feel like starting all over again for fun but also so that I can eat whatever I want since I'm a foodie who wants to look fit and toned.

I try to comfort my subconscious, not judging my thoughts etc. but Im still suffering physically and mentally.

I welcome any advice and encouragement!

 

Let your hair grow out, and focus on living your life and healing trauma