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How do you deal with disliking people you love?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by LindaLeyner, Feb 16, 2015.

  1. LindaLeyner

    LindaLeyner New Member

    I deeply resent my mother. She is making my life a living hell.

    I have not come out to her as gay. My brother introduced his new girlfriend to her this week. She has been raging all weekend about that girl. That she only wants to use my brother. That she is an opportunist. That my brother's trying to get rid of her (mother) and isn't thanking her enough for all the things she's done for him. He's older and lives away from home. I am currently home on a break from Uni.

    She started raving about traditional family values, and how disgraceful it was that my brother and his gf were obviously sharing a bed in his flat when she stayed over.
    How we should only get together with someone "worthy".
    How it should be normal and moral and right, and that we should introduce our partners to her properly. (So she can decided whether they are suited?!!!)

    I cannot come out. My stomach flipped when she said that and I felt such a deep sadness well up within me. I am between a rock and a hard place. I want to come out, come clean. I believe it'd help with some part of the repressed emotions. It would be a sign of acceptance of MYSELF: On the other hand. It's going to be tough.
    My mother's already saying we are stressing her too much, that she's hypertensive and she says she might get a stroke or heart attack. Her general constitution wouldn't speak against that (overweight, heart problems in family, high blood pressure...)
    She's always done that.

    I crave my mother's affection, yet, I really want her out of my affairs sometimes. She is an aggressive person (screaming, shouting, throwing fits, a slap here and there) and I am not sure how to handle my relationship with her.
    I am a failure for her. She always wanted a girl, and was disappointed when her first kid turned out to be a boy (My brother). She bought me dresses I detested. She wanted me to join the church, have a family, kids.
    I turned out wrong. I seldom wear dresses, I am gay, I went into science for a careeer (which she's sceptical about), don't believe in her superstitions, I probably won't have kids of my own.
    If she's reacting THIS badly to a girlfriend of my brother's - normal, heterosexual, right - what will she do about a girlfriend I bring home one day? Scratch that. She forbade us to bring home any kind of partners at all. She assumes boys, for me, of course.
    What will she do if she finds out? Kick me out of her life? Will it cause her any physical damage? Will the news kill my mother - will I kill my mother?

    I really wanted to help her. I know she has got issues that stem from her own troubled family life, and I can sympathize with that, I do. I try to be understanding. I try to make her see reason where her opinions are dangerously flawed. She drinks too much, but then she just gets physical and aggressive so I stop. She's a bit OCD and is always calling me to make sure I got home "right". When I am out with friends, she gets stressed. I feel like I am responsible for her bad health.

    I am not sure what my father would say, if he'd still support me. He's always been happy as long as I achieved great things in school and now uni. But I don't know his stance on my personal love life. I know he's against gays...but.. maybe he can see past that because I am his daughter?
    I am really scared and angry and sad. I can feel my symptoms flare up right now. Anxiety is rearing its ugly head.

    I don't know. I can't seem to be able to see past the next few days. I can't look forward to anything. I worry, all the time.
  2. Zumbafan

    Zumbafan Well known member

    You are suffering, but you can get through it.
    Have you read Derek Sapico's recent post, Is contact with parents detrimental? I think that may help you.
    You said you can't look forward to anything. Well, I set you a challenge. Try something new today. Like going for a walk in a place where you have never been before, and notice what you see. Or listen to a different genre of music, say if you like country and western, find a YouTube of opera. Or, if you have never eaten a kiwi fruit, try it. You are studying science...look at an art book in the library! Get the picture?
    Hope you feel better soon.
  3. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    I too have struggled with a difficult parent. I only recently discovered Adult Children of Alcoholic/Disfunctional Families. It is an offshoot of AA. I am going to the meetings and am finding it to be remarkably helpful. I know this is off the subject of TMS specifically, but the personality traits of Adult Children look to me like they align with the TMS personality traits, e.g. goodist, perfectionist, people-pleaser, responsible, etc.

    In my area there is even a meeting once a week for gay Adult Children.

