Help, hard pushing through

My TMS journey has only really just begun about a month ago.Started very positive, but am having real trouble practising outcome independence especially with the drop-Foot I am lugging about. My world has become so small over the past three years and my mobility so taxing and whilst I know this will not go overnight ( I have suffered with anxiety all my adult life), I am finding this particular patch very trying. My impatience is taking me over through my desire to get my life back. Enough is enough I really don't want to live like this. (Today I fell because my stick slipped on the paving in my garden and I am now concerned I have made things even worse)

Now I know this is counter TMS Recovery because this frustration is adding pressure and anxiety, but I am at a loss how to focus on the endgame and not to be driven down by these thoughts. Inside I am screaming - "Enough is enough!!". I want to be well.

Any advice??

 

Maybe you need to take a little break from your TMS work. It sounds like you're throwing yourself in full tilt, and it can indeed be frustrating when result come slower than we'd like. Are you doing enough to nourish yourself along the way?

 

From a practical symptomatic viewpoint, I use a Leki Micro cane, it has a carbide tip under the removable rubber tip. It works great on slippery surfaces or when hiking. It's a great tool, I would keep it around even if I didn't have a hobble for it's usefulness, and in the big city with all the bums around it comes in handy to keep them at bay.

 

Hi billiewells,

You might start by really acknowledging and feeling your feelings about what you are experiencing. Sometimes just allowing the rage and tears can be a real relief to the nervous system. You are practicing being real! What a relief.

Sometimes people doing TMS work feel they cannot explore their fear of the pain, and many other common feelings, because the "program" has "guidelines" that restrict "going there" in their minds. The bottom line is "be real, feel it, explore it, inquire into how your Inner Child feels about the situation." There are no rules. I hope this might help. I know you are suffering about your TMS pain, and I hope things improve.

Andy B.

 

Hi, Billiewells. The cane that Tennis Tom recommends sounds great. I use a standard rubber-tipped cane and it helps me and I am 85 now.
For anyone not wanting to be seen with a cane, I suggest a walking stick with a rubber tip on the bottom. People think you're a hiker.

It's okay to scream, even out loud. I do at times when the frustration or anger gets to me, but find that laughing works even better. I laugh at how f--king life can be at times. Then I remember how great it can be. As my brother four years older than I said before he died four years ago, "It was fun while it lasted." He hastened it by smoking and drinking, but also by his anger. He was angry because he was passed over at work for a promotion to move up from assistant head of the accounting department to take over as head when that man retired. He said it was from nepotism since the job went to a relative of his boss, but I believe he was not promoted because he refused to use a computer. He worked for a top insurance company and they believed in computers while he didn't. He just didn't keep up with the times in his occupation.

There is goes again, my f--king computer keeps freezing. I want to scream!

 

BW, it sounds like talking with a TMS practitioner would be helpful for you, are you aware of who and where they are in the UK?

 

Thank you all for replying to my post, I am very grateful. I didn't reply through ignorance but due to an extremely unpleasant episode on Thursday night. Went to bed, woke up middle of night with urgency to go to the loo, terrible bowel movement, woke up after passsing out on floor. Live alone. Called neighbours. Ambulance called. All vitals checked ecg, blood sugar etc etc all good. they thought I had eaten something, had explosive reaction, blood pressure dropped and fainted. Physically my bowel fine but my confidence shot.

In fact terrified of this happening again. Doc came to see me and said all readouts were fine from paramedics and was a one off. I felt beaten up before I wrote this post and now I have slipped further. In terms of my feelings Andy I am terrified, frustrated, miss the love and warmth that used to surround me and very alone. My walking is dreadful, not through pain but because of loss of muscle in leg and dorsiflexion issues/dropfoot.

I shall be spending Xmas on my own, which is v challenging, although rationally I know it s just another day.

 

Hi, billiewells. You went through a very bad experience but think about it as a one-time thing. You have been checked out and are physically okay.
I am 85 and live alone (except for my darling dog Annie and we are both senior citizens now). I've spent many an Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's alone and got used to it. My sister and brother and their families are all too busy to see me on holidays, and I don'rt drive anymore or can't afford a taxi to get to them and they all live about an hour away from me in either direction. Anyway, I spend holidays grateful to remember those when I was with loved ones, whether family or friends. Feel comforted in knowing you are really not alone. God is with you. So am I !

 

Thank you Walt x

 

Hi. My ex husband once had an episode like this about 15 years ago and it turned out to be an anxiety attack. I know, very strange anxiety attack. This was years ago but I remember it like yesterday. He came in one afternoon and showed me his eye, which was blood red. I took a look at it and said I was calling his ophthalmologist. He said okay and went to go to the bathroom. The next thing I heard was a big thud. I found him passed out in the bathroom. I wasn't even sure if he was still alive! I called 911 and they rushed him to the hospital in an ambulance. Initially they thought it was his heart because his heart rate was very low or something. He spent 3 days in the hospital and they tested EVERYTHING. In the end, they told him it was a form of panic attack which caused a vasovagal response. He just had a burst blood vessel in his eye, but when he looked in the mirror and saw all the blood, it caused him to have high anxiety. That in turn made him feel like he urgently had to go to the bathroom and when he sat down on the toilet, he passed out. Some peoples nervous system speed up when they have a panic attack(like me) and for some people, it is just the opposite. The good news is, it never happened to him again. That is the only time he passed out. Sounds very similar to what happened to you.
Before reading your last post, I was going to respond to your earlier post on outcome independence. I know how disappointing and frustrating it can be to be doing every "right" and to not be given a break, not to get some kind of encouragement through some physical recovery. This disappointment continues to fuel the whole syndrome, providing further evidence to how difficult and elusive it all is. Hang in there. You will get a break. Find something to take the edge off a little. Try to do something that you've always really loved and enjoyed, even if it doesn't currently bring you joy. It will come back, and as it does, things will start to turn around. I know the drop foot is not fun, but is it the drop foot itself or the fear of what it potentially represents for your recovery that is the most disturbing? You have not been working on this all that long and you will get through this difficult period. One day at a time.

 

Thank you for your support, bewildered at the moment by everything. Have TMS therapy via Skype now from US but interacting with you guys on here is invaluable. Hope this dark patch will not last too long . ( it was middle of night- woke needed loo urgently dreadful diarrhoea, then woke up on floor )

 

Ps also very perceptive that recovery might be the problem - open to this but very hard to get head around. Consciously it feels I am desperate to recover, unconsciously who knows!!

 

I got an early Christmas present! Last night I stayed up until 10 pm and slept until almost 8 am without waking once or needing to pee.
Somebody Up There must like me! I know He does and He loves you all, too. Merry Christmas!