Thanks everyone. I did Day 2 exercise yesterday and it helped me pin point exactly what emotion I'm trying to repress. What was surprising to me is that I have felt that emotion several times (especially when I'm in despair), but I always rationalise out of that feeling. Because accepting it would shatter my self-image. Essentially, it is "My life as it is, is not enough. I was supposed to be so much more, but I'm not". The worst part is that I have constantly felt it for a long time, struggled hard for years to overcome everything that makes me feel this way. In fact, my life right now is about as good as it can get. This is probably the best I can achieve given what I've been through. So, the feeling that it is still not enough is extremely threatening.
Once that feeling came out into the open, there was nothing else and I immediately felt lighter. The pain is not gone yet, but I'm able to tell myself (truly for the first time) that there is nothing wrong with my body. I'm healthy. I'm not sick. That is a miracle.
I'm also telling myself that my unconscious has a right to feel that way if it wants. There is nothing I could do that will change its opinion, so I might as well let it go. It is OK for my unconscious to feel that my life is a failure. There is nothing I can do to change it. I could consciously think that this is the best I can do and live my life. Yes, it is a consolation prize in the opinion of my unconscious, but compared to what it was before, my conscious mind is happy to take this and be content.
My unconscious and I can respectfully agree to disagree on this subject. Like adults ;-)
I look forward to what Day 3 will unfold today. Thank you for all your support.