Day 10 Hidden emotions

I hide my emotions from almost everyone, but a I do a very poor job. Most people sense the hidden anger and sadness. The person I hid my emotions most from was Mom. Mom and Dad taught me my anger, crying, joy, sadness were unacceptable The only acceptable emotion was none. Years later they would say things like, “ I just couldn’t bear it if I thought my eldest son didn’t love me” ‘I would just die” So even as an adult I could never express the truth or what I felt. (obviously they had some Idea) So I stayed away. I am very good at banishing all thoughts of Mom from my conscious mind, but my back remembers. Now Mom at 87 has alzheimer's, no short term memory and a caregiver. I think it would be cruel to tell her what I feel now. I’ve written a letter I will never send to her, but just thinking about this floods me with anxiety.

 

I have written a few letters to my mother who died 12 years ago, so obviously they aren't sent. My mother and I were very close and I loved her dearly, but she wasn't perfect. No parent is perfect. Through the journaling process I realized I shouldn't expect her to have been perfect as she was dealing with all the baggage she had grow up with, but I am fortunate because I was learning how to deal with my baggage. The anxiety will typically happen as the emotions come up to the surface and move out. Hang in there. It's well worth it.

 

I'm having quite a problem with my my emotions and my marriage. My wife is highly sensitive and everytime we talk about my symptoms or a new one shows up we end up having an argue. She says she can't understand what's going on with me and claims I'm ruining her life. After the initial trouble, she calms down quickly and retracts from everything she said.

The issue here is that this behaviour leads to more repression and rage.The last time this happened I remember my neck muscles tightening like hell so at least now I'm able to make a connection between emotions and symptoms.

Other than that our 17 years long relationship is ok and healthy but I'm really lost about what to do to break this cycle.

 

Thanks all for sharing your stories.

I agree with EileenS, no parent is perfect. Both my parents had awful childhoods, both resolved that their own kids should have better childhoods than them, which I have to say, I did, but they inadvertently did or said things that affected the way I grew up and how I saw myself that has contributed to my TMS.

My father constantly made me feel like I was never good or tough enough, and my mum gave me her anxiety (thanks Mum & Dad!). But luckily they both loved me, it was just our particular brand of family dysfunction.

When I was in my early twenties I challenged them a bit about their parenting skills, more so my dad. Maybe I didn't do it enough. But they've both mellowed now and are in their 70s so I'm not sure how constructive it would be to tell them exactly where they went wrong and how they were a bad parent.

But I can at least do this in my mind - which is where the journaling helps - and I can also be assertive and stay respectful when they happen to push my buttons today. So though I'm no psychologist, with respect to your mother MrPositive, I don't think you lose anything by not challenging your mum about your childhood when she's in this frail state. You can still get benefits from doing this in your imagination and/or journaling.

Fernando, that sounds like a difficult situation to navigate. Have you ever tried couples counselling? I have, and it's been a real help.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. We attended psychotherapy together 3 years ago but I was there more as a "shoulder" since she was going through a periodo of moderate depression, so it wasn´t actually a couple counselling, may be a good idea.

I bolded a part of your post because that's exactly the same way my wife was raised. She never did something well, every single thing was subject to improvement, very little appraisal, and extremely anxious parents, she didn´t develop any serious TMS though.