Derek S. How do I work through difficult feelings?

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Question

I had been frustrated & struggling to get to the core of my repressed emotions & then had a major breakthrough. I discovered & felt in my body some really shameful feelings of hate for each of my parents for different ways they treated me as a child & still do at age 56.

I was elated to have that come to the surface & actually feel it & the emotional release it led to . I immediately felt how 'wrong' that was however & felt a need to 'heal' it & forgive them so I could let it go & not have it be a destructive part of me. it seems I ws trying to repress it again but just in another way (letting go?)

I realized that's my work but am wondering now is it the anger/hate for my parents (and myself as I treat myself the same way now) OR is it the shame I have for even feeling that?

in either case -- what do I do w/ things like that? how long should I hang on to those feelings (that is if I can get in touch w/ it again), work w/ it & feel it- how do I know when to move on, forgive & heal & let go?

I had a huge layer of pain/tension release from my body w/ this experience. I know there's more. maybe my body will be the judge & answer to this question?

 

[Derek Sapico MFT]

Answer

Thanks for your question.

That is awesome that you had such a profound breakthrough in your emotional work. It is a tremendous sign of your progress and a huge step towards recovery.

The blowback of shameful feelings that you are experiencing is very common and is likely one of the reasons that your brain felt the need to repress the anger in the first place. At some point in your life, anger was linked to shame in a powerful way. This phenomenon is something that therapists would call "affect intolerance" which is just a fancy term for judging yourself for feeling certain emotions.

For your purposes of healing, it isn't important to figure out whether it is the anger or the affect intolerance that causes you to develop symptoms. What is important is that you continue to work on allowing all of these emotions to run their course. Keep working on feeling the anger and when the shame comes up, normalize this response for yourself. It's ok to feel multiple emotions at once and you should embrace and accept your emotional complexity.

It may take you some time to process through the rage and I would urge you to be patient with yourself. When the time comes, the emotions will let go of you. You will know that this has happened when they feel less intense and/or when they stop manifesting as physical symptoms.

Don't rush yourself or impose a "must be healed by" date on yourself. That wouldn't be a kind, gentle, compassionate way of treating yourself.

Keep an eye towards nurturing yourself and your emotions and they will settle in and feel more comfortable with time.

Keep up the fantastic work!

-Derek

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[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

I think the best thing to do if anger or hatred is inside us, about our parents or anyone, is to very sincerely forgive.
Those who cause us emotional pain probably have their own TMS but haven't dealt with their repressed emotions.

To forgive, we may not be able to forget, but forgiving is a major step toward that, putting to rest anger and hatred.
Replacing it with kindness, compassion.