Hello please help

Hello
I don't know how to get better. I for sure have TMS. Had started with anxiety and depression many years ago but managed until two years ago when it all got a lot worse. Anxiety went off the scale after a fearful docs appointment and then an MRI scan all ok. Soon after a family huge trauma began. My son, long story but they had a baby that wasn't well during pregnancy and baby died at 5 mths old last March 2019. The whole pregnancy and life of baby very stressful and traumatic. After funeral my son has become estranged and not seen him since funeral in April 2019. I am heartbroken and gradually going downhill emotionally and physically and the fear that I have now lost my son forever is on my mind 24/7. The pain emotionally is breaking me a bit more everyday and the body pain intensified too. I can't make my son see me, we text from time to time, but the heartbreak I am feeling is slowly killing me. He lives 4 hours away from me so can easily stay away from me. I know he is grieving but has all her family support around him which is good of course but I am so alone with it all. As I can't resolve this I can't see how i can ever be better. Please can anyone help me? He has made it clear he doesn't want to see me or speak on phone. He has been away with girlfriends family few times but won't travel to see me. How can i move on with my life? I have completely lost my life and almost housebound with pain in both ways.

 

I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family have gone through. I can only imagine how painful it must have been for all of you. Well done for reaching out to all of us here where we, as a community, care deeply and many have experienced their own challenging journeys. Also well done for your own accurate diagnosis of what is behind your symptoms. One thing I think you could start with to relieve some of the emotional suffering initially is to start noticing the language you are using with yourself. I know it is natural to be so caught up in the grief of what is happening in your life but I can see that you are ready to take action to heal. When you use language like, 'breaking me,' 'killing me,' 'I am so alone,' 'I can't see how I can ever be better,' etc. then you are significantly affecting the way you feel in a morbid depressed kind of way. Start replacing these with more compassionate, supportive words to yourself and you will gradually notice your mood pick up.

Like you said you can't make anybody else in your life do anything but you can change the way you treat yourself. Right now you need all the love and understanding you can give yourself. If you have other support in your life I would suggest reaching out. Lifting your mood by strengthening the relationship with yourself will help the symptoms to subside.

 

Thank you so much for replying. I was on my bed sobbing and shaking with anxiety and praying to live and then decided to log in and see if anyone had replied to me, proof that my prayer worked.

Self compassion is so alien to me and have not ever done this although forced into it now. The anxiety is so hard to deal with and stops me going out plus friends just dont know what to say or do anymore so its quite difficult to be with people or them to be with me so I feel very alone and isolated and this time alone in my thoughts fuels the anxiety even more with thoughts of ' I am so alone, nobody cares, going to be alone in this house alone until I die, not going to be able to work again, will lose my home' and on and on with same thoughts everyday to exhaustion. I find meditation very difficult as my mind is running at a hundered miles an hour so its very hard to calm and listen to meditations plus my body is so tense like a wound up coil that any form of relaxation is so hard.

Everyone tells me I cant make nor demand my son sees me and that I have to be ok with me first and then maybe he will sense it and return to my life one day. It really is the most devastating pain and heartbreak I have had and I have had many losses down the years, my parents died when I was in my 20's and my husband died in 2011 although we were not together he was a huge source of support so now with my youngest son estranged from me it feels the worst and most dreaded loss that could have happened. The loss of my grandson was very very sad but he was a very sick baby and could not endure any more pain on this earth so was taken, I have peace around this, a little anyway. I do have another son who lives about 70 minutes away he has young family so busy and cant really cope with me and my anxiety and depression although he has not walked away and does his best. Its also not fair to burden him with how I am.

A long journey ahead for me to heal and hope I can share on here how it is going and be able to reach out for support. Thank you again.

 

Hi,

I'm sorry about your situation, it is hard. Yes, as birdsetfree suggested, you should reach out. To your church, or if not possible, go to therapy. See a psychotherapist and talk about this. It's going to help you tremendously. Asking for help is the first step, and it can be liberating in a way. You don't have to go for hours and hours to therapy, aim for 5-6 hours in the beginning and it might be enough. You can also speak to the therapist online/on the phone if you don't want to actually go to his/her practice.

 

Thank you Sita. I do speak to a lady from church, I had started going last year but with covid it closed, perhaps it will reopen soon. The lady from church has stayed in contact and we have met several times, she is a good support but I find myself repeating the same stuff and story to her over and over about my son and I am stuck in this loop of talking about him and how I feel. I have had a few therapists but not found one to stick with. Do you think a certain type of therapy would be helpful with what I have described? There are so many different theapists and they all do and trained in different types of therapy and it seems a minefield as to what to pick.

 

I think a therapist specialized in EMDR (for trauma, PTSD and anxiety) would be the best for you. You can find one here (see the link bellow). Just enter your zip code above on the page and you'll be able to chose from the list, therapists from your area. Or you can just choose anyone, if you prefer to talk online/on the phone so you don't have to physically go to their office. I presume you are in the US.

I worked with a therapist (she teaches EMDR to other therapists) for only a limited time (8 hours) and was extremely helpful. A dear friend recommended her. For trauma and PTSD in my case. She's not into long treatments, so only a few hours are usually enough for the patient. Very effective indeed. (I went to her office once a month for 8 months/8 hours in total).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/emdr/california?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7-zohejP6gIVlB-tBh3nYAofEAAYASAAEgKtz_D_BwE (California EMDR Therapist - EMDR Therapist California - EMDR Counseling California)

 

Thank you, it would seem quite hard to find trauma PTSD and anxiety all in one, I hope I can though. I am in the UK. A lot of therapists seem to list expertise in all areas but on speaking with some they really dont seem to understand anxiety. Perhaps they dont have to I dont know. Will have to keep searching, feel so exhausted and confused and beaten down with research.

 

This link is for UK, therapists trained in EMDR:
https://emdrassociation.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

This is also very good, just listen to it. For anxiety:

 

Self compassion is alien to most of us until we are fortunate enough to be informed. The compassion you show your children is always a good example of how to apply it to yourself. You have us now too. We care. As far as relaxing is concerned, don't worry about what everybody else does like meditation etc, find out what works for you instead by being still, turning inwards, and listen. Go inside and see yourself and soothe yourself. You are Ok. You are safe.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak about your son. It is understandable. You have had many painful losses. Your other son is a good one to reach out to and sounds like a source of support for you, you deserve it. You are on the right path now, well done.