Have made pretty great progress but still so depressed...

Whats wrong with me??!

 

You are a sentient, emotional being in a challenging world. Be kind to yourself.

It was a just a few weeks ago that you posted about having a good day and feeling happy, so it is possible to feel that way again--it's inside you.

Dr. Schubiner talks about depression and anxiety being forms of TMS in addition to pain and other physical symptoms (all mindbody, really). So it's possible that your TMS has taken the form of depression at this time. I struggle with depression from time to time, too, and had a very difficult bout of it following my initial progress with my other TMS symptoms. I thought it might have something to do with the fact that I was now looking at past childhood trauma and repressed emotions I had avoided for some time. TMS was not distracting me as much anymore. I decided to increase my dose of anti-depressant for awhile. I know it's not curing the depression, but only easing the symptoms temporarily. That's a difficult decision we have to make for ourselves, hopefully, with the assistance of a good doctor.

 

I aways remembering the old saying "depression is anger turned inwards." I heard this years and years ago. But I never new how to get it outtttt. I new I didn't express anger. I know now I never even feel anger. The feeling of anger goes within a nanosecond into my body as physical pain and depression.

When I feel that dark cloud move in or get heavier I have to ask myself "what am I angry about now." I have to walk my mind through every single conversation to try to find what happened. Turn over every conversation to find that one interaction that made me mad. I do not feel it at all. Then I have to journal about the interaction. I have to write about how angry I feel. I also feel the disappointing of others, too, turns into depression.

I also yell at my mind "get out of my head now." I have to work on it all the time but I am slowly getting better after years of being depressed. I am changing those pathways. You can too. Never,never give up. You will get better.

 

Nothing's wrong with you sweetheart, you're simply trekking through a dark passage on your healing journey. The path has them every now and then. I'm no stranger to depression. We've had many ugly trysts in back alleys and doubtless will again. This darkness knows all my secrets, all my fears and failings, and is ruthless and relentless with it's tauntings. No wonder it feels so bad. However there are two truths that offer some redemption.

First, in looking so closely and brutally at ourselves we find ourselves at the heart of the wound. Here there be the chance to rub balms, to nurse and soothe, or simply listen and gather thorny words in a basket to bring back for healing later. However at this level, we are knee deep in muck and in the thick of it. Too close for comfort.

Second, from here, the only way is up. The greatest gift you can give yourself is perspective. Get the big picture. This is where all the healing endeavours begin to bear fruit. Seeing your own patterns, knowing the terrain can help you take things less personally. Perhaps the best way to achieve this is to watch/listen to your favourite comedian. For me this is Bill Hicks, God rest his soul, whose own darkness and insight refreshes me. Another excellent tip is to get thee outdoors. Go for a good long walk in nature, or sit on the grass and commune with a mature tree. Nature is perfectly happy to hold us safe when we feel rough, and her love is that of the Great Mother.

Depression passes.
It's a big black dog that we can chase outta town.

 

I'm glad I don't have that kind of a big black dog.
I love my Annie and she doesn't give me any pain.

You're right about perspective. I too find that I can forget my troubles by communing with nature.
Just mowing the lawn helps me. Weeds are my big black dog, but I just don't look at them.

 

Walt, there are two things about my life that challenge and sadden me. I live in a flat and therefore have no garden and no dog. I want both these things very much. I truly believe you are closest to God in the garden and that dogs are mans best friend. One day they will be mine but my sanity suffers for the lack.
Still, we live near a big park and I meet plenty of dogs on their walks.

Your Annie is gorgeous.

I can't remember who originally refered to depression as a black dog. Was it Churchill? Any one know?