How to express rage

[Stracksstory]

I just had an experience yesterday with some colleagues at my work that made me quite literally internally enraged.

I’m trying to understand how to process this in a fashion recommended for those of us with TMS.

I have expressed my rage to a friend and my wife. I have journal about it. Is that how I should deal with these things?

Admittedly, while I’m glad I did those things, I can’t say that they have calmed me down. The good news is that I did recognize physical TMS reactions yesterday, and noticed annd identified them as TMS instead of being fearful of structural issues. They have largely gone away, so I suppose that is a victory.

On an emotional level, I just feel like journaling makes me more upset because I’m dwelling on the thing that’s bothering me.

 

[BloodMoon]

The good news is that I did recognize physical TMS reactions yesterday, and noticed and identified them as TMS instead of being fearful of structural issues. They have largely gone away, so I suppose that is a victory.

Great work and most definitely a victory!

I have expressed my rage to a friend and my wife. I have journaled about it. Is that how I should deal with these things?

Admittedly, while I’m glad I did those things, I can’t say that they have calmed me down. On an emotional level, I just feel like journaling makes me more upset because I’m dwelling on the thing that’s bothering me.

I've found writing unsent letters to offending parties and then afterwards ripping them up (or otherwise disposing of them) helps me personally more than journaling did when people upset me. You could give that a try.

For me, that fits better with what Sarno seemed to mean — recognising the anger/rage rather than endlessly analysing or “solving” it. Acknowledging it consciously seems important, but personally I’ve not found repeatedly mentally replaying things to be helpful (nor, for that matter, repeatedly writing about them to be helpful either).

I’m also increasingly taking a combination of Taoist and Buddhist approaches to the injustices of people and life...

I feel the emotion fully.

Thankfully, feeling the emotion doesn’t mean endlessly feeding the story in your head. It means honestly acknowledging: “Yes, I’m angry/hurt/upset” (like you're doing) and noticing how that emotion is showing up physically — tight jaw, clenched stomach, tense shoulders, adrenaline, etc — without suppressing it or continually mentally replaying the grievance.

Then decide whether there is actually anything practical you can do about the situation (set a boundary with someone or whatever). If there is, do it. If there isn’t, continuing to internally rehearse the grievance just seems to create what Buddhism calls the “second arrow” — the additional suffering we create through resistance, rumination, and mental replaying.

A very Taoist practice here is almost embarrassingly simple: when the anger resurfaces, don’t “restart the courtroom speech”, as it were.

I just notice and say to myself:

“Still angry.”

Then I continue with life:
make tea,
answer emails,
go outside,
wash dishes,
walk,
breathe,
sleep.

Not as avoidance — not suppressing it — but also not making the anger the centre of my attention for all or a lot of the day.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

The good news is that I did recognize physical TMS reactions yesterday, and noticed annd identified them as TMS instead of being fearful of structural issues. They have largely gone away, so I suppose that is a victory.

That's massive and perfect

As long as you're not judging yourself for the anger I think that's the most important thing. Acceptance of it. It could be that you're genuinely ready to let it go, there's no need to dwell on it if you're ready to move past it.

If I commented any more it would probably be going towards a spiritual level - whether that's necessary for TMS purposes is another conversation (@BloodMoon covered it well!) - probably not and I think what I said before covers it TMS wise

 

[feduccini]

Is that how I should deal with these things?

Yeah there's this threshold between healthy processing anger, and getting into the angry rumination, and it's hard to tell which is which. It takes practice, and even so, it might get hard sometimes (mostly because pain is frustrating by itself and adds to the mix).

I like, when it's time to lie down, to pay attention to the energy the anger generates, and not to the thoughts themselves. Usually my face has a reaction before I notice the anger, with my nostrils wrinkling (like a dog showing its teeth) and I let it be until it goes back. Then seconds later it happens again, and again and again, until I it stops.

 

[Rubynea]

I just had an experience yesterday with some colleagues at my work that made me quite literally internally enraged.

I’m trying to understand how to process this in a fashion recommended for those of us with TMS.

