How do I stop repressing and have full access to my emotions?

I have done a lot of journaling and meditation lately, and I mean a lot, and I made some serious breakthroughs where I feel like I nailed the source of much of my pain, some real AHA moments, and I have had a few very incredibly vulnerable and revealing moments where I have broken down and cried uncontrollably, something I never do. And I’ve experienced a temporary elimination of my symptoms after experiencing so. But the pain always comes back, with a vengeance, and when I do the work and dig into my psyche and feel, the TMS just switches tactics and changes form. I can’t just get myself to feel these emotions very often, it’s a rare event. Aside from constantly obsessing and fearing my TMS symptoms, I don’t tend to feel very much. I’m rather numb most of the time. I'm a huge thinker, I like to overthink the shit out of everything, so I think I bury much of my feelings with intellectualism.

To really oversimplify things, I feel unlovable and unworthy of others acceptance. And I have come to the conclusion that I will be alone the rest of my life, something I am still trying to come to terms with. Again, I don’t know why, but to tap into this feeling of being utterly alone in the world and unloved is really really hard to access. I definitely have a problem over intellectualizing everything in my life, which is probably a major defense mechanism for me. I always feel like a real disappointment to my family, that I will never amount to anything in life, and that I am just broken and defective and have no real significance. Most of the time I just shrug it off and say “What else is new” or “There are a lot of lonely people out that that don’t feel loved, that’s part of life” or “A lot of people’s parents have abandoned them." And just go about my day.

One thing that is clear to me is that my symptoms, however horrible they are, are a distraction from the fact that I feel, totally alone in this world. The days I am in pain because of my TMS keeps me in this endless cycle of not caring at all about my problems in life, because I just want to get out of the pain. But those rare days that the pain goes away….my REAL problems are still there waiting for me. One thing I’m trying to remind myself is that no matter how severe and painful my symptoms are, TMS is never the main issue in my life

I just want to know why it is so hard to feel my feelings even though I feel like at this point I am fully open to feeling them. Am I just constantly repressing my feelings and not aware of it? How do I stop this?

 

Hi Davideus85,

I suggest that the fact you're sometimes acutely aware of your feelings, and other times you're not is quite natural. Your self talk is normal, part of our normal identity, and defense mechanisms.

Most of the time I just shrug it off and say “What else is new” or “There are a lot of lonely people out that that don’t feel loved, that’s part of life” or “A lot of people’s parents have abandoned them." And just go about my day.

Easier to feel a familiar, low-grade sense of numbness from your more real feelings.

You're learning a new way of being: radically vulnerable and more aware in moments. This is generally intolerable for most of us, these heightened state of awareness. But how precious that you're learning this. In time, you develop more ease, and I would say this is not something you can make happen. Your ease grows with more "real" moments and with time.

Even though in your mind you believe you're open to your feelings, this is not something the really vulnerable parts of you understand. As children we're overwhelmed by feelings. In time we learn that they don't feel safe inside. They're also not acknowledged as OK by our parents much of the time.

I suggest you make space in you for feeling what it "normally feels like" and know this too, without judgement. This helps you become more safe with which ever way the wind blows. Self-compassion is important here for both sides of the feelings pendulum.

So, maybe this is time for more feeling, and less thinking, even about these observations. And patience and understanding.

Andy