awakenings
Newcomer
I so wanna be brief here but I know I will be the opposite . . .
Struggled greatly w/mental health from about age 11 on and have received yrs and yrs of various psych help/modalities. Very much a perfectionist and people pleaser but often difficult towards my parents in childhood. Fathers side of family is full of severe addiction, abuse and mental health struggles but overall my parents were very involved, loving and supportive. I do think my fathers shame and damage from his own childhood greatly influenced the dynamic in our home though. I spiraled out of control w/drugs and alcohol by early 20s. Up until around age 11 was an overachiever academically and in athletics, considered very pretty by others and popular w/peers and teachers. After that fell into a pretty wild lifestyle, dropped out of school, pregnant and in volatile marriage by 18. I voluntarily entered therapy and 12 step groups around 25, got a divorce and filed for 2nd bankruptcy. I threw myself into healing and 12 step community. I devoured books and materials on spirituality and psychologically and started community college and loved all of it. Initially, mentally at least, I grew leaps and bounds but still struggled in key adult areas I found very shameful like being able to hold jobs and wake up to alarms and bouts of severe depression. Deep, unrelenting, toxic shame feels like it is the root of many of my issues. No glaring family physical or emotional abuse but some sexual that occurred around 11 and a vague feeling that maybe some when very young but have accepted that I may never really know.
Around that same time, physical health problems started. Diagnosed w/fibro after a trip to dr for chronic neck and shoulder pain around 22. By 26/27 gallstones and had gallbladder removed, low fever for mths on end, new migraines and Bell's Palsey, severe brain fog, sleep studies showing varying disturbances, CFS/ME diagnosis, gastro disturbances, lots of cysts and boils and huge, quick weight gain for various reasons but at least in part to a ridiculous amount of psych drugs. Have been in therapy the bulk of my adult life and therapists have always seen me as someone with a ton of personal insight and a willingness to "do the work." Around 26/27 a therapist encouraged me to apply for disability so I could focus on my healing because every failure at a job seemed to set me back further and further emotionally. I am 47 and have been on disability this whole time and have a lot of shame about it.
Throughout that time my progress physically and mentally has waxed and waned greatly. I went on to a respected university on a writing scholarship and was considered a gifted writer who everyone thought had a future in it. I dropped out and never received a degree. Have written on and off since then but never as seriously as I did when in school. One interesting note about my writing is that it is very personal nonfiction where I am very transparent about my life, pain and mistakes. I often hear from others that they are blown away by my ability to be so honest about my struggles and create art out of "dark/shadow parts." I've had a few very p/t time jobs in this last decade and they both felt like they took absolutely everything out of me and I was only able to keep them for any length of time because of their extreme flexibility. I coasted along w/no big physical health changes most of this time.
Over the last 5 yrs or so all kinds of new stuff has popped up. Severe dysautonomia with POTS like and ANS symptoms being the worst. PCOS, megloblastic anemia, hEDS . . . all very physical, measurable manifestations that have greatly deteriorated my quality of life and ability to function. About 6 or 7 yrs into it I left 12 step groups but never abandoned therapy of various forms and spiritual and mind/body work. I have practiced various forms of meditation, inner child and shadow work, breathwork, psychedelic therapies, EMDR with multiple therapists, dream work, a little bodywork but can rarely afford it and a million other things on learning to love yourself, shame, family and childhood trauma, the power of positive thinking, etc. I've tried the route of simply stepping away from all "the work" and simply living but always find myself getting worse in one way or another.
There is something very scary for me at times during meditation or when I used to work w/psychedelic's . . . like the second I get near a place of real surrender or letting go an absolute terror shoots through me and I instinctively yank myself out of the meditation or would end up on a "bad trip." Something in me holds back, refuses to go there, no matter how much I think I consciously want to. It feels like there's a dark hole in my unconscious body that is never going to let me in no matter how much I cajole it, love it, accept it, try to convince it that I'm a very knowledgeable big girl now who can protect my young self and handle what its trying to protect me from but that I so appreciate all its done to try and keep me safe. I think that's where the worst of the shame/anger/fear lives. I don't believe I need to know the root of all that shame/fear but am not consciously adverse to knowing.
I've had extreme stress and trauma the last few yrs that started shortly before the autonomic and neuro symptoms began that I know sent my symptoms through the roof. Lots of death and illness in my family, a child w/serious and scary mental health issues, natural disaster, and a crumbling, somewhat abusive marriage and absolutely no friends or emotional support system. I recently took my daughter and moved to a different state with almost no $ to start fresh in a small community that is full of people that understand the value of living less stressful lives and the mind/body connection and also values the arts and has lots of writing group opportunities. I know it's the right place for us. Unfortunately my autonomic symptoms and years of feeling like a failure leave me so anxious that it's very exhausting and humiliating to socialize but I am trying. I got more serious about caring for my body through meditation and movement and almost immediately started blowing out joints due to this new hEDS diagnosis which isn't something I've dealt w/before. I found a psychologist and a physical Dr who take Medicare but still very much believe in and treat from a mind/body perspective which is a pretty rare combo. I'm writing some again. I'm at the beginning of trying to address my diet simply because I believe the body and brain will work best when it's getting the appropriate raw materials which I've never really given it.
My new Dr immediately said he wants me to read Dr Sarno, which I did yrs ago and am now doing again. I do believe in what he says but wasn't able to make the program work for me. I absolutely believe so many of my issues are a result of my unconscious brain choosing the route of physical pain over psychological pain (which is a bit ironic considering how much psych pain I've dealt with) and whatever's left could probably be handled by giving my body more movement and the right raw materials rather than Taco Bell and Netflix. But what does someone like me, who believes that, who's done so much work, who understands the craftiness of the subconscious but still can't find a way to heal all the self-sabotage or love the subconscious into loosening the reigns on some of this, do? There is still a very vulnerable, terrified part of me that just refuses to let all this take root. I can feel her. I even know exactly where she lives in my body. There are so many women I loved in my life who never made it past 40 and 50. I don't think I'm doomed to that outcome but I do feel time ticking to a degree. I want some fruits from all this labor. I believe it's very possible for the last leg of my journey to be the most fulfilling. I want my daughters (and myself) to really see that healing and joy are possible even when it doesn't look like it.
I don't know exactly why I posted this book here lol. I just know that all the trauma of the last few yrs pushed me back into paying more attention to that small, still inner voice again and helped me be brave enough to make this fresh start, that led me to this new town, that led me to these new Drs that led me back to Dr Sarno's work so I believe there is a reason for it, that I'm supposed to pay attention to it, so here I am, trying to pay attention, asking for the thoughts and experiences of others that may be helpful to me in some way.
Struggled greatly w/mental health from about age 11 on and have received yrs and yrs of various psych help/modalities. Very much a perfectionist and people pleaser but often difficult towards my parents in childhood. Fathers side of family is full of severe addiction, abuse and mental health struggles but overall my parents were very involved, loving and supportive. I do think my fathers shame and damage from his own childhood greatly influenced the dynamic in our home though. I spiraled out of control w/drugs and alcohol by early 20s. Up until around age 11 was an overachiever academically and in athletics, considered very pretty by others and popular w/peers and teachers. After that fell into a pretty wild lifestyle, dropped out of school, pregnant and in volatile marriage by 18. I voluntarily entered therapy and 12 step groups around 25, got a divorce and filed for 2nd bankruptcy. I threw myself into healing and 12 step community. I devoured books and materials on spirituality and psychologically and started community college and loved all of it. Initially, mentally at least, I grew leaps and bounds but still struggled in key adult areas I found very shameful like being able to hold jobs and wake up to alarms and bouts of severe depression. Deep, unrelenting, toxic shame feels like it is the root of many of my issues. No glaring family physical or emotional abuse but some sexual that occurred around 11 and a vague feeling that maybe some when very young but have accepted that I may never really know.
Around that same time, physical health problems started. Diagnosed w/fibro after a trip to dr for chronic neck and shoulder pain around 22. By 26/27 gallstones and had gallbladder removed, low fever for mths on end, new migraines and Bell's Palsey, severe brain fog, sleep studies showing varying disturbances, CFS/ME diagnosis, gastro disturbances, lots of cysts and boils and huge, quick weight gain for various reasons but at least in part to a ridiculous amount of psych drugs. Have been in therapy the bulk of my adult life and therapists have always seen me as someone with a ton of personal insight and a willingness to "do the work." Around 26/27 a therapist encouraged me to apply for disability so I could focus on my healing because every failure at a job seemed to set me back further and further emotionally. I am 47 and have been on disability this whole time and have a lot of shame about it.
Throughout that time my progress physically and mentally has waxed and waned greatly. I went on to a respected university on a writing scholarship and was considered a gifted writer who everyone thought had a future in it. I dropped out and never received a degree. Have written on and off since then but never as seriously as I did when in school. One interesting note about my writing is that it is very personal nonfiction where I am very transparent about my life, pain and mistakes. I often hear from others that they are blown away by my ability to be so honest about my struggles and create art out of "dark/shadow parts." I've had a few very p/t time jobs in this last decade and they both felt like they took absolutely everything out of me and I was only able to keep them for any length of time because of their extreme flexibility. I coasted along w/no big physical health changes most of this time.
Over the last 5 yrs or so all kinds of new stuff has popped up. Severe dysautonomia with POTS like and ANS symptoms being the worst. PCOS, megloblastic anemia, hEDS . . . all very physical, measurable manifestations that have greatly deteriorated my quality of life and ability to function. About 6 or 7 yrs into it I left 12 step groups but never abandoned therapy of various forms and spiritual and mind/body work. I have practiced various forms of meditation, inner child and shadow work, breathwork, psychedelic therapies, EMDR with multiple therapists, dream work, a little bodywork but can rarely afford it and a million other things on learning to love yourself, shame, family and childhood trauma, the power of positive thinking, etc. I've tried the route of simply stepping away from all "the work" and simply living but always find myself getting worse in one way or another.
There is something very scary for me at times during meditation or when I used to work w/psychedelic's . . . like the second I get near a place of real surrender or letting go an absolute terror shoots through me and I instinctively yank myself out of the meditation or would end up on a "bad trip." Something in me holds back, refuses to go there, no matter how much I think I consciously want to. It feels like there's a dark hole in my unconscious body that is never going to let me in no matter how much I cajole it, love it, accept it, try to convince it that I'm a very knowledgeable big girl now who can protect my young self and handle what its trying to protect me from but that I so appreciate all its done to try and keep me safe. I think that's where the worst of the shame/anger/fear lives. I don't believe I need to know the root of all that shame/fear but am not consciously adverse to knowing.
I've had extreme stress and trauma the last few yrs that started shortly before the autonomic and neuro symptoms began that I know sent my symptoms through the roof. Lots of death and illness in my family, a child w/serious and scary mental health issues, natural disaster, and a crumbling, somewhat abusive marriage and absolutely no friends or emotional support system. I recently took my daughter and moved to a different state with almost no $ to start fresh in a small community that is full of people that understand the value of living less stressful lives and the mind/body connection and also values the arts and has lots of writing group opportunities. I know it's the right place for us. Unfortunately my autonomic symptoms and years of feeling like a failure leave me so anxious that it's very exhausting and humiliating to socialize but I am trying. I got more serious about caring for my body through meditation and movement and almost immediately started blowing out joints due to this new hEDS diagnosis which isn't something I've dealt w/before. I found a psychologist and a physical Dr who take Medicare but still very much believe in and treat from a mind/body perspective which is a pretty rare combo. I'm writing some again. I'm at the beginning of trying to address my diet simply because I believe the body and brain will work best when it's getting the appropriate raw materials which I've never really given it.
My new Dr immediately said he wants me to read Dr Sarno, which I did yrs ago and am now doing again. I do believe in what he says but wasn't able to make the program work for me. I absolutely believe so many of my issues are a result of my unconscious brain choosing the route of physical pain over psychological pain (which is a bit ironic considering how much psych pain I've dealt with) and whatever's left could probably be handled by giving my body more movement and the right raw materials rather than Taco Bell and Netflix. But what does someone like me, who believes that, who's done so much work, who understands the craftiness of the subconscious but still can't find a way to heal all the self-sabotage or love the subconscious into loosening the reigns on some of this, do? There is still a very vulnerable, terrified part of me that just refuses to let all this take root. I can feel her. I even know exactly where she lives in my body. There are so many women I loved in my life who never made it past 40 and 50. I don't think I'm doomed to that outcome but I do feel time ticking to a degree. I want some fruits from all this labor. I believe it's very possible for the last leg of my journey to be the most fulfilling. I want my daughters (and myself) to really see that healing and joy are possible even when it doesn't look like it.
I don't know exactly why I posted this book here lol. I just know that all the trauma of the last few yrs pushed me back into paying more attention to that small, still inner voice again and helped me be brave enough to make this fresh start, that led me to this new town, that led me to these new Drs that led me back to Dr Sarno's work so I believe there is a reason for it, that I'm supposed to pay attention to it, so here I am, trying to pay attention, asking for the thoughts and experiences of others that may be helpful to me in some way.
What I found really refreshing from someone who seems to have literally tried everything, and who could so easily give up, is your decision to start fresh and give it another try and ask for help doing so. That's a lot of strength right there. 