Day 2 Hopeful, Frustrated, …a little Scared, and Thankful

First, I’m hopeful for the first time in a long time that I can conquer the long list of TMS equivalents that I’ve been grappling with for the last 37 years or so and which, for the past 4 or 5 particularly, have made my life extremely miserable.

I liked Kim Ruby’s summary of TMS and like a recent Day 2 post by Jacketspud, I liked the paragraph about how we create a long list of requirements for ourselves. It’s exhausting living up to all of these things all of the time! Hopefully these types of realizations, and all the other wonderful resources on this site, will give me the ability to let a lot of this crap go, or at least not let it have the power over me that it always has.

Second, I’m frustrated about just how out of touch I am with my emotions and my inability to really feel them. In Sara’s Day 2 post she talked about her father’s anger and how that affects her ability to feel it. That hit home for me. My father would regularly beat us. I can recall from an early age realizing that “dad had daily temper tantrums” and it was important to not be around when he did. When my father wasn’t around, my oldest sister would deal with her anger by tormenting me physically and emotionally. By age 6 I had decided I was not going to be anything like any of “these people” (my family). So, I don’t get angry much, and when I do it’s very short lived. Rather, I’m totally analytical about everything. I’m aware of it, so I do consciously try on a day-to-day basis to be in some kind of touch with my feelings and to have empathy and compassion and not take an analytical approach with those in my life that I care about. When it comes to repressed emotions, I can see lots of reasons for rage and sadness, and I talk to myself about it a lot. Identifying the feelings I’m trying to avoid isn’t very difficult, but experiencing anything is very tough if not impossible for me.

In any event, I struggled to really feel something in response to the Day 2 questions. In the end, I know I’ve got more work to do, but I’m choosing to be happy with what I accomplished in my responses for today.

Third, I’m a little scared. I don’t share much of my “inner self” with anyone other than my wife. I decided I would post my progress, thoughts and feelings, though, as I feel like it might help me. I was scared yesterday after I made my first post, and I’m a little panicky right now as I’m preparing to post this…

Finally, I’m thankful that I found this site, that my first posts were accepted and I received such warm responses, and that I finally see a path forward that I believe in.

Bugs

 

Fortune favours the brave my dear Bugs.
I reiterate my thoughts on gentleness. Always err on the side of doing what feels good. Share only what you want. Maybe write it and save as a draft to muse on posting later.

I know that panicky feeling. Sometimes its more imagined than real. Other times its a sign that we have rendered ourselves vulnerable ahead of time. This is ok. In helps us learn how, what, when and why we express the things we do. As we evolve in emotional understanding and acceptance these baby steps are the biggest of all.

Once is never. Twice is always. You're two steps in on the most remarkable journey you'll ever make.