Day 8 How do emotions make me feel?

The question what happens inside, is a real challenge for me, because I have to take time to find out. Otherwise I'll answer it from the mind, from looking afterwards and telling some story, and that is not being honest with myself. I tried and it didn't make any sense.

So I have stopped running a couple of times these last days. In the heat of the moment just cutting what I was doing. I found myself staring out of the window while cooking and closing my eyes in the midst of a conversation... Wow, that needed some courage is what I see now. My pattern is to rush on and ignore what is there. To try to keep control, carry it all, be brave and keep smiling.

Yesterday, I visited my dad in the hospital. Bit nervous about that on forehand, curious about how he would look like. I saw that my body completely tensed up, when I walked into his room. Pain started to show up in my arms and upper back. I ignored it, just tried to sit a bit different. It hurted even more. Then I rememberd this program and decided to take a pause. I went to the toilet, closed my eyes and took a closer look.

What I saw and experienced was a lot of anxiety which expressed itself as rimples in my forehead, blocked jaw, knot in my stomach and quite wild heart beating. Amazing! I realized that I was trying to control my behaviour and the way I look to the outside world: stay calm and relaxed, make some intelligent jokes and keep smiling all the time of course. Be the bright and lovely girl my dad likes to see.

He has been shouting at me and blaming me for being 'soft' and 'weak' so often when I was a kid. Even only a tiny little bit of emotion stressed him out completely. A couple of years ago I've found out about the Asperger Syndrom and how his personality is influenced by that. So in a way he can't help this quite agressive behaviour. This information helped me a lot to forgive him more and not blame him for that. But that didn't of course change what happened in the past... and my mind and body are over alert in his presence and are still triggered very quickly...

I feel quite insecure and vulnarable to write about it here. To not hide myself. To be honest and share about what happens on the inside, when anxiety–and pain–pops up. Also right now, just before pushing the 'create thread' button... Arms are tensing up a bit, shoulder starts to ache... Pffff....

 

I can completely relate to your experience Lydia, the relationship I have with my boyfriend is much the same. He seems to "hate" emotion and when I'm upset or express emotion he becomes very critical and proceeds to tell me I'm "wrong" to feel sensitivity, or hurt about anything. Then, I get defensive and along with it all kinds of physical symptoms commence.. Back pain, odd tingling or numb spots, and of course.. Anxiety (with a capital "A"!) complete with racing heart, shakiness, cold hands and feet, and then a cry or sob session. It's horrible to realize most people don't understand a sensitive personality type. (unless they themselves are..) sorry for the long post, just wanted you to know you aren't alone!!

 

Yes, telling about being wrong for feeling what is felt and the cry-sessions afterwards to bring the stress down... sounds very familiar! Thanks for writing and relating to this issue. I have had little exchange until now, with people who have been in such a situation too. What looks so strange to me is, that even my dad ignores, denies or supresses his own emotions completely, he never has TMS or even pain... Instead, my mom and I had thousands of symptoms and a lot of pain (-:

 

I am also surprised that your dad never had tms. I thought there was a connection autism-tms. Autists have difficulties processing and sharing emotions, have a tendency to be perfectionists, etc.

 

Hi, Lydia. You have a tough one to deal with, your father having Asperger's Syndrome. I think you need to accept that he has a problem with your emotions, as he has with his own. You might look at the YouTube
videos on AS. One says AS sufferers fail to develop friendships. That says a lot! If I were you, I would try to make the hospital visits as pleasant as possible. Let your father's comments go in one ear and out the other.

 

In the last couple of years he has developed skin problems and also shoulder problems. But the medication he takes, they help him enough. He seems to escape from TMS somehow. Lucky him (-:

 

Yes, that works well, to just let him talk. And listening to him while staying connected to my body too, to keep my stress level as low as possible.