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How does the Perfectionist forgive

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by TheUndyingMind, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. TheUndyingMind

    TheUndyingMind Peer Supporter

    A rhetorical question of course!

    My healing is almost complete. Now I'm at the hardest step of all... forgiveness.

    I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed than I have in a long, long time. For several minutes I just laid there, completely pain free! A weight literally felt like it had been lifted from my chest and I was just breathing normally without hesitation or tightness. It was short-lived of course as I gained more consciousness the pain and tightness returned, but this time it really was zig-zagging all over my body... SteveO was right, your pain panics itself when it knows you're onto it.

    Now back to the hardest step... how does a Perfectionist truly forgive himself? I keep telling myself that it's okay to fail. That to grow means to struggle and to fail. It's not enough to simply say it of course, I have to believe it and mean it. After my experience this morning I'm even more committed to figuring it out.

    P.S. Inner-self/Shadow-self/Asshole... whatever you prefer to be called, I know you're there now and I will put you in your place for all the crap you've made me go through.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  2. TheUndyingMind

    TheUndyingMind Peer Supporter

    I wrote in my personal journal after making the above post. I've decided that I want to share it with others in the hopes that it helps someone else on their journey.

    I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. At one point I just laid there without any pain and could breathe normally. I know now that the pain I’ve inflicted on myself comes from failing as a Supervisor. I’m not mad at Sandy, she didn’t make me accept the position… I’m mad at myself for accepting it and then failing. Sandy did the right thing by demoting me, but it really pissed me off. The weight of the team’s expectations and the toll it had taken on me must have been obvious to her. She was trying to save me from myself, but only I can do that. I know now that I have to forgive myself and let it go, what’s done is done. In some ways, if I can learn from this experience and grow from it as a person then it wasn’t a complete failure after all. To fail is to learn is to grow to become better than who I was.
  3. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    I would like to suggest a slightly different .. mindset.
    Rather than focusing on a tasking like 'forgiving' (your self or anyone else) ... instead, start practicing compassion for yourself and your choices. There are not any right or wrong choices. There are 'consequences' for our choices. We either like the outcome, or we don't. If we don't like it, we learn and move on. If we do like it, we also learn to seek other things that generate that good feeling.

    You didn't fail. You learned what did not suit you. The outcome (demotion) assaulted your ego. But YOU are not your ego. The ego part of YOU.

    When I was in an office situation (for toooooo many years), I learned that I would never rise above middle management, and even that was a little more than I should do. I am too detail oriented (perfectionist). Supervising others puts tremendous stress on all involved. I expected them to be as driven and focused as I was, which was unrealistic. I only ever received one negative review in my entire life ... it read: Needs to develop better tolerance for fellow employees.

    The success or failure of doing a job is really a myth. If the job is not suited for our personality, the result is a lot of negative feelings.

    I would say your body is telling you very explicitly something you already 'knew'. And your ego is making you feel badly.

    Compassion. Love. Understanding. Awareness. Apply these concepts to your situation. Tell yourself you made a choice, and the experience will allow you to move in a new direction that will be more suitable to your needs.

    The byproduct of these thoughts will be ... Forgiveness. Which may not even be necessary, because there is really nothing you need to forgive.

    This is a journey, and many paths are awaiting for you to explore them. Be inquisitive and open and see what happens!

    ... with Love and Compassion ^_^
    Celayne, TheUndyingMind and Ellen like this.
  4. TheUndyingMind

    TheUndyingMind Peer Supporter

    Lily Rose - thank you so much for this insight! I will truly reflect on what you've said.

    I was beginning to think that I may need to ask my co-workers for forgiveness and understanding. I think what makes the situation so difficult is that I was a peer with these people before I was promoted. Then when I was demoted unexpectedly I felt great shame and failure. I still work in the same department with these people, once again as a peer, so it's a daily reminder of these feelings.

    I know now looking back that the reason I felt such great hesitation in accepting the promotion in the first place is because it was immediately at conflict with my true-self. I don't look at people in a hierarchal fashion and I don't believe people should be judged by a series of numbers on an evaluation. I think the truth is that I set myself up for failure and now I've paid the price for that emotionally, and subsequently, physically.

    I clearly remember things getting to the point at work that I just felt indifferent. I never felt like I was really making a difference for the better though I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that most of that really never was in my control. I felt like I became part of the problem and simply helped to stifle the many good ideas that my team members had because I knew they would never really be accepted. I began being dishonest with them - smiling and pretending to hear their concerns - when I knew nothing would really change. I let all of that build precipitously until it must have became so apparent that I was unhappy that my boss finally decided to pull the plug.

    Thank you so much for reading and replying. I truly appreciate the support.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  5. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    I wish there was a "love" button to press for this post. "Like" doesn't live up to how wonderful and perfect I see it to be.

    Much gratitude for sharing your wisdom.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  6. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have many times wished for various responses like FB does. Love, WOW and such. And Thank You, as always, for your beautiful posts and the wisdom you bring to this forum. We all have such varied life experiences, and unique ways of viewing these experiences ... we all contribute, and we all take what resonates for us.

    The gratitude is mutual, and the Love is always <3
    Ellen and TheUndyingMind like this.
  7. Celayne

    Celayne Well known member

    I am saving your post to a Word file, so I can find it easily again. Wow. Lots of good things to ponder.
    Lily Rose likes this.
  8. TheUndyingMind

    TheUndyingMind Peer Supporter

    Geez, I'm re-reading my 2nd post above and the last sentence that I bolded... The Perfectionist doesn't let go easily!

    I'm still reading through The Great Pain Deception and found the following quotes quite insightful...

    "In the end, it is the false personas that drain the most energy, and so generate the most rage—producing the most chronic of symptoms. The covering up of true identity is most enraging because it demands more of what we are not, and reveals less of what we truly are. Acknowledging she has needs makes her feel vulnerable to an outside world, and so her needs are buried in her body—to be exhumed at a later date when opportunity arises."

    "You’re not adding any value in this world if you aren’t making enemies."
    Celayne likes this.

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