I have expressed my rage to a friend and my wife. I have journal about it. Is that how I should deal with these things?

Admittedly, while I’m glad I did those things, I can’t say that they have calmed me down. The good news is that I did recognize physical TMS reactions yesterday, and noticed annd identified them as TMS instead of being fearful of structural issues. They have largely gone away, so I suppose that is a victory.

On an emotional level, I just feel like journaling makes me more upset because I’m dwelling on the thing that’s bothering me.

Your insight into recognizing TMS structures is very valuable. Thank you for sharing.

Expressing anger in front of others puts me in a very vulnerable state. On the one hand, I struggle with intense emotions and physical reactions, and the people in front of me rarely show me understanding; instead, they tend to judge me for not being able to control myself. Very rarely do they say, “Thank you for showing us your boundaries.” I try to avoid expressing anger in an unprotected space. The only places where I want to freely express anger (after giving advance notice) are in front of my husband and in my women’s group. Then a powerful energy surge flows through my body, which can feel intense but also often liberating.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Yup, the Unsent Letter is a powerful outlet. I forget which Day of the SEP introduces it, but it's a technique that's been around a long long time (we had a foster teen back in the 90s,who would write them to her alcoholic mother and she loved it, because she could use all the foul language she wanted to. It helped.)

It's a chance to express thoughts and words and feeling and desires that no "normal" person would ever act on in a million lifetimes. You let 'er rip, then you rip it up. It doesnt matter who you're writing too, either - age, relationship, or plane of existence.

 

[BloodMoon]

I forget which Day of the SEP introduces it, but it's a technique that's been around a long long time (we had a foster teen back in the 90s,who would write them to her alcoholic mother and she loved it, because she could use all the foul language she wanted to. It helped.)

Day 13 https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Educational_Program_Day_13 and I so agree - it's so good to be able to let rip without any consequences other than positive ones for yourself.

 

[Stracksstory]

Thank you everyone for your insights. They have been very helpful. I really appreciate the time you’ve all taken to share your thoughts. This wiki is quite an amazing place!

One roadblock I run into is that while journaling, or expressing anger, or even using the unsent letter process, which I have done, is it it brings me face-to-face with situations where I wish I had the power to change things, but I don’t, or haven’t.

Many of these relate to situations where I’m dealing with stronger willed, stronger personality- people. Being a thinker, people pleaser, more level soul, I don’t feel the skill nor the worth of engaging in standing up for myself.

yes, I can grow in that area and I have in small ways, but by expressing my frustration in an exercise it just can easily turn into anger at myself for how I wish I could be tough like the people who intimidate me. So, instead of it feeling like a release to express my anger, it becomes another exercise in reminding me where I am deficient.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

more level soul,

Is this not a strength in and of itself? Most of what you're saying is painting this in the negative.

I don’t feel the skill nor the worth of engaging in standing up for myself.

Whilst there is wisdom in letting things go at times, sometimes you do need to stand up for yourself. If you don't when you really want to or when it's necessary, you'll often pay for it through the body in the form of TMS.

I wish I could be tough like the people who intimidate me.

Intimidating people isn't tough, it's often a reflection of weakness and insecurity. Back yourself and your boundaries!

 

[BloodMoon]

by expressing my frustration in an exercise it just can easily turn into anger at myself for how I wish I could be tough like the people who intimidate me. So, instead of it feeling like a release to express my anger, it becomes another exercise in reminding me where I am deficient.

I’m not sure this is really “deficiency” to be honest—more a different way of being that’s getting measured against people who are more forceful.

Taoism has a line: “Nothing in the world is as soft and yielding as water, yet nothing can surpass it in overcoming the hard.” So it may not be about becoming tougher like them, but trusting that a quieter, steadier way can still be strong.

It sounds like the tricky bit is what happens afterwards, especially when you journal. Instead of the anger going somewhere, it turns back on you—into “why can’t I be different?” And then it stops being a release and just becomes another way of having a go at yourself.

