Hello! (First Post) On My Way To Recovery

[mettareader]

Hi there!

I'm introducing myself and my story. This is my first post.

9 years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 26 years old. After running my body wouldn't stop having muscle spasms. This lasted for a lonnng time as doctors were perplexed and ran tests it eventually turned into painful muscular itch and tightness. I was put on medications (that helped some) and told I was going to have to "live with it" and was sent on my way. THAT's where I thought my story starts...

Turns out after watching "This Might Hurt" and being introduced to TMS and MBS that I had been experiencing many different types of Neuroplastic Pain and Sensations over the years:
- An "invisible" fever and migraine headaches before last year of college, moving in with new roommates
- Chronic IBS-D for a year after family stress.
- Neck Pain during the pandemic
- "Hypnic Jerks" being violently woken up by my brain right before falling asleep, after my son was born.
- Back pain from stress of having a toddler.
- ETC ETC ETC... The list goes on.

Just one month ago:
I started doing Somatic Tracking after reading the book "The Way Out." I started doing pain reprocessing, and emotional expressive therapy and freeform journaling and expressing my anger and rage on the page. The evidence of TMS and MBS was too much to ignore. I had that!

Almost immediately, my back pain disappeared! I'm still going to physical therapy and asking myself "why?" Because the pain is gone. But, hey I'm getting physically fitter by doing it and I asked about discharging soon and the PT agreed. The Fibromyalgia has slowly changed, the body sensations sometimes disappearing or moving. Each time I challenge myself with something I used to avoid in my life the sensations come back and I project safety and then I do that thing again and it's gone or minimal. MY IBS is disappearing one food at a time. I had Ice Cream the other day. Since I was in my early 20s I was pretty sure I would never have it again. I had a bagel with cream cheese and wasn't huddled over the toilet! I'm freaking running again! After 9 years I started with 15 seconds and had 3 days of pain. But I hung in there and after a month and a half I'm up to 5 minutes and 20 seconds of running. Training my mind and body that it's safe.

I have one more giant hurdle. That I hadn't even considered was connected to my pain. I didn't even know or realize I had a problem with pornography until I tried to stop. It's a full on addiction. My wife has no idea. I think the shame and secrecy of it is the last BIG thing standing in my way to even further reducing or eliminating my pain. The way that this particular addiction effects the brain might also have something to do with it. Would love to ask a TMS practitioner.

Thanks for reading this!

 

[Diana-M]

Hi @mettareader
What a great success story! Good for you! It must feel great to finally get relief. It’s good you recognize your last major hurdle. I think that’s a sign you will find your way out of this too. I know there are lots of resources out there. Even a regular psychotherapist could help you. It will be great to not have any secrets. I think that, too, can cause stress.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

It's a full on addiction. My wife has no idea. I think the shame and secrecy of it is the last BIG thing standing in my way to even further reducing or eliminating my pain. The way that this particular addiction effects the brain might also have something to do with it. Would love to ask a TMS practitioner.

I think it's more the former than the latter (although I'm not questioning that pornography has some impact on the brain). TMS is very often wrapped in guilt and shame. Well done on all your progress it sounded spot on your strategy!

 

[mettareader]

I think it's more the former than the latter (although I'm not questioning that pornography has some impact on the brain). TMS is very often wrapped in guilt and shame. Well done on all your progress it sounded spot on your strategy!

Thank you for weighing in Adam! At one point I had “relapsed” after some time away from porn and the pain came back with some vengeance in the first 3 days afterward. I can’t tell if it’s the shame or guilt or the brain changes or both. Because they say that porn addiction (like many addictions) is a half step off being a “stress disorder” in that it physically alters the brain and changes your fight or flight mechanisms in the brain, which also seems like a TMS thing.

I think it really doesn’t matter does it? At the end of the day it sounds like this 100% does have to do with my TMS and that both have an effect.

 

[mettareader]

Hi @mettareader
What a great success story! Good for you! It must feel great to finally get relief. It’s good you recognize your last major hurdle. I think that’s a sign you will find your way out of this too. I know there are lots of resources out there. Even a regular psychotherapist could help you. It will be great to not have any secrets. I think that, too, can cause stress.

hi Diana!

I do have a therapist and now have joined an anonymous community that includes live meetings to talk about the addiction and that has helped with the isolation and shame immensely!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Because they say that porn addiction (like many addictions) is a half step off being a “stress disorder” in that it physically alters the brain and changes your fight or flight mechanisms in the brain, which also seems like a TMS thing

I think it's the guilt - pornography would alter your dopamine for sure - but often it's a crutch for other stress (like fast food or smoking as other examples), so I would expect it to actually make you feel better (at least in the short term) - I doubt your brain would change too much three days in. That instant reaction of symptoms to the activity points towards it being the guilt to me (that would be faster acting).