    Here is the national website. Check out the "laundry list" of personality traits. See what you think. http://www.adultchildren.org/. You can also find local meeting times and locations. It was very amazing to me to find a group of people who struggle with the same issues as I have.

    Also, if you do a search on Adult Children of Alcoholics on this TMS forum, you'll see some discussions on this.

    To me, to not be able to live your authentic self in the world is soul-strangling. I encourage you to get the insight and support to bring your own true self into the world. There is no other you and the world needs your unique gifts.

    Good luck.
    Ozzy, yb44 and Ellen like this.
  4. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    Your thread should maybe read "How to Deal With Disliking People Society Tells Us We're SUPPOSED to Love". The collective meme says we're supposed to love our loved ones, and obviously that presents a ton of conflicts as demonstrated in your situation--ergo, TMS pain as a result of the overwhelming subconscious anger created by the conflict. Maybe stay out of the house as much as possible until your break from uni is over.
  5. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    My older brother told me once, "I love Mom, but I don't like her."

    I didn't press him to explain, but in many ways felt the same about her,
    and for that matter, about him. When we were boys, he bullied me, beat up on me.
    Years later an uncle told me my brother resented having to look after my sister and me
    because he was the eldest. He wanted to be out playing with his pals.

    Our mother was a hard worker who kept the family together, but when she was elderly
    she was very self-centered and impossible to please. Now that I'm older, I understand her better.

    Dahlia, thanks for telling us all about Adult Children of Alcoholics. What a great discovery that is.
    Wish I had known about it years ago. I might have been better able to deal with an alcoholic stepfather.
    In journaling, I've come to better understand the reasons he drank.
    I'm till trying to understand why my older brother drank. He must have been repressing something big.

    Understanding those we love or with whom we live and share our lives closely seems to me
    to be a major key in understanding our selves and the causes of our TMS pain.
    zclesa, Ozzy and Dahlia like this.
  6. David88

    David88 Well known member

    I feel for you. I grew up with this sort of controlling parent.

    You are NOT responsible for your mother's fits of anger, blood pressure, or any other physical and emotional reactions. Those are on her, not you. Don't let her lay that guilt trip on you.

    You are a young adult and entitled to live your life as you like. She may approve or disapprove. But if she decides to rave, stress out, become aggressive, or whatever, because she doesn't like your choices, that's on her, not you. She could choose a different reaction if she wanted to.

    This is a tough situation, I know. You need to establish boundaries and separate your choices from hers. But maybe start here: you're not hurting her by making choices for your life. If she rages about that, that's on her.

    I hope this helps.
    zclesa and Mala like this.
  7. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Linda, I am so sorry for the pain you are in…it's easy to see how TMS can have a field day with you. So first…here's a mama bear {hug}.

    Your mom's behavior is abusive and manipulative and…you already know this…you can't do anything about it.

    What you CAN do is take an honest look at your expectations. A loving, respectful relationship likely isn't going to happen. Letting go of those expectations is so very difficult…but also so freeing. I've had to do this with many family relationships.

    The good thing is, as you are true to your self and living authentically, new relationships WILL happen. I know for me when I was young, I was very grateful for a father figure friend. He was the dad my alcoholic father never could be. I'm always amazed at how the universe will respond when we put our selves out there.

    The only thing you can do in the meanwhile is set firm boundaries. When she pulls her enraged mother act…it's time for you to leave the room or the house. I'm not sure how old you are so this could be tricky if you're still living at home.

    Is there a gay support group that you can join also? I have some gay friends and I know some of the challenges they've faced are not unlike your's. Having a loving supportive community can really help in that aspect. And ultimately I believe it can impact your TMS for the better too.

    Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We care about you!
    Mala, yb44 and Dahlia like this.
  8. mdh157

    mdh157 Well known member

    Some excellent points here......there are some people who I love, but don't like, it is just part of life. Linda, my grandmother on my mom's side was just as bad as your mom appears to be, and she alienated everyone so badly she ended up spending her last years alone because not too many could stand being near her, she never had a good word to say about anyone. There was only 13 people at her funeral, to include the pastoral staff! These types of relationships are destructive, and you need to decide where to go from here - even if it includes spending a lot less time in your mom's company. Going with the status quo will result in your continued suffering, and the longer it goes on, the longer it'll take to undo the damage.

