I've had an interesting year with my health. Quite maddening. Confusing. Scary. And I've had a nice break from my normal thought pattern after listening to the Divided Mind audiobook during the long drive to stay with my folks for the holiday. It all started (on the surface) in October of 2015. During the time I had pain in my lower and upper back/neck. Some of my work involves heavy lifting, so it's a part of life. And felt normal. Though worse than it had ever been. I had an abnormally crazy year with stress and anger that I had never felt before. It felt other worldly. And I think I fried my nerves after a health scare meltdown. I went to the doctor in October 2015 complaining of back pain, odd sensations in my legs, and an odd rumbling in my tail bone. thinking the doc would blame my back, he did a very thorough neuro test and asked lots of questions. I never knew of any neurological disorders but was suddenly terrified. He didn't say what he was looking for, but was confident nothing was showing on the surface and said it was probably stress. Rewind to my previous few years of quiet rage and debilitating anxiety that I had defeated on the surface but let bubble on the inside. I went through a break up that just totally defeated me. I'd been through breakups before. Shook them off after a few months and moved on. This one was different. It felt like my soul was obliterated. She felt like the one. And she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Long story short. It didn't work out. And the gravity was something I'd never experienced before. For six months after the breakup. I would turn off my car when I got home. And just rested my head on the stearing wheel. Dreading the loneliness of walking into a lonely home. Often cussing and punching the roof of my car. Healthy to get out. But it's how I felt on the inside. Anywho. I felt like the Tasmanian devil on the inside for a solid year and a half. And that's after a lifetime of quiet rage that I buried pretty deep. So there I am in the Dr's office. After all of that time in a bad way. Being a proud dude and not admitting I wasn't feeling right. Now I really wasn't feeling right. Went home. Gave neurological diseases a quick google to reassure myself that I didn't have them. Literally. The next day. I wake up with my legs buzzing. Then I had tremors. My jaw. My hands. My legs. Internal vibrating. My tailbone was just rumbling like crazy. My system had short circuited. There was no way this wasn't a neurological disorder that I was dying from. Ended up seeing three different doctors in three weeks. One agreed to recommend me to a neurologist. Got an MRI. All clear for any physical anything. No lesions no MS. A few more follow ups with neurologists and other new doctors for 2nd 3rd 4th opinions over a years time. The general consensus was stress. And that sometimes the body just goes haywire with stress. After being recommended Sarnos early on. I didn't have interest. My main problems weren't back pain. But parasthesias. Twitching all over my body. Burning skin in different areas. Cold legs. Muscle weakness (perceived?).. And just overall health anxiety across the board. A health anxiety that occupied nearly every second of my day. Every new sensation was a death sentence. Physical evidence that my body was disintegrating. The only good news.... I wasn't heart broken or lonely anymore. I now had three or more appointments a week to help my healing. Acupuncture. Physical therapy. Therapy. Meditation. Osteopathy. Etc etc. Any who. Throughout all of those visits. I had some relief with the osteopath. My back pain was severely minimized after a few visits. But my odd sensations still remained. And some were visible. My feet often looked like a popcorn machine with twitching. Benign fasciculation syndrome they said. It was either that or a deadly neurological disorder. My subconscious decided it was the latter and the tension increased. Along with my fear and the sensations. So after listening to the divided mind, I had some revelations. And one of oxygen deprivation to the nerves and muscle was huge. That's literally what felt like was happening to my legs. On a rare occasion over the year I was able to stop the buzzing and burning with flippping a mental switch that I randomly could flip.... And I could literally feel my legs expand. Felt the blood flowing. Felt oxygen getting to where it needed. It feels the way that "feeling normal" and at ease is like. So this TMS approach seems like an area to explore. While I'm not in full on pain, I am in extreme discomfort. I need to learn how to accept the doctors all-clear-diagnosis and confront the issues in my life that have presented themselves in my body. Where do I start? A journal? A visit to a tms doc? What should I do next?