A few small things that might help:

• When you journal, separate what they did from what it makes you think about yourself. If it starts slipping into self-judgement, that’s probably the point to stop.
  
  
• Keep things simple in the moment—a straightforward “no” or “I’m not up for that,” without over-explaining it.
  
  
• Expect it to feel uncomfortable when you don’t people-please. That feeling doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong—it’s just unfamiliar.
  
  
• Afterwards, maybe just ask “was I a bit clearer than usual?” rather than comparing yourself to them.

There’s another Taoist line: “He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.” Trying to act like a more forceful personality can actually make you feel less grounded, not more.

Small shifts towards a gentler way of showing your kind of strength tend to hold better. Over time, those small actions—plus putting up with that bit of discomfort—start to settle into a way of being and acting that feels more like the real you.

 

[Ellen]

Great work and most definitely a victory!

I've found writing unsent letters to offending parties and then afterwards ripping them up (or otherwise disposing of them) helps me personally more than journaling did when people upset me. You could give that a try.

For me, that fits better with what Sarno seemed to mean — recognising the anger/rage rather than endlessly analysing or “solving” it. Acknowledging it consciously seems important, but personally I’ve not found repeatedly mentally replaying things to be helpful (nor, for that matter, repeatedly writing about them to be helpful either).

I’m also increasingly taking a combination of Taoist and Buddhist approaches to the injustices of people and life...

I feel the emotion fully.

Thankfully, feeling the emotion doesn’t mean endlessly feeding the story in your head. It means honestly acknowledging: “Yes, I’m angry/hurt/upset” (like you're doing) and noticing how that emotion is showing up physically — tight jaw, clenched stomach, tense shoulders, adrenaline, etc — without suppressing it or continually mentally replaying the grievance.

Then decide whether there is actually anything practical you can do about the situation (set a boundary with someone or whatever). If there is, do it. If there isn’t, continuing to internally rehearse the grievance just seems to create what Buddhism calls the “second arrow” — the additional suffering we create through resistance, rumination, and mental replaying.

A very Taoist practice here is almost embarrassingly simple: when the anger resurfaces, don’t “restart the courtroom speech”, as it were.

I just notice and say to myself:

“Still angry.”

Then I continue with life:
make tea,
answer emails,
go outside,
wash dishes,
walk,
breathe,
sleep.

Not as avoidance — not suppressing it — but also not making the anger the centre of my attention for all or a lot of the day.

Great post!

 

[Ellen]

The spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, says we have 3 options when faced with a situation/relationship we don't like:

1) Change it
2) Leave it, or
3) Accept it

Often all we can do is 3) accept it. This is difficult, but holds the most potential for self growth.

 

[Ellen]

yes, I can grow in that area and I have in small ways, but by expressing my frustration in an exercise it just can easily turn into anger at myself for how I wish I could be tough like the people who intimidate me. So, instead of it feeling like a release to express my anger, it becomes another exercise in reminding me where I am deficient.

I think it would be helpful to take some time (not too much) to dig deeper into the source of the anger and frustration. Are there origins in your childhood experience? If so, connect to the child you were and express those feelings and frustrations as a child. This was very helpful for me. I could then look at it as my adult self with more experience and wisdom and forgive my parents, siblings, and myself.

But don't dwell too much or too long on the past. Just take what you can learn from it, and then move on.

 

[Stracksstory]

Thank you Ellen,
I know the whole circumstance is completely based on my childhood. My father is a strong willed individual who likes to express his strong opinions, and it is worthless to argue back because you will never win. Growing up, I just learned to shut down. I had 1 mile marker moment when I finally blew up at my dad when I was in my early 20s. While I’m glad I did it, it took a bunch of intense emotion to pull it off.

I relive that repeated experience of feeling like it’s not worth it to argue with nearly every strong willed, opinionated person who turns their target toward me. And then it is purely an outburst of emotion when I actually react to them, which is rare. But even when I do it, I feel silly because all I can do is express emotionally, when I wish I was able to simply dialogue rationally (the very thing I wish they would do).