    She needs to decide that she loves you the way you are, NOT the way she thinks you should be, and she is the only person who can change that.
  9. yb44

    yb44 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I feel for you Linda. As harsh as it may sound your mother is unlikely to ever change her ways. We go through life wanting what we didn't get from our carers, hoping to find it in others but are often left disappointed so we have to find a way to give these things to ourselves and relinquish the need for our family members to be different. I can't say that I've quite achieved this yet but I'm going in that direction. I second North Star's suggestion about finding support through the gay and lesbian community either in person or through a forum.
    Dahlia likes this.
  10. blake

    blake Well known member

    Hi Linda,
    Sorry to hear about your struggles. Sounds like you're going through a lot.

    My best friend had a father who bullied her and her siblings when they were kids. She worked through her anger in therapy and said she finally found peace after accepting that he was "completely useless." In other words, she stopped looking to him for approval and respect, because every time she stuck her neck out, he would just be a jerk. Now her father is an old man; he is weak and frail and has no more fight left in him. Her therapist told her that one of the best things you can do when you have an abusive parent is to spend time with them when they are old. It cuts them down to size in your mind and helps you realize that they are human being, just like you. They have no power over us when we become adults.

    Hope this helps a little.
  11. blake

    blake Well known member

    How amazing that you should write that, Dahlia! I'm currently reading about co-dependency and see myself on every page. I'm working up the courage to go to an ACOA meeting, but haven't done it yet. Your post has given me courage. Thank you for that!
    Dahlia likes this.
  12. blake

    blake Well known member

    Linda, I wanted to mention one more thing: my mother-in-law is a very manipulative woman. My husband and I dated for 3 years, during which time she refused to meet me, called me every name in the book behind my back and tried to convince my husband not to marry me. We got married without her knowing. When we told her, she pretended to have a heart attack and accused my husband of trying to kill her. That was 21 years ago and the old lady is still alive and kicking.
  13. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    I encourage you to give it a try. My group welcomed me with open arms and what a revelation to be in a room full of people that understand exactly what I'm saying because they have been there too.

    Best of luck.
    blake likes this.
  14. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    OK, I finally broke open and started to read the Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families "big book". And here's what I read on page 7:

    "In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic illnesses. The illnesses include stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia, colon problems, and skin ailments in addition to other physical conditions."​

    Well, I certainly see myself on that page!
    yb44 and blake like this.
  15. armchairlinguist

    armchairlinguist Peer Supporter

    Something else that may help...people above have written about letting go of the expectation of having the type of relationship you wish you could have with your mom. This is very wise, and it's also good to know that you will probably have a lot of internal grief (and maybe anger) about it. We all (as humans) want a loving, supportive parental relationship. Even those of us who get pretty good parents, well, parents are human and imperfect, and we may still have grief and anger about needs of ours that were not met.

    Work on acknowledging the grief and the anger as feelings (in a safe space like a support group, therapy, or privately/with close friends), so that they don't have to become TMS symptoms. Then move forward with a life that fits you. One of the things we do as young adults is finish differentiating from our families of origin, set boundaries with parents and others who we need space and time away from, and often create new strong bonds with people who can better support us as adults. Doing this does not make you a bad person or ungrateful (no matter what your mom says). It makes you a healthy and functional adult.
  16. LindaLeyner

    LindaLeyner New Member

    Thank you all for your responses. I don't know why or how, but reading that, tears began to pour from my eyes. The idea of letting go that ideal of one day having a halthy relationship with my mother is terribly sad.

