Groin/Pelvis Pain Returns

Hi guys:

I'm back for my annual therapy session rant on here for some TMS symptoms that have returned lol. So here's what I have going on lately:

A little over a week ago, I was in New Orleans for a work trip (coincidentally during Mardi Gras lol). We had a good, successful day at work so my co-workers and I decided to go out on Bourbon Street to celebrate a little. Well, the little celebration turned into drinking way too much booze and blacking out. From what I remember we wandered into a strip club, and they got ahold of my credit card. I awoke the next day to find a $2500 charge on my credit card and a huge pit in my stomach.

I remember being shown a receipt and refusing to sign. They brought in security and wouldn't allow me to leave without signing the receipt. I have a nice bruise on my arm from them literally strong-arming me.

This has obviously caused me a lot of stress since that night. I know that they have a receipt signed by me, so I don't see anyway of getting out of paying them $2500 outside of getting a lawyer and going through a lot of legal headache.

I felt so guilty about it, that I told my girlfriend the whole story when I got home. I basically spent a few days after that just beating myself up into a dark place of self-loathing. She is an amazing, strong woman, I will tell you that. She immediately told me that she forgave me for the mistake and that I needed find a way to move on and quit beating myself up. She says all I can do is learn from my mistake and don't let it bring me down. I just felt like I disrespected myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of like that, and I disrespected her for putting myself in that situation.

I'll add a footnote here. When I was in my 20's (I'm 33 now), I had a constant problem with blacking out from binge drinking. I would constantly get caught in the cycle of getting very drunk, doing stupid stuff, then cleaning up the mess after. I seemed to have identified the trigger point for this behavior as my social anxiety, fear of rejection, being along (no girlfirend), etc. I basically got drunk to become the life of the party while what I was actually doing was becoming the joke of the party.

Fast forward to now, I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. I can confidently say that she is my soul mate, and I can't imagine doing life without her now. Since I met her (and identified my alcohol triggers several years ago), I have drastically improved my relationship with alcohol. For that reason, I think it further supports my theory that my alcohol issues were mostly caused by suppressed depression.

So, yeah on that night in New Orleans I basically had a relapse to my old behavior. I blacked out from party drinking, put myself in a bad situation and got taken advantage of. It could have been much worse I guess. I didn't get arrested, injured, or anything like that. I have that to be thankful for. But I am out $2500 and I hate myself for disrespecting my girlfriend.

So back to the time line, I beat myself up into depression and stress for three days straight. On Monday morning of last week, I go for a run then after I notice that I am urinating blood. I freak out and book a doctors appointment. I start Googling all the worse things. I then convince myself that I have must have blacked out and had sex with one of these strippers and gotten an STD. This is when the stress and anxiety goes 100x.

On Monday night, I had a complete emotional breakdown in front of girlfriend and told her I think I may have an STD because I barely remember anything from the strip club and now I'm peeing blood. I'm bawling my eyes out and telling her that I can't imagine losing her over the stupidest mistake of my life. And this saint of a women stands there and tells me that STDs aren't that big of deal and she knows that anything that happened was not a representation of my true character just me being taken advantage of due to black out from drinking. Have I mentioned that my girlfriend is an absolute saint?

Well, I only had the one instance of the blood in my urine. All my urine tests came back negative for UTI or STI (thank the Lord). The doc basically said, they have no idea what the cause of the blood in my urine was. Maybe it was a one time thing, just keep an eye on it and go to a urologist if it happens again.

Every since I saw the blood, it ramped up some good old memories. 10 years ago I had a bout with chronic epididymitis. For 6 months I had constant pain in my groin, testicles, hip, pelvis, etc. The doctors tried everything until they gave up and wanted to start surgery. Thats when I thankfully came across the TMS theory and was able to heal myself through the mind-body connection.

Fast forward back to now, and my good old friend, groin pain is back. Amidst all this chaos goin on in my life, I ran a half marathon on Saturday that I had already signed up for (13 miles). I killed the race, and my girlfriend was there to cheer me on. I'm obviously very sore in my lower body after the race which is normal. But my groin is still killing me. I'm pretty sure I'm still carrying the shame from the night in New Orleans and I'm holding all the tension there. And I'm at least 90 percent sure the blood in my urine was from the intense shame and guilt hanging over me.

Anyways, I think its therapeutic for me to type all of this out so I know what I am feeling. I am trying to forgive myself for what happened that night in New Orleans and get credit card payment taken care of so I can just move on with my life.

 

So how are you feeling about your co-workers?
It can be super easy for us to turn our anger inward, and blame ourselves as a way of not blaming others because that is 'bad'. Your co-workers sound like supreme a**holes to me. I'd be SPITTING angry at that load of jerks. Sure you had something to do with it, but they took your CREDIT CARD and used it.
You screwed up.
Your girlfriend totally gets you.
Are you inwardly mad at your girlfriend, this "saint" for not fuming at you? After all, you think you deserve it.
She forgives you.
Can you forgive you?
Instead of writing everything here so you can intellectualize it all, why not go to your journal and FEEL it all. Let yourself feel angry at your co-workers and be angry at your girlfriend for letting you do what you did. Let it all out on paper. Tear it up, throw it away and realize that you can deal with this. You can express your feelings to your co-workers and let them deal with their own baggage, but it sounds like they owe you. How are you going to feel if you have to eat all the $$ they ripped you off for?
Find a way to forgive yourself.
You got this!

 

Well I should have clarified that the people at the club got a hold of my credit card, not my coworkers. But your point remains the same, because the people at the club obviously took advantage of me and basically robbed me while I was obviously not aware of what I was doing. Yes I am infuriated with them for being grade a a-holes for robbing me. I remember trying to tell them multiple times that I didn't feel comfortable being there, I have a girlfriend, please give me my card, I want to leave. But they kept me there long enough to justify a huge credit card payment and I wasn't in the state of mind to be strong enough to just demand that I leave or just not give them my card in the first place. So yes I'm big mad at them, and I'm mad that I can't do anything about it.

I think a part of me was definitely shocked that gf wasn't mad at me. She barely even showed any emotion. She immediately saw my grief and regret and went into full on support mode. I worry she isn't taking time for her own anger. Maybe I'm mad too at her. But on the surface she has really shown her true colors for being loyal through thick and thin. Maybe I fo wish she would "punish" me more.

I have thought about calling the club and trying to reason with the owner, but I don't have the guts. The people who run these places generally aren't the best people. And I don't really want to keep reliving that night. Eating the money really sucks, but I feel like I probably need to pay the bill just so I learn my lesson. More self loathing and punishment, I know lol. Thanks for your reply