 

[BloodMoon]

@Stracksstory
When someone is forceful, emotionally charged, or more focused on overpowering than understanding, it’s really a case that no one would be able to have a productive rational dialogue with them, and most people would probably end up reacting emotionally if they tried.

So it’s more about finding different ways to respond upfront in all of your dealings with them — like setting boundaries, disengaging, refusing to match their intensity, redirecting the conversation, or simply deciding not to participate in a dynamic that isn’t constructive. Saying no or walking away, for instance, can often be more effective because actions speak louder than words, and they don’t have control over whether you take those kinds of actions.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Saying no or walking away, for instance, can often be more effective

Saying NO is effective and powerful and also essential for loving yourself, @Stracksstory. And don't forget this essential advice for saying NO:

Keep things simple in the moment—a straightforward “no” or “I’m not up for that,” without over-explaining it.

(or without explaining anything!)

 

[Stracksstory]

I’m not sure this is really “deficiency” to be honest—more a different way of being that’s getting measured against people who are more forceful.

You are so right. I can really berate myself for my gentler approach. I know it has value, but I get wrongly down on myself about it when I feel so controlled by others. It just makes me feel weak.

So it may not be about becoming tougher like them, but trusting that a quieter, steadier way can still be strong.

Yes, it's true. I even know it's true but need to not buy into the messaging my mind feeds me otherwise.

It sounds like the tricky bit is what happens afterwards, especially when you journal. Instead of the anger going somewhere, it turns back on you—into “why can’t I be different?” And then it stops being a release and just becomes another way of having a go at yourself.

So right on.

Small shifts towards a gentler way of showing your kind of strength tend to hold better. Over time, those small actions—plus putting up with that bit of discomfort—start to settle into a way of being and acting that feels more like the real you.

I think this is my action point. When I am pushed enough (which takes a lot), I try to 'bark' back, which is ineffective because I can't keep it up, and to be honest, it's not, as you said, "the real me." I first of all need to accept that this is a good thing. I would like to respond more "me"-style. It's gets tough to do this because as my insides get intense and emotional, working to respond calmly is difficult, but that's worth doing anyway.

One way I've tried to do this is to write a response to the person later. I am so much better at expressing myself that way and tempering it with the right amount of consideration. It has come back to bite me though a few times because it seems that no matter how nicely I write something, it seems to hack some people off being able to read and re-read my words. As I'm writing this, I realize this really only occurred once or twice over the course of my 30 year career, but the experience has been seared in me such that I'm afraid to do it now.

Keep things simple in the moment—a straightforward “no” or “I’m not up for that,” without over-explaining it.

I like that.

Your suggestions about journaling-separating what they did vs. what I think about myself are really valuable.

 

[Stracksstory]

Yeah there's this threshold between healthy processing anger, and getting into the angry rumination, and it's hard to tell which is which. It takes practice, and even so, it might get hard sometimes (mostly because pain is frustrating by itself and adds to the mix).

I like, when it's time to lie down, to pay attention to the energy the anger generates, and not to the thoughts themselves. Usually my face has a reaction before I notice the anger, with my nostrils wrinkling (like a dog showing its teeth) and I let it be until it goes back. Then seconds later it happens again, and again and again, until I it stops.

Yes, that threshold is tough for me. I feel like journaling feels more like angry rumination and I leave it with a negative feeling. Honestly, I feel very in touch with my thoughts and feelings generally and journaling feels like going over it all again, almost like rehearsing an old troublesome conversation again.

I need to find a way to process the anger that doesn't just fume me again. I'm not sure I fully understand "paying attention to the energy the anger generates vs. the thoughts" but I'm interested. I'd love to hear more.

 

[Cactusflower]

Paying attention to the energy is to just pay attention to those sensations of anger without fear.
Generally, we have that "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" anger reaction - and then you can take a step back in your mind. A little breath, and feel what the rage and anger feels like. The sensations are sometimes very subtle, and sometimes very sharp and jagged- pronounced. What does the anger feel like? It differs for everyone. It can differ in certain situations. Those sensations are energy, chemicals and the sensation of emotion. Do you want to clench your hands - tension. Do you feel heat in your belly or perhaps your face? Does your jaw clench? Or perhaps you just feel a little bit in your neck muscles.
As TMS-ers we tend to add judgement to these sensations: Bad, wrong, or that we are unworthy to feel these emotions and the associated sensations.
We don't need to learn to have them, we just really need to turn on our radar and feel them.
You don't have to feel them EVERY time either, just enough to create a balance.
At one time I had a therapist who suggested looking at feeling a hint of this (or a hint of the sensations of any emotions) once a week is a success. The way to help desensitize to the judgements is to remember to count feeling these as a success and celebrate feeling it.
"FUME ME" is normal. Natural. You are going to feel it. Your are going to be angry. "I need to find a way to process anger that doesn't just fume me again" is sort of saying - how can I have anger but not feel anger because I don't like feeling these things.
We don't like feeling them. But the great thing is that the sensations of emotions pass within seconds to minutes. They are simply chemicals that get released in the body and dissipate. We also don't like thinking the associated thoughts of anger "I feel like punching them!" - and you get that little voice: punching is bad. However you didn't punch anyone. You THOUGHT you might feel like you'll punch someone but you are a rational adult, and you didn't.
Once you experience this a few times in a few situations you'll be able to recognize the difference between the sensations and the thoughts.
The big key is to not get caught up in the "truth" of those thoughts so that you end up in a mindset of rage. I also found this took a little while to accomplish, so don't sweat it. Be the watcher of those thoughts, without judgment and just notice what is truth, where things create anxiety (The situation or your thoughts about the situation).
This is getting to know yourself better. The confidence you gain in your ability to deal with situations will grow.

 

[BloodMoon]

One way I've tried to do this is to write a response to the person later. I am so much better at expressing myself that way and tempering it with the right amount of consideration. It has come back to bite me though a few times because it seems that no matter how nicely I write something, it seems to hack some people off being able to read and re-read my words. As I'm writing this, I realize this really only occurred once or twice over the course of my 30 year career, but the experience has been seared in me such that I'm afraid to do it now.

I think what you’re doing is trying to find as perfect a way as possible to respond in a way that will keep discomfort to a minimum. That makes sense, but the hard truth is you can’t always get a situation to resolve comfortably—especially when you’re dealing with forceful people who aren’t really listening.

What strikes me from your example is that you've already found a way of responding that feels more like you. Taking time to write something later allows you to be thoughtful and measured instead of barking back in the heat of the moment.

Reading your post, I wonder if there’s a risk of treating this as a communication problem when the harder part may actually be emotional. You seem to have found a communication approach that works well for you. The thing that appears to have undermined your confidence in it wasn't that it failed to express what you meant, but that a couple of people reacted badly anyway.

I wonder if the obstacle now isn't finding the right words, but being willing to feel what happens when the right words still don't get the response you hoped for. It sounds like those one or two experiences where people reacted badly to your written responses really stuck with you. That's understandable. But if those experiences are what now make you reluctant to communicate in a way that otherwise works well for you, then perhaps the challenge isn't improving the communication itself so much as learning that you can tolerate feeling the disappointment, frustration, or anger that comes when someone takes it badly anyway.

Sometimes we communicate thoughtfully and the other person is still unhappy. That's uncomfortable, but it doesn't necessarily mean we've done something wrong, nor does it mean there was some better set of words that would have produced a different outcome.

That said, I'd still keep experimenting with approaches that don't require you to agonise over explaining yourself (I've done the latter myself in the past and I know from experience it can be so time consuming and mentally exhausting endeavouring to express things 'just right'!). Sometimes the most authentic response isn't a better explanation but a simple "no", a clear boundary, or walking away. But even there, the challenge may be the same: being willing to tolerate feeling the discomfort of someone not liking your response. In that regard, @Cactusflower's last posting above deals wonderfully well with the aspect of feeling your anger about it.