Daniel L. How do I deal with getting my spouse to be more supportive?

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Question

How do you ask your spouse to hang in there while you work on yourself? My husband gets practically furious when I get a multi-day mograine and that makes my experience of the pain significantly worse. He acts like just because I know it's TMS that means that im on control of it and could simply chose not to have them.

Help!

 

Answer

Sometimes when we’re going through our TMS process, it can be hard for those around us to understand what that means and how to be supportive.

To begin, your husband getting furious with you when you have a migraine is not helping. In fact, it’s making things worse. That needs to change.

I have a question for you: Have you asked him to stop responding to your migraines that way? If you have asked him, and he hasn’t stopped, then there is a bigger issue at play here.

If you haven’t, then this might be another case of fear getting in the way of progress. I’d encourage you tell him exactly how you’d like him to respond when your migraine shows up. If you want him to leave you alone – say that. If you want him to be supportive and bring you cookies in bed (fun!) – say just that. Tell him that you need time to take pressure off of yourself, and when he gets angry with you when you have a migraine it only feels like more pressure!

Are you worried about how he’ll respond when you tell him what you need? Well, you’re in good company. Most of us get worried when we have to assert ourselves. But otherwise he won’t know what you need! The only way for him to change his behavior is if you tell him that the behavior now is not acceptable, and not helping you get better.

Lastly, I’d encourage you to send him to the wiki. If he doesn’t 100% understand TMS, then send him here to look around. If you’re feeling too anxious to tell him that you need him to be supportive, then maybe even send him to my answer – that might help.

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