Help me, help my partner. Please.

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Help, please.



My partner has TMS and, as a double whammy, Health Anxiety. So, not only does his TMS cause him the pain his Health Anxiety then kicks in and he goes into a complete meltdown as he believes he has cancer (of whatever area the pain happens to be in). So far we have had: brain tumour/cancer, oesophageal cancer, prostate and currently it is bladder. He has also, in the past, believed he had MS. One then obviously feeds the other.



Over the years he has been through a myriad of tests and doctors for a variety of ailments. All showing up as either negative or inconclusive (inconclusive are particularly unhelpful as they just exacerbate his fears that something has been missed).



He is currently suffering from bladder pain and a feeling of not fully emptying his bladder. He feels that there is a blockage and has convinced himself that he has bladder cancer. He has been diagnosed with Prostatitis in the past but insists that "this is different" - as it always is.



He has reluctantly acknowledged that he has Health Anxiety and that he "catastrophises" events however he has not yet had the "eureka" moment of accepting that the pain is caused due to TMS and so has not started any self-help towards addressing it. He has read (at my prompting) the Mindbody Prescription, The Divided Mind and also The Great Pain Deception. However, I believe he reads them with only half an eye open because he still has that voice in his head telling him that pain that bad cannot be caused by his mind alone.



I have tried rationalising with him as well as (I will admit) losing my temper with him but to no avail. I have shown him (what I consider to be) the obvious patterns in his behaviour during a TMS episode, I have also shown him that there is a direct correlation with stressful events in his life. He simply will not accept that it is due to TMS.



What can I do to help him AND me to get through this?



Help, please.

 

[plum]

Help, please.



My partner has TMS and, as a double whammy, Health Anxiety. So, not only does his TMS cause him the pain his Health Anxiety then kicks in and he goes into a complete meltdown as he believes he has cancer (of whatever area the pain happens to be in). So far we have had: brain tumour/cancer, oesophageal cancer, prostate and currently it is bladder. He has also, in the past, believed he had MS. One then obviously feeds the other.



Over the years he has been through a myriad of tests and doctors for a variety of ailments. All showing up as either negative or inconclusive (inconclusive are particularly unhelpful as they just exacerbate his fears that something has been missed).



He is currently suffering from bladder pain and a feeling of not fully emptying his bladder. He feels that there is a blockage and has convinced himself that he has bladder cancer. He has been diagnosed with Prostatitis in the past but insists that "this is different" - as it always is.



He has reluctantly acknowledged that he has Health Anxiety and that he "catastrophises" events however he has not yet had the "eureka" moment of accepting that the pain is caused due to TMS and so has not started any self-help towards addressing it. He has read (at my prompting) the Mindbody Prescription, The Divided Mind and also The Great Pain Deception. However, I believe he reads them with only half an eye open because he still has that voice in his head telling him that pain that bad cannot be caused by his mind alone.



I have tried rationalising with him as well as (I will admit) losing my temper with him but to no avail. I have shown him (what I consider to be) the obvious patterns in his behaviour during a TMS episode, I have also shown him that there is a direct correlation with stressful events in his life. He simply will not accept that it is due to TMS.



What can I do to help him AND me to get through this?



Help, please.

Angel,

The best and most important thing you can do is love him and do your very best to support him through learning to overcome his fears. I don't think you can impose the TMS healing philosophy upon him. Healing is a profoundly personal and internally generated magic and you cannot help or heal someone else by trying to bend them to your will, even if your intention is good. I say this as a long term carer and TMS veteran. People have to want to heal themselves and even then it's incredibly challenging. People flat out fight impositions and this only generates more stress. I wish I had a magic wand that could transform your situation but experience has taught me it is more compassionate (and less infuriating) to let people find their own way. You can lead a person to knowledge but you cannot make them think.

I think what you can do is gently work on his health anxiety. A lot of people here have that and hopefully one of them will weigh in with some thoughts and wisdom.

I suggest you explore the excellent work of Dr. Claire Weekes who is the patron saint of anxiety sufferers. She is also a great covert TMS teacher so this may be a subtle way of introducing the concept in a way that is more relevant. If you are interested I'll post a link to some free audio resources.

My last thoughts are for you. This is the kinda situation that can create lots of stress so take time to look after yourself, apply the TMS healing in your own life, lead by gentle example. This is very powerful, holistic and kind.

If he does decide to explore TMS there are a couple of brilliant programs here. One is structured and based on Sarno and journaling while the other is more neuropsychologically based and less about repressed emotions.

Wishing you both the very best.

Plum

 

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Thank you so very much for replying.

Any links you can post would be gratefully received.

I am trying so hard to be patient and let him find his own way.....I am definitely going to follow your advice and make sure I look after me too though!!

This is so hard but I’m sure we’ll come through it eventually.

Thank you again.

 

[plum]

Thank you so very much for replying.

Any links you can post would be gratefully received.

I am trying so hard to be patient and let him find his own way.....I am definitely going to follow your advice and make sure I look after me too though!!

This is so hard but I’m sure we’ll come through it eventually.

Thank you again.

Bless you. The cultivation of patience is something I'm elevating to an art form. Quite seriously, it is a truly beautiful discipline that reaches hearts and changes minds. It enables you to see into the soul, flaws and all of the human before you. And where that fails a punch bag does well

Here are a couple of links to Claire Weekes.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/claire-weekes-audio.2569/ (Claire Weekes Audio)

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Overcome_Anxiety_with_Dr._Claire_Weekes (Overcome Anxiety with Dr. Claire Weekes)

Sometimes we have to hold the Faith of another. It's quite an honour really. I know it's hard. And awful, wretched, tragic and vexing but there are some shining moments along the way. My relationship is transformed beyond recognition and it's had some bloody tough trials to endure.

Find your centre, ground yourself, and nurture anything that gives you peace and pleasure. This forum is an excellent resource and place of friendship and support so don't be shy in seeking help and comfort.

Take immensely good care of yourself.

Plum x

 

[Ftaghn!]

So, this is particularly touching to me for a particular reason: hypochondria was by far my most severe symptom, and I would accept the most severe symptoms to avoid having to go through it again. I had to miss school, had relationships ruined, considered suicide, and as a side effect, became unusually educated on multiple sclerosis and cancer.

Then one day, it just disappeared. It literally lifted. I think I debated it into non-sense. Back then, I came to the conclusion that obsession over weird body stuff was making the weird body stuff worse, then I thought "If I have anything, I'll address it when it becomes relevant.". I had to read, over and over, whenever my anxiety exploded, about the patterns my brain was stuck in. And it got better.

That was before I knew about TMS of course, and then it moved on to other things.