help me change it up

[eskimoeskimo]

Hi y'all,

Somehow I'm still not connecting with any healing. I've got ample evidence that my pain, etc is psychologically induced, but even after all this time on the Sarno beat... I've made no progress. Despite my best efforts, I remain entirely obsessed with, afraid of, frustrated by, focused on, the pain in my neck. And I'm sure, many of you will read that previous sentence and say "there's the reason you're still in pain right there." But I really and truly haven't figured out how to deconstruct any of those elements. It seems like all of my attempts - which I should mention often includes 'trying less' as well - get me deeper down the rabbit hole.

I'm looking for any new ways to look at this thing. I've got to get creative, and I need your help. When it comes down to it, I'm still totally lost as to what it really means to accept, outcome independence, etc. How can I reorient this fear? As it stands, my fear and anger and upset are running rampant.

Thanks,
Eskimo

 

[Ellen]

Hi Eskimo,
Have you tried seeing a TMS therapist? Or a therapist who is trained in Somatic Experiencing (SE)? I had my first appointment with an SE therapist today and it was very productive. Pain is no longer an issue for me, but the session helped with my other symptoms. I know @Anne Walker has written how an SE therapist helped her with chronic pain.

I think when we are stuck we need to get help from a trained professional.

 

[eskimoeskimo]

Hi Ellen,

Thanks for you response. I saw a TMS therapist for approx 1 year, and made no progress... which scares me. I mean, what the hell right? C'mon! Prior to that, I also saw other therapists on and off for approx 6 years to deal with anxiety and depression (before I lumped the physical pain in there with the rest). No relief in that area either.

Somatic Experiencing looks interesting. However, I'm afraid of starting another new modality. I've tried so many things and spent so much money - money which has all but run out. I'm going to investigate further, maybe I can pick up some of the fundamentals w/ free resources.

Thanks again,
Eskimo

 

[Boston Redsox]

ask your dr for a antidepressant to help you out for awhile

 

[eskimoeskimo]

ask your dr for a antidepressant to help you out for awhile

Hi Boston,

That's definitely the elephant in the room. I've avoided medication - to the great frustration of everyone in my life - for years. I tried a few ssris as a teenager, but I've never done a full and honest meds trial. I'm terrified of meds, but maybe it's time to admit that that too is a symptom of this whole thing and could itself be helped by meds.

Thanks

 

[blake]

Hi Eskimo,

I really feel for you. I know for myself how hard it is to be stuck, always thinking about the pain all the while knowing this is what is causing you pain. It is hell! I've been stuck in that place many, many times since discovering tms more than 18 months ago. I'm not super great at giving advice, but I've just had some insight into my own pattern that may be helpful.

One day I realized that every time the pain came back I got scared, felt guilty that I was doing tms wrong and started to try to fix it. Nothing unusual there; classic tms-fuelling behaviour. But then since I knew this was "bad" I would immediately push those feelings away, especially the fear. I would just pretend it wasn't there. Every time I did that I was in essence ignoring my inner child, her fear and her pain. And as we know, this just keeps fuelling the pain cycle. On this one occasion, I actually listened to that part of myself. I paid attention to her fear. I didn't push it away. I sat with it. And I think just the connection I felt with myself opened something up in me, because for the very first time I was able to comfort myself about the pain. I reassured myself that it was only tms and used the self talk people talk about. Then I got it: I still felt the neck pain, but I also felt much calmer. Every time those fear thoughts came back, I dealt with myself in a super gentle way. Eventually the pain left, which has been nice.

The next time I get stuck, I will try to remember not to fear my fear of tms. For me the key has been connecting with and fully accepting the fear.

But do keep at it. You have it in you to heal!

Blake

 

[eskimoeskimo]

Hi Eskimo,

I really feel for you. I know for myself how hard it is to be stuck, always thinking about the pain all the while knowing this is what is causing you pain. It is hell! I've been stuck in that place many, many times since discovering tms more than 18 months ago. I'm not super great at giving advice, but I've just had some insight into my own pattern that may be helpful.

One day I realized that every time the pain came back I got scared, felt guilty that I was doing tms wrong and started to try to fix it. Nothing unusual there; classic tms-fuelling behaviour. But then since I knew this was "bad" I would immediately push those feelings away, especially the fear. I would just pretend it wasn't there. Every time I did that I was in essence ignoring my inner child, her fear and her pain. And as we know, this just keeps fuelling the pain cycle. On this one occasion, I actually listened to that part of myself. I paid attention to her fear. I didn't push it away. I sat with it. And I think just the connection I felt with myself opened something up in me, because for the very first time I was able to comfort myself about the pain. I reassured myself that it was only tms and used the self talk people talk about. Then I got it: I still felt the neck pain, but I also felt much calmer. Every time those fear thoughts came back, I dealt with myself in a super gentle way. Eventually the pain left, which has been nice.

The next time I get stuck, I will try to remember not to fear my fear of tms. For me the key has been connecting with and fully accepting the fear.

But do keep at it. You have it in you to heal!

Blake

Blake, your message was very helpful. The way you describe what it's like, in paragraph two, hits home. It's like I have a way of turning absolutely everything into TMS behavior. I do meditation in a tms-y way, I do journaling in a tms-y way, I try too hard in a tms-y way, I even try less in a tms-y way. By the way, my initials - my real, non-hyperbolic, actual initials - are T.M.S.. I've had a few tiny moments (maybe 20 minutes each year total), windows of clarity, when everything just sort of... softened up... physically and mentally. But I'll be damned if I know the recipe for tapping into that. I'll try communing with the fear as you describe.

Also, congrats on your success; it's brought me some hope.

Thanks,
Eskimo

 

[blake]

Yes, exactly, everything becomes about tms. For me the process is starting to be about accepting exactly where I am- this means accepting the fear, the negativity, the depressed mood and everything.

About depression, which is something I've struggled with my whole adult life. One day, I was feeling really depressed, thinking it was time to book an appt with my Dr for anti-depressants. This thought made me even more depressed - depressed about being depressed! Then I said to myself: I'm depressed, so what! So what! What is so terrible about being depressed? I still felt depressed after that, but at least I no linger felt like a big loser for feeling that way.

I also have a deal with myself that if my mood goes too low for more than a few days, I will go on anti-depressants. That's a way for me to show myself compassion. I haven't needed to do it yet, but knowing that I can makes me feel reassured.

 

[Boston Redsox]

great advice

 

[Boston Redsox]

also depression is no joke and i dont believe its a tms equivalent talk to your dr and tell him what's gooding on. you would use a crutch if u broke your leg

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

I think just about everyone gets depressed at times. Christmas and New Years are champions for making many people feel depressed.
For inspiration, take a look at my ongoing post where famous people remember their favorite Christmas. You can find it by scrolling down on page 2 of the General Discussion forum.

Even Mother Teresa was discouraged at times and even doubted Jesus and God. But she kept doing good work and I just read that the Pope is going to make her a saint. So if she could overcome depression, I believe so can you and I.

Merry ho ho!