Day 30 ? "How has this program affected your important relationships?"

[Dahlia]

The question for Day 30 has provoked a lot of thought for me. There have been a variety of impacts. Some relationships much smoother & thriving because I am living more in the present and am able to interact from my authentic self; as opposed to being inward focused on pain.

With others, the changes have been very difficult for me. I have been standing up for myself and establishing more healthy boundaries, a change which is a struggle all around. Also, I am surprised to feel grief for the unhealthy version of those relationships. I realize that some people's ability to love me is fragmented and that feels like a loss. I hope that I can stay in those relationships because they are part of my history but I know we cannot go forward together the way we were in the past.

I have a good friend who is a goodist and pleaser. There seems to be a dynamic in our relationship that I never saw before. She accommodates others in her life often at my expense (in terms of time we can spend together). And it it because I have been a goodist and pleaser that I got short shrift - I was the one in the chain that had "no problem" accommodating. It is interesting that now I find this annoying! Now I see it. So now I just need to adjust how much I am willing to accommodate and gently draw the line in the sand. This will be OK I'm sure but it is interesting to see this dynamic I never even was aware of before.

So as one changes, one's relationships change. This is all good but it is not necessarily easy.

I wonder what you all have experienced with your important relationships as you have gone through the various stages of this program?

 

[lauren4235]

The question for Day 30 has provoked a lot of thought for me. There have been a variety of impacts. Some relationships much smoother & thriving because I am living more in the present and am able to interact from my authentic self; as opposed to being inward focused on pain.

With others, the changes have been very difficult for me. I have been standing up for myself and establishing more healthy boundaries, a change which is a struggle all around. Also, I am surprised to feel grief for the unhealthy version of those relationships. I realize that some people's ability to love me is fragmented and that feels like a loss. I hope that I can stay in those relationships because they are part of my history but I know we cannot go forward together the way we were in the past.

I have a good friend who is a goodist and pleaser. There seems to be a dynamic in our relationship that I never saw before. She accommodates others in her life often at my expense (in terms of time we can spend together). And it it because I have been a goodist and pleaser that I got short shrift - I was the one in the chain that had "no problem" accommodating. It is interesting that now I find this annoying! Now I see it. So now I just need to adjust how much I am willing to accommodate and gently draw the line in the sand. This will be OK I'm sure but it is interesting to see this dynamic I never even was aware of before.

So as one changes, one's relationships change. This is all good but it is not necessarily easy.

I wonder what you all have experienced with your important relationships as you have gone through the various stages of this program?

I am not as far along as you in my program (only finishing up my first week) but I can definitely say there have been changes in my relationships. I finally am noticing what a "doormat" I have become. I remember my Dad asking me several years ago (in a disgusted voice) "When did you become such a wimp?" Now I realize that he was right! I have been trying to (nicely of course!!) stick up for myself and I think my husband and kids aren't sure what to think!

 

[nowtimecoach]

This program has totally affected my relationship! For the last 10 years, I've been a goodist and people pleaser in the relationship. After discovering the consequences of this behavior, I've been able to speak up more often. Say no and really mean it. My partner has had to adjust - sometimes with some pouting... but also with some understanding because the pain triggers from repressing my feelings are immediate and I end up in pain if I don't speak my truth. It has helped us with communication and respecting each other's needs.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

I was talking with neighbors today in their kitchen. They're about 60 and I've known them for years but
have yet to see them happy. They're both complainers and worriers about everything. Today I thought how
they needed a good dose of TMS psychology so I gave them some "tough love: and told them they need
to stop being such doom-and-gloom people. They need to be thankful for a lot of things including their
very nice home that is mortgage-free, and grown children and grandchildren and everyone gets along with
each other. I doubt I'll change them into being happy, but it helped me to get it off my chest. We parted
still friends, and maybe I left a thought with them.