Holy moly where does this come from?

everything was so fine, I was so confident. And then I needed days off from work, felt kind of sick and exhausted. And of course, yesterday my bladder pain started. It’s a bit different than usual, this makes me anxious that it might be a real infection. That needs testing, waiting for the result, insecurity... you see what is going on. I have a panic attack, feeling my heart beat, feel a bit sick and not being able to focus. And I am close to just cry, out of frustration, anger, pity, whatever ...
What I will do? Accept it, first thing. Next thing: feel it. And then: ask why? I will go to a friends dinner today, I have the tendency to stay at home, but I know that this is fear talking.
Now a bit of analysis: I had the need to stay at home because I experience serious competition at work from a younger and right now very succesful colleague. As things are he will be promoted and in the case of reducing staff, my guess is that they will fire me. I am maybe not first in line, but anyway, the thought freaks me out. I really don’t know what to do without this job, I will never get the same kind of job. I will have to settle for much less. So, this happened: I had to celebrate my succesful colleague with the others and inside I am jealous and scared. I envy him for the luck he had, which is partly because of I gave him the chance, I could see the potential in him.
So, at work the same happens as in my private life: I helped my ex-husband to have his career (and made my own as well), then he has a huge midlife crisis, accuses me to have ruined his life etc.. I asked for divorce (still best decision) and he is having a new life with new wife and children. And me? I try to find a new partner, but it is difficult. And since 4 years or so I simply gave up to go on dating sides etc. I had so much pain and how can I explain to a man that I deal with this bladder pain now and then?
I made so many mistakes in my life. And now I am soon turning 57 and I feel like trapped. Ok, one doesnt need to be a psychotherapist to see why I still have bouts of pain. And while writing this I also start to see things clearer. I think I need to journal more.
Thanks for reading!

 

Ok, I calmed down. Either it is TMS (most likely) or I have an UTI (not likely). I will get my urine tested Manday, have the result Tuesday. Until then: I treat is as another manifestation of TMS. Monday I was feeling like I am on the top of the world, joining with some friends at a jazz concert, feeling the music in my painless body. And from there it went down ... I need to address frustration and anger .. and let it go!

 

Congratulations Time2be! It is so powerful when one is able to "calm down" in the face of symptom fear. When I read your first post I was impressed because you were able to articulate the stressors that might be feeding this "flare." One thing that I have noticed about myself when I am analyzing is that I can SAY or WRITE a lot about what is going on emotionally--but there is often a disconnection between what I know to be factually true and what I actually allow myself to FEEL. You mentioned that your next step was to "feel" and I am wondering--how do you cross over to actually feeling?

 

That nice that you congrate me iwire! I managed to calm a bit down, get the house cleaned, but I cancelled the dinner invitation. I simply don’t feel like it. And I maybe take a painkiller later (nothing strong!). Just something that takes the edge of it. So, no, I am far from coping in a good way.
Now, that is a good question, you pose, how do I cross over to actually feeling? I don’t know. This sad feeling is with me. And I feel the shame and frustration. What I don’t mangage so good is to just observe it for what it is: a feeling right now, something that is not defining me. Because there is also joy and compassion in me. But I have difficulties to remember this. And are these feeling true? Well, I would say they are authentic. But what is the true feeling behind all this? I don’t believe there is one true feeling. I think it is a bundle of feelings. And some are on the surface right now. So, in short, I don’t feel disconnected with my emotions, it’s just that I focus most often on the negative.

 

You can change that through gentle cultivation of kinder and more positive states. The magic comes when we learn not to sink into negativity but to turn it around as soon as we can. It gets easier, I promise.

 

Thanks Plum! Usually I am very kind towards others. Just not with myself ... and that is such a good phrase: not to sink into negativity. That’s what I did yesterday and today. And now I have to turn it around. Being kind to myself. Thanks again!

 

Hi Time2be,

It seems you understand so much of what is happening to you, in a compassionate, heart-felt way. I mean this about so much of what you describe.

I want to point out some things I see, which may be true. About the symptoms coming up:

There is fear, there is "how to fix?" and there is perhaps a subtle way that you feel you have failed in your TMS work, or should be doing it better.

If these are there, I hope you can gently be with all this, without rejection, but with understanding and compassion. TMS is in reality a life-time's work, and with your insight and care, it is going deeper and deeper, revealing more of your truth and love. It does much of this by revealing where we get caught. Nothing wrong with this!

Andy B

 

Thanks Andy B! I hope that my understanding is heart-felt. That’s what I want. And also yes, I often feel shame for not doing good enough, even my TMS work. I realize that it is a life-long process! Yes! I learn every day. Or as my friend says: sometimes you need to take some extra rounds ...

 

You can buy the urine test strips at the grocery store and test at home. I always keep some on hand because having to make a dr appointment and go in always creates a lot of stress for me. I like to know right away if it’s TMS I’m dealing with so I can put the fear of an infection out of my mind. Hope you’re feeling better! Interesting- I’ve had the flu all week and my bladder has felt better than it has in forever. Good proof of TMS.

 

Thanks readytoheal! I know and I used strips before. But, the problem is that they all show not only nitrite but also leukocytes. Normally you would say if the urine is clean there are no leukocytes (or only a small amount that is not significant for the strips). But I sometimes have leukocytes and no bacteria in the urine. My urologist says that you can have leukocytes from stress reaction. I googled and she is right. The other doctors also tell me that there is nothing to do if there are no bacteria but some leukocytes in the urine. So, I should not be worried about it. But I do! It sometimes freaks me out. Therefore I don't buy those strips that have multi-fields. I can buy some here in the pharmacy that only show nitrate and they are incredible expensive. Nitrate is that is what some bacteria produce. Emphasis is on some bacteria. It's about 80% of the bacteria which usually are the cause for a UTI that are producing nitrate. The others don't and therefore don't show on a strip. Now, you can see why I ended up with handing a sample to the doctor, who makes the strip test and, if any leukocytes seen, he cultures the urine and then can tell, if there are bacteria in it.

I see that you also struggle with bladder pain. How are you doing generally? Maybe the symptom imperative is also an explanation for your bladder feeling good while you have the flu. Now your brain has another symptom to bother with and doesn't need the bladder. I hope your good bladder feeling stays!

 

Yes, I’m certain it’s the symptom imperative! The bladder sensations (pain) will likely return but I don’t fear it like I used to.

I always have leukocytes when flaring but have never had a bacterial infection. It does freak me out a bit when there are so many leukocytes but I know there is not an infection and this is what my body does during a flare. I’ve even had traces of blood but no infection. It’s bizarre.

I know it’s TMS though and by treating it as such, I’ve done really well this past year. Eating anything I want and living with far less fear. It’s been a process though.

 

Dear readytoheal, I would like to message you! This is really interesting. We seem to have very similar TMS conditions! Would that be ok?

 

I was TMSing, now it is official Holy Moly why am I still doing this?? No, I am quite fine, I don't torture me about it. This is what happens and I will learn.
What I really want to say is: thanks all of you who listened to me over these four days. You are wonderful people!

 

I know even though it’s an old post but reading this has literally opened my eyes!!! For the past one year I was going to the ER with different kinds of pains and they were running all test, CT abdomen, transvaginal ultrasound, Back MRI, the list can go onnnnnn. And the only reason they kept on running these test were because my WBC count was super high but no infections or anything! It makes perfect sense now, TMS can effect in so many ways. Thank God for Dr Sarno and you guys with wonderful discussions and posts.