Day 29 How do you say 'NO'???

[hecate105]

I was journaling on a personality trait and chose 'goodism'. (so many to choose from!) It was a dialogue between me and myself about this. We ended up agreeing that I didn't know how to say 'NO' to people - unless I had a reason. TMS is a reason - I can see that. I have used my illness/disability to get out of doing stuff I did not want to do - but could not otherwise of said 'no'.
For instance if asked to look after a relatives child - if I was not occupied for the time they wanted me to babysit, how could I just say 'No , I don't want to'. It would sound mean. In fact it would be mean. If they cannot do something because they have no childcare, and I am available and capable of looking after the child, but say no, surely that is mean?
This is a situation I have been in many times over the years. I have looked after kids (love 'em to bits - but not all the time) and exhausted my self, ending up iller and in more pain. I can see the TMS pattern in that, but I still cannot see how I can say no without actually being mean...
It is also family 'events' etc, when you really don't want to go - but they say they will reschedule when you ARE available - so you can't ever get out of it...
How do other people deal with this? What can you suggest?

 

[Eric "Herbie" Watson]

( hecate105)

.......We can be grateful and do things for other people- not that the goodist isn't a plus for your personality, its who you are so hold onto that love feeling- it has your energy there...
I remember I just didn't know how to say no to bad decisions, it takes breaking the habit by first doing it for once, then saying no again and again on purpose- I know easier said than done
till you break the guilty feeling that always sinks in after you say no - in other words we've made a habit of saying yes and now we have to make a new habit
to break the old habit- its the only way I really know- id wondered how and said I wasn't going to do it a thousand times-
and then 1 favor id give in and pay the price for it too- by getting mad at myself....this sentence again was my repression at the time, I didn't know it cause I love to give but theres a difference in being took advantage of ya know....then I learned easier styles to control the habit and turn the condition around..... its in our nature to be goodist and going against this grain was one of the hardest things I had to do
I loved to give, still do and always will give.....
see me- for 39 years with my goodists personality I just couldn't say no to anyone, so id
give a loan or do the favor then get them to write me an I O U if I charged them anything- I hated to ya know... that's the jig ... we cant see ourselves saying no - which honestly I don't remember anyone ever paying me back and I never consciously got mad that I knew of.. this was one of my repression thoughts
I thought it was ok to kick myself when I made subconscious mistakes because I was programmed with habit....
I cant hold a grudge cause that's repression and if I let it out I have to sooth with meditation
and now this is cool cause I meditate daily but the rage can get so strong that at times the meditation might not help, I know theres hope there cause I do it , meditation but sometimes things get to hard and over whelming if the meditation isn't done daily, which often as humans we might skip a day or two of any soothing experience, I think we can benefit from mindfulness and other styles of meditation
now this wasn't just loans and favors it was just about anything , a person would ask
I just couldn't say no-
So to make a long story short I just had to dig my feet in and muster up the word no to another person that had come over to ask for something again on a bad night......
we can be grateful and do things for other people but sometimes we give into the bad part of the goodist side.....
just didn't know how to say no, till you break the guilty feeling that always sinks in after you say no - in other words weve made a habit of saying yes and now we have to make a new habit
to break the old habit- its the only way I really know- id wondered how and said I wasn't going to do it a thousand times-
and then id give in and pay the price for it- by getting mad at myself....this sentence again was my repression at the time, I didn't know it cause I love give....then I learned easier styles to control the habit and turn the condition around.....
I had to learn to quit thinking the walls were going to fall down if I said no and others were going to hate me for it...but I had help from my faith, some neuro linguistic programming, and TMS healing
I really started to feel a lot better about this new found power to say no - , which it is- now go and on purpose just say no about favors about ten or twenty times and youll get the hang of it, but only to the situations you feel a burning need to say no to- hope this helps - this is not about hurting others, its about not hurting yourself any longer
what is good is after you just do it on purpose a dozen times , youll start to feel better about yourself for standing up to yourself and others....then when you give youll be more truly grateful and feel stronger with new energy to say Yes to life....
each repression we break brings us closer to healing

 

[Anne Walker]

Hello Hecate. Another thing that has helped me to say no is to imagine myself asking somebody to do something for me. Would I really want them to say yes if they didn't want to do it? I know it seems mean on the surface, but I would personally much rather hear the truth from somebody up front than to find out later that they resented me for it. I think once you start doing it you will find everyone accepting and reacting much better than you imagined. And even if they don't, you have to know how to take care of yourself. Caroline Myss talks about this a lot. We all have an energy bank. We need to become aware of what is draining the bank and what is filling it. Its different for everyone. But if we get ourselves in a lot of energy draining situations and don't find a way to fill the bank, that's when we get sick. A hard one for me is when I am listening to someone and I can feel they are draining a lot of my energy, it is hard for me to break away.

 

[hecate105]

Thank you both, I will try!

 

[Lori]

Another thing that has helped me to say no is to imagine myself asking somebody to do something for me. Would I really want them to say yes if they didn't want to do it? I know it seems mean on the surface, but I would personally much rather hear the truth from somebody up front than to find out later that they resented me for it. .

Very good point!

How about "You know I love the kids, however, I need to [fill in ]. . . " You have watched them many times already, and I don't think saying no once in awhile (or more) is bad! It's for YOU.

the converse of their resenting you for saying no--you may end up resenting them for asking you when you want to be doing something else.

We all need time to take care of ourselves or we can't help others.

Cheryl Richardson has a chapter in her self-care book called "let me disappoint you". . .

 

[hecate105]

Lori, you're right - I do end up resenting them. I will try ...

 

[Becca]

Something that’s helped me in saying no is figuring out that being emotionally unavailable is the same as being logistically unavailable. It could be that you are around that evening to watch your relative’s kids. But, you know it will be exhausting, and in the past has caused you more pain, and as Lori said, you probably will end up resenting them for asking. Emotionally, then, you have to draw the line and say you can’t - you aren’t emotionally or mentally available. I think this is totally different than saying “No, I don’t want to.”

Try to remind yourself that it’s not your fault your relative doesn’t have child care, and it’s not your responsibility to be the solution to that situation, especially considering you really don’t want to be the solution in the first place, and ESPECIALLY if being the solution causes you pain! I know that if I’m conflicted about saying no to someone, something that helps me is looking at whether this is really a situation that I have a responsibility to solve. Sometimes it works, and I’m able to say no, and sometimes it doesn’t. I can tell you that in the cases I say no, I've felt proud of myself, and I haven't gotten any backlash from the people I've said no to. Even in the cases I don't, just looking at the situations allows me to be more aware of when my goodism might be acting not in my best interest, and gives me more information for future situations.

 

[hecate105]

That really makes sense. I have actually said to my sister that I can't be much support at the moment because i'm trying to heal myself and she took it really well. It will be harder with other family members as they always come up with a 'solution' so that you can do whatever it is they want! But I have realised that if I don't look after myself first - I won't be any use to anyone else. So I will practise saying 'NO'....

 

[Gigi]

Great thread, everyone! Thanks for all the suggestions. I particularly like what Becca said about being emotionally unavailable.
In my job, I serve both students AND all my fellow teachers. It's really hard to say no, but sometimes they try to take advantage, so I have to set some boundaries.