Day 6 How it began...

For some reason, I felt the need to think back to when my shoulder pain began. It was about 4 years ago, I woke up one morning and noticed that my right shoulder was sore. I couldn't think of how it happened. The pain remained, and I felt it most when working. It started as a muscular pain, like spasms in my upper back. Soon after, the pain was radiating to my collar bone. I couldn't raise my arm very high. My posture changed. I stopped working out and playing basketball.

When the pain began, I was newly promoted at my job. The promotion was a minor increase in pay, but a major increase in responsibility. Even with the promotion, I still did not want to be with this company or in this field. It was a strange feeling, to be simultaneously nervous about my new responsibilities and wanting out entirely. It was a dead end job. It wasn't paying enough to allow me to get my own place, to feel independent. My insecurities kept me there. And those insecurities made me much more anxious about messing up my new responsibilities. Looking back, it makes complete sense that my mind protected me by giving me this immense shoulder pain. Soon after, I was forced to take a medical leave of absence. The absence lasted almost 2 months. I eventually settled into the job and grew more confident in what I was responsible for.

The pain persisted, but not quite as bad. I've dealt with this roller coaster of pain ever since. About 2 years into the initial pain, I suffered the worst flare up. I was on vacation, just landed and on my way to the hotel. The pain reached a new level I had never experienced. I spent the entire 5 days in bed at the hotel. I only got up to use the restroom and shower. Thankfully, I haven't since had a flare up that bad. The pain is with me every day, and shapes my decisions, my relationships, my mood. I want to get my life back. That's why I'm in this program, tackling past events, recognizing current stressors, and acknowledging my personality traits.

- Matt