    I just want to be AWARE. I don't want to get a girl - one day, my girlfirend - into a relationship that's only designed to provide me with that my childhood lacked. She wouldn't deserve it, I think. I don't want to drag more people nto this mess.
    David88 likes this.
  17. Ozzy

    Ozzy Peer Supporter

    I too went through grief of losing what I wanted with my mother. I had to let go of what I really wanted - a healthy close relationship with mum. It was like she had died (my ideal version of her had) but yet she was still physically alive. Very odd and upsetting!

    Now I just have to be clear about limits about what is acceptable to me about what they say and do to me. I am clear about those limits to myself and to both parents . This is so I can be kind to myself and not have unnecessary difficulty in my life, and also because I have done lots of work on myself to shake out of my parents way of feeling and doing. They have neglected to do much work therefore I end up helping them to grow up unless I consciously refuse to take on that role. I love them but I'm too busy growing myself up, and my two kids to have more people to help in that respect.
    David88 likes this.
  18. yb44

    yb44 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Because you are becoming more aware you are feeling those raw emotions. This stuff is far more painful than backache, headache etc. We can go see a physio, acupuncturist, massage therapist or take some pain relieving drug for all that but how do we cope under the weight of all that emotion? Yes it is sad but there is light at the end. I really like what armchair linguist says above:

    One of the saddest moments I had with my own mother was when I was saying goodbye to her the last time I saw her. I live abroad so don't see her very much and for several years we didn't speak following an ego-fueled family squabble. I told her I hoped to see her again but realised this might be the last time we saw each other (she's in her 90's and slowing down rapidly). Her reaction was very matter-of-fact, something like "okay, bye then." I was deeply hurt by this but of course didn't say anything to her. I wanted to tell her I loved her but the words just stuck in my throat. I banked those feelings until I got into my car. There I just sat and let the waves of emotion wash over me. The old me would have suppressed her feelings and carried on with her day. Later that day or the next day the old me would have been complaining of a migraine too. I haven't seen my mother since but recently she was admitted to a hospital and underwent emergency surgery. I was getting very little information from family and none from the hospital. Fortunately the op was a success and my mother is recovering in a care facility before she returns home. I was able to speak to her by phone yesterday and offered to come stay and help her once she was home. She resisted, telling me she had all the help she needed. I could come for a visit later in the year - but I had to stay with someone else and just visit (as if by appointment only). This too hurt and still hurts. If I suppress this hurt I am likely to lash out at some innocent someone and develop a familiar or perhaps new TMS complaint.

    The other point I wanted to make was about our parents/carers and there own upbringing. My mother is completely unemotional. I have seen her cry twice in my life, once when my brother had a breakdown and once at my father's burial. The rest of the time she represses and suppresses like a pro. She never gets overtly sad, happy or angry. Most likely she learned to act this way when she was a young child. And her parents too had their issues. My therapist used to tell me when I was troubled about my own children that it's very difficult parenting from an empty place, a place that should have been filled with love and security. I can only assume my parents and their parents cared for their offspring from that same empty place. There is a reason why your mother is the way she is but it's not your fault. It's also not your mother's fault if she isn't the type of person who can move towards awareness. In her mind she believes that the way she deals with her life and her loved ones is the only right way to deal with it based on her own view of the world. That's not to say you have to share in that world view.
    Ellen likes this.
  19. Maribel

    Maribel New Member

    "My older brother told me once, "I love Mom, but I don't like her." - these could be the actual words of my more stable sister!! I hadn't realized how deep the ambivalence with mum run in my heart.

    My great grandfather was an alcoholic!! - now I realized that he affected my grandmother and thus my father...
    "thanks for telling us all about Adult Children of Alcoholics. What a great discovery that is.
    Wish I had known about it years ago. I might have been better able to deal with an alcoholic stepfather.
    In journaling, I've come to better understand the reasons he drank."

    Understanding those we love or with whom we live and share our lives closely seems to me
    to be a major key in understanding our selves and the causes of our TMS pain.

    We learn hate/love patterns from them and it messes up our lives - I think TMS is about digging those patterns out and discarding them so we can simply life in the present moment.
    Dahlia likes this.

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