The only way I see it mattering is that I do see in recovery quite often people lean on the neuroscience too much. What I mean by that is they say "my brain is doing this" and what that does is it causes separation between me and my brain - then there's a built in excuse because someone can say "well it's my brain doing all of this stuff and I can't help it" or "I believe but I just can't get my brain to believe". That's not to say it's your fault or anyone's fault (and I respect the neuroscience + I don't blame anyone for what happened to them in the past), but we have a massive amount of influence over our brains (our brains are a big part of us) - a lot of the time our brain is merely reacting to what we're consciously doing (and vice versa of course). That's all to say that if it's the guilt then you will likely feel as if you have a lot more influence, compared to it being a potentially complex brain reaction that can be ambiguous. That matters less if you want to remove the activity completely, but I'll discuss that next.

It also matters in the sense that (and if it's an addiction then obviously it's healthy to address it) I think (at least when it comes to symptoms) addressing your relationship to pornography is far more important than simply eliminating the action itself. You might want to eliminate pornography completely anyway (fair enough, that's a separate argument) - but being hard on yourself and thinking you must quit might actually make your guilt worse. TMS really exists because of a deficit of self-compassion - so is it self-compassionate to judge yourself for the activity or instead give yourself compassion and understanding as to why you need it (assuming that it's not something you want to do - some people would be perfectly happy engaging in the activity). I assume this would be the focus of addiction recovery, but I want you to give yourself a break and address what's underneath the addiction - don't let that be lost in any guilt

 

[mettareader]

I think it's the guilt -

The only way I see it mattering is that I do see in recovery quite often people lean on the neuroscience too much. What I mean by that is they say "my brain is doing this" and what that does is it causes separation between me and my brain - then there's a built in excuse because someone can say "well it's my brain doing all of this stuff and I can't help it" or "I believe but I just can't get my brain to believe". That's not to say it's your fault or anyone's fault (and I respect the neuroscience + I don't blame anyone for what happened to them in the past), but we have a massive amount of influence over our brains (our brains are a big part of us) - a lot of the time our brain is merely reacting to what we're consciously doing (and vice versa of course). That's all to say that if it's the guilt then you will likely feel as if you have a lot more influence, compared to it being a potentially complex brain reaction that can be ambiguous.

This second paragraph resonated with me so much! And understanding that what's likely in my control is that guilt part. Especially from the perspective of TMS and MBS. I do have the perspective of "i have control over my brain and how the neuroscience plays out through my own actions, thoughts, and behaviors." So, it isn't to say that I'm potentially separating the me from my brain too much. But this was incredibly helpful! And actually made me feel more agency and control as I read it over what happens.

My goal is still to eliminate it. Not in some kind of "never have self-pleasure again" way. But in a "you've used this specific thing to distract from life and pain." And I really like what you said about "healing your relationship with it." Because I've been thinking of it as an exorcism of this thing in my life, but maybe it's slightly more complicated than that.

Thank you!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

So, it isn't to say that I'm potentially separating the me from my brain too much. But this was incredibly helpful! And actually made me feel more agency and control as I read it over what happens.

Perfect!

But in a "you've used this specific thing to distract from life and pain."

I think that's absolutely the way to look at it - you're welcome

 

[Diana-M]

hi Diana!

I do have a therapist and now have joined an anonymous community that includes live meetings to talk about the addiction and that has helped with the isolation and shame immensely!

You’re doing great! You are loving yourself to do all this work. You’re healing! So happy for you!

 

[BloodMoon]

My goal is still to eliminate it. Not in some kind of "never have self-pleasure again" way. But in a "you've used this specific thing to distract from life and pain."

I had a seriously destructive eating addiction (binge eating) which essentially wasn't about greed; it was about self-soothing and distraction from life and mental pain and then physical pain (it started when I was just 7 years old). When the thing you are addicted to is what's considered to be a pleasurable part of normal, everyday life, it can be especially tough. But you're doing the work and it is eminently doable. You can achieve your goal!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

You're already making quick strides, @mettareader! From this

The way that this particular addiction effects the brain might also have something to do with it.

To this

I think it really doesn’t matter does it? At the end of the day it sounds like this 100% does have to do with my TMS and that both have an effect.

The thing to keep in mind is that the TMS mechanism is always active in our brains, and will remain so during our lifetimes, because it's supposed to be a survival mechanism. One which works for s*** in the modern world, so we have to figure out how to get around its tricks. One of the most common distractions of TMS is in making us believe that our particular manifestation of symptoms is unique and requires special attention and treatment before we can recover. Your realization above that it doesn't really matter is a tool that you can have ready and use in the future every time TMS tries to distract you into believing that "this" time is different and you won't be able to recover again. Don't believe it!

 

[Volcano1963]

This thread, like so many others, was powerfully insightful. Thank you @mettareader for sharing and all the Beloved Grand Eagles (and coach) for engaging. I continue to be humbled and happy to have found such